are we there yet?

after almost four weeks we finally have an appointment scheduled for july 22nd.  we have been very pleased with rrc from the beginning but getting this appointment scheduled has been a complete nightmare!  i was so pleased with our previous ivf coordinator brandi and i just pray that our new one, marge, is as warm and sympathetic as her.  so far it is not looking too good.  my interactions with her thus far have been pale in comparison but i am choosing to give her the benefit of the doubt until we meet  for our consultation.  i am not worried at all about her giving us any trouble since i am bringing my muscle (cass) with me:)

as far as how the appointment will go i am not entirely sure.  they require that cass and jd both go along with us which only makes sense.  for our first consultation we were there for 4 1/2 hours and they told us to plan on being there awhile for this one as well.  on top of everyone we had to meet with last time, financial coordinator, ivf coordinator, scientific director, ivf doctor, we also have to undergo a psychiatric consultation.  while i think this is great protocol i find it extremely amusing.  i think anyone who knows cass and i would understand why.

when cass and i went to pick up her medical records to take over to rrc we were of course reading the doctors notes, who could resist?  on one of her charts it said "patient non-compliant."  when cass was pregnant with zoe she was put on bed rest towards the end of the pregnancy and she did what anyone put in that situation would do...she went to wal mart.  hey, she had a one year old and needed diapers, and knowing cass probably some cheetos or something of that sort as well. about halfway through wally world she felt dizzy and had to call mom to meet her at wal mart to take her back to the doctor.  needless to say, the doctor wasn't happy.  i tell this story not because i am worried at all about cass being compliant with all of the protocol throughout this process, i know she wants a niece or nephew as bad as i want a son or daughter, but i find it extremely humorous this team of doctors will be trying to evaluate if she is an appropriate donor and this story is bound to come up.  i can just picture one of the doctors asking why she was non-compliant and cass, instead of just saying she should have went home, trying to explain to them how she needed diapers:)  i truly think we could make a reality t.v. show out of this whole process.

i have said all along that i would feel a sense of relief once i had the appointment scheduled and i, as usual, was right.  i guess it is my ocd, but just seeing it on the calender makes me feel so much more relaxed.  i am starting to feel good about going through this again, i can even feel a little excitement as crazy as that sounds.  there have been a few very rough times over the past month in particular where i have wondered if i would ever come out of this funk but i think i am slowly overcoming it.  i have still been going to acupuncture which seems to help as well.  i am not sure if it is the placebo effect or if it truly works but either way i am positive it makes me feel more sane.

i have done some research on when the best time to tell a child that an egg donor was used and of course everyone says something different ranging from tell them early on to not telling them at all.  one viewpoint in particular i found interesting was that of a l.c.s.w.  she believes that you should tell the child at a very early age.  she feels it is inappropriate to tell a child after they have already begun forming their own identity.  if a child learns this information at say age fourteen they have already formed an image in their mind of who they think they are and that information in a way could challenge that.  this makes a lot of sense to me.  if they grow up knowing then i believe there will be less shock value so to speak.  plus, keeping it a secret implies that there is something wrong with the path we have chosen which i do not believe to be true.

as for where jason falls into all of this we are not sure yet.  we are hoping to get more information on that at our consultation.  it will certainly be a bit of a juggling act with him being in portland but i am confident we can make it work.  this is just one more reason i think they should move closer to home...sorry jas and jodi, i will never let it go:)  more than anything i am just overwhelmed that we have such awesome siblings to help us out with this.  it just feels right.  100%.  it is easy to say it is no big deal but the fact is it is a huge deal.  a life-altering deal.  cass is already juggling being a parent to two wonderfully crazy kids while simultaneously going to nursing school and working full time.  jas and jodi are balancing work with raising a beautiful new baby girl  a million miles away.  to say this will be easy or convenient for either of them would be untrue.

anywho. i am looking forward to jumping back into this process and of course keeping everyone updated along the way.  it is hard to believe we could be starting another cycle so soon.  i am officially ready to get this show on the road.  wow, i wasn't sure if i would ever get there!  thanks again for all of the support over the past few months.  this has easily been one of the most difficult times of our lives and i can't imagine how we would get through it without our wonderful friends and family.  it can't be fun listening to all of the "why me's" and "what ifs" but having those shoulders to lean on is what has saved me.  until we meet again...

swimming lessons

i am now able to post some additional information we learned from dr. brabec at our follow-up appointment.  not only do they suggest that we use an egg donor, but because of the quality of josh's sperm they would like us to use a sperm donor as well to attempt to fertilize some of the eggs retrieved.  this is just one more thing that increases our chances of getting some viable embryos.  this basically means were they to retrieve ten eggs they would attempt to fertilize five of them with josh's sperm and five of them with the sperm donors sperm.  lucky for us, josh and i are both blessed with baby-makin' siblings and our sperm donor has a name...jason!  we know jason too is capable of creating a beautiful, healthy baby.  i didn't want to post this information until we had the chance to speak with him and jodi about it.  i know this additional information raises a lot of new questions and I will do my best to explain.

after egg retrieval they will attempt to fertilize all of the eggs with the same procedure as before except this time they will use part of  josh's sperm and part of  jason's.  they will keep all of the embryos separate so at the time of transfer we will know which ones are transferred.  we won't have to wonder the rest of our lives which ones were used.  so, basically, everything is the same as our last go around except we will use cassidy's eggs, and some sperm from josh and some from jason.  clear as mud?

we will know more after our consultation which will be sometime in august.  i am still waiting to hear back from them.  cass and i had to take over all of her medical records from the past five years before they would schedule the appointment which we did last thursday.  they should email me today or tomorrow with possible appointment times.  i do know from the research that i have done so far that they have to line up both of our cycles and i am not clear what that entails.  i will have to do some injections but cass will be doing all of the hard work this time.  she has agreed to do anything i ask her to in regards to getting healthy except juicing:)  that is where she draws the line:)  she created two beautiful babies already on a diet of funyuns, mountain dew and menthol cigarettes so i am not too worried;)  kind of makes me wonder why i did so much to get healthy...

while i am anxious to get started, i am glad we have some downtime before we do.  if we thought this was overwhelming before, it is ten fold now.  i am going to try to shed some weight and get my body into shape before the next cycle.  i lasted one day on my juice detox but i think it still helped get some of the residual toxins from all of the meds i was on out of my body.  my mom and bill gave me their treadmill so i am hoping by placing it next to our bed where i have to look at it forces me to use it...we will see how that goes.  so far my ulcer or acid reflux or whatever it was has not reared its ugly head again and hopefully it stays that way.

i will update as soon as i hear news of our appointment....i was really hoping they would have called already.  it sounds crazy but i will feel so much better when the appointment is on my calender and i can begin the countdown.  hopefully i will have something to report soon!

in the meantime, the in-between time

josh and i are back from our trip to hermann and man did we need that!  it was nice to have jason and emily's company and just relax for awhile.  although we had originally planned on just the two of us going it was definitely a blessing we decided to take them along.  it forced us to have a good time and not sit there and talk about babies all weekend.  also, emily is pretty much instant entertainment bottled up into about 99 pounds.  i am thinking about making it a rule to take her along wherever we go:)

because we took kemper along with us we drove separately which allowed us some time to talk on our 2 1/2 hour drive home.  i think i had already came to the conclusion that using an egg donor makes the most sense but i wasn't sure what josh was thinking and wanted him to give me his thoughts first.  to my surprise, he too felt like using an egg donor was the appropriate path to choose.  the obvious decision for us is to use my sister's eggs as they would have my genes.  plus, let's face it, she makes some pretty good looking kids.  lucky for us she is on board.  while we can't make any definite decision until after our consultation it is nice to know she is open to looking into it.

i know a lot of you are thinking, possibly cringing, at how this all sounds and i understand.  i assure you, we have not taken this decision lightly.  we both know there is more involved than just taking some of cassidy's eggs.  cass and i have had several very candid conversations about all of the thoughts and emotions that go into something like this.  josh and i are also planning to sit down with her and jd both to make sure we cover all bases before making the ultimate decision.  as cassidy stated, if i needed a kidney she would give me a kidney, this isn't much different than that.  ok, it kind of is, but you know what i mean.  it would be very different if i were asking her to carry a child for nine months and then hand it over to me.  she will be giving me cells, sure they will contain her dna but i will carry and birth the child.  we have discussed everything from the day the child is born to whether or not we should tell the child at some point.  she has assured me that if she has any hesitation for whatever reason she will let me know.  it would not be worth all the babies in the world if it jeopardized our relationship.

we are waiting to hear back from dr. brabec regarding a consultation date and i will let you know as soon as i do.  they told us at our follow-up that it could be 4-6 weeks.  honestly, it is kind of nice to have some down time from all of the craziness. i am continuing to eat healthy, and trying to get my body as ready as possible to carry a baby.  i am going to do a 3-day juice detox over the weekend to get rid of all the toxins in my body so if you get some cranky posts from me you will know why:) however this works out i am so grateful to have a sister that is willing to help us in such a selfless way.  i have, in the mean time, ordered every book imaginable on using an egg donor and will be posting all of my new knowledge along the way!

scrambled eggs

i know i haven't posted in awhile but i haven't had much to report until now.  josh and i had our follow up with dr. brabec yesterday which just so happened to be our 3rd anniversary.  i can't believe we have been married three years already.  it goes by so fast.  our appointment, unfortunately, was less than spectacular.  much less than spectacular actually.  i think we both thought we were going to come out of there knowing exactly how and when to proceed.  that could not be farther from the truth.  dr. brabec told us the reason she feels the pregnancy didn't take is because of the quality of the embryos which in her opinion is a result of the quality of my eggs.  when we began this process it was because of  josh's blockage but we have found throughout this procedure that i have my own fertility issues which unfortunately are pretty severe.  apparently, i have the eggs of a 40 year old.  great.  after all of my treatment i feel i have the body of one also.  unfortunately, there is no way for them to gage how my body will react until going through treatment.  because my uterus and fallopian tubes are anatomically correct and they found no polyps or anything of that nature they believe by body is able to handle a pregnancy but unfortunately has a hard time creating one.  

so, basically we have three options.  the first is to do the same treatment as last time except she would do an estrogen priming treatment which is done by oral medication prior to beginning a new ivf cycle.  because i was already on the maximum dose of hormones my protocol wouldn't otherwise change.  whether or not the estrogen priming treatment would make a difference is a toss up.  she said there is no way to tell if it would help or not.  considering all factors, she believes we have about a 30% chance if this is the route we take.  not great odds.

the second option would be to use a sperm donor which doesn't really make sense because the quality of my eggs are largely the issue.  she just wanted to make sure we knew all of our options.

our final option would be to use an egg donor.  this is where they would put josh's sperm with another woman's eggs and implant it in my uterus.  the egg donor could be anonymous or we could use someone we know.  before i get into this, i want to state that four months ago using a sperm or egg donor was absolutely 100% not an option for josh or i either one, i think i even stated such in a previous post.  however, until you have stood where we are standing i don't believe anyone can fully understand the thought process so please try to keep an open mind.  we don't ask that you understand or agree with it, just that you kindly respect our exploring all options.

i told dr. brabec that as josh and i walked into her office we were 99% sure that this would be our last attempt and knowing that information asked what her recommendation would be.  she believes that our best odds of pregnancy  would be to use an egg donor.  we would go from a 30% chance to a 65% chance.  quite a jump.  while it is more expensive, around $27,000, it is still cheaper than adoption and i could carry the baby, give birth, breast feed, and so on.  also, we would have the option to choose a possible relative with our genes.  

there is no possible way to say at this point what we are going to do from here.  there is so much more to think about this time around.  and i thought the second time would be easier.  not only do we have to figure out which path to take but we are back to trying to figure out how to pay for it.  i am not sure we are even able to get a loan for that amount.  again, i know it sounds like a ridiculous amount of money but twenty years from now when our child is graduating from high school i guarantee it will be worth twice the price.

josh and i are heading to hermann for the weekend so hopefully we can begin to sort all of this out.  dr. brabec told us that this is not a "scientific decision" but a "heart and soul" decision and i think she nailed it.  josh and i both need to do some soul-searching within ourselves before we can approach the decision together.  fortunately we are great communicators and i have no doubt we will come to the decision that is best for us.  i hope you all are ready for round two....

good grief

i don't have a lot to report since the last time i checked in but i always feel better after i post so i thought it might do some good to get some of these thoughts out of my head.  i went to acupuncture yesterday for the first time since the results which was nice, but didn't go as well as i had hoped.  i had terrible dreams the night before about everything that has been going on and even though i tried to convince myself the entire drive up that i was going to be okay,  i completely dissolved into tears the second i saw shamayne.  i felt really silly although i know she completely understood.  she did her best to reassure me that i am not "broken" and that we shouldn't lose hope.  i have been so focused on staying on the right track so my body is in good shape when we try again but she thinks that might be causing more stress for my mind.  her advice was to take the next couple of weeks and try my hardest not to think about fertility or babies or anything related.  i have been so consumed with nothing but that my mind needs a rest.  it actually felt very comforting to hear her say that, almost like it gave me permission to breath.  i know it would be impossible to keep all thoughts out but for at least a week i am going to stop reading, googling, and obsessing about fertility, or infertility i guess i should say.  we did get a good laugh when she examined my tongue and stated "i see you have gone back to eating dairy."  busted.  i told her i might have allowed my self to indulge in a few things i have been without for awhile now.  she thought it was good and recommended i try not to be so strict over the next few weeks.  sounds great to me.

josh and i haven't confirmed what our next step will be at this time, i think we are both waiting to speak with the doctors next week to see what they say.  i feel like i am ready to go ahead with another cycle sooner rather than later but know it isn't wise if josh and i aren't both on the same page.  we know we will do it again, deciding when is the best time is the question that needs to be answered.  i think we are both going through the natural stages of grief.  i believe the way we have both reacted, while different, are both very normal reactions.

so, on we go.  continuing on this path of uncertainty and confusion.  i am grateful every day for the life that i have.  it sounds strange to say but i find having gone through this somewhat comforting.  even if i go to bed with tears in my eyes, i go to bed with the man i know i am meant to be with.  the man that loves, supports, and embraces me no matter what it is we are facing.  all while simultaneously driving me nuts of course:)  i know that these challenges only make josh and i stronger as a couple as well as individually.  i can't imagine going through this with anyone else by my side, i don't think it would be possible.

riding the waves...

i thought i better post to at least let people know i haven't driven my car into a tree or anything crazy like that:)  josh and i are doing okay.  it sort of comes in waves.  one minute life feels somewhat normal and the next we are plagued with the reality of trying to figure out where to go from here while simultaneously dealing with the feelings of loss.  the bright side is neither of us are claiming defeat at this point.  we have chosen to keep the white flag tucked away for the time being at least.  i don't think either of us question whether or not to try again.  we have to.  if after another cycle we are left facing these same circumstances then at that point we will have to have a very serious conversation about how to proceed. 

i spoke briefly with brandi, our ivf coordinator, on friday and we have scheduled a follow-up appointment for june 3rd which just so happens to be our 3rd anniversary.  we will at that time discuss what could have gone wrong, where to go from here and so forth.  i asked when we would be able to start again should we choose to do so and she said we could begin with my next cycle which will be a month from now.  that seemed a little soon at first but then josh reminded me that the first month of treatment is primarily oral meds.  we honestly haven't made a definite decision at this point.  i don't think we can until we meet with them on the 3rd and see what they say.

i don't think our protocol should change much but that is pure speculation on my part.  they were able to retrieve eggs and create embryos which is not possible for some couples.  in that regard we were very fortunate.  i think the second time will be more and less stressful than the first.  it will be nice to know what to expect with the various procedures, shots, etc. but it will be very nerve-racking to know this will likely be our last shot at having a biological child.  it will take us a long time to pay back the debt we have already accumulated with this cycle.  with that being said, we have no regrets.  josh or i neither one feel we made a mistake in trying and although this feeling right now is incredibly painful we both still feel positive this process will work for us.

we have decided to take a little mini-vacation to hermann for our anniversary to get away from everything and try to figure out where to go from here.  we found a cute little cottage that allows large dogs so we will be able to take kemper along.  it says they have to be "well-behaved" but i will pretend i didn't see that.  josh says i am going to have to build my tolerance up if we are going to be spending a weekend in wine country:)  i am very much looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend away.  one year ago today we were on a plane to cabo san lucas, i think i could use that vacation ten times more this year.

i allowed myself two days to eat whatever i wanted and am now getting back on track.  i am still juicing everyday and eating healthy.  i haven't had any caffeine since the diet coke on the day we found out the results.  i have, of course, indulged in a few glasses of vino but nothing in excess.  i would like to shed a few pounds before we begin our next cycle or i am going to look preggers by the time it wraps up.  they say you put on approximately ten pounds with every cycle and they aren't kidding!  i was eating healthier than i ever have and still put on ten pounds.  of course, i wasn't allowed to exercise but still!  i also plan to continue with acupuncture as i believe 100% it helped if only mentally.

josh and i both are incredibly grateful for everyone who has reached out to us in the past few days.  i know we haven't been in touch with everyone who has done so but please know how thankful we are.  i know that everyone is incredibly busy with their own lives so the fact that so many of you have taken the time to call or drop by is astonishing.  we feel incredibly lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people.

uncomfortably numb

negative.  i have been thinking for an hour now about the best way to relay the news but the fact is there is absolutely no way to sugar coat it.  negative.  it is still very difficult to wrap our brains around.  negative.  it doesn't even sound right when i say it aloud to myself.  its like such a word should not even exist.

i know this is going to sound very crazy but i knew before the phone even rang.  i was very positive the first several days but the last two i have felt very aware that it was not going to be good news.  i know that everyone has these feelings that creep in during this process but i believe this was different.  i just knew.  something changed in the midst of the longest eight days of my life and i could feel it in my bones that it wasn't going to go our way.  don't get me wrong, i tried to convince myself that what i was feeling wasn't real but somewhere deep down i knew it was.

there would be no way for josh or i either one to express what we feel right now.  i don't think it could be put into words.  it is such a strange feeling to know they were inside of me, even if they only survived one second they were a part of me and now they are gone.  where did they go?  why didn't they make it?  it is so easy to say "it wasn't meant to be right now" or "this just isn't your time" or "god has different plans for you" and i have used some of those phrases myself but it is pretty hard to convince myself that any of them make sense right now.  if there is someone calling the shots and they have decided that this isn't our time than i would like to know why.  we deserved this.  we really, really deserved this.  we worked hard and we did everything they told us to and it should have worked for us.  there are so many babies born each day to parents who will never love them they way josh or i could.

it is hard to know what to do from here.  i know we need to take time to grieve the loss before we make any decisions at all.  over $20,000 down the drain.  absolutely nothing to show for it except ten extra pounds from the hormone injections and a bruised behind from the intramuscular shots.  i was at a wedding shower for a dear friend this past friday and during a speech given by the bride's aunt the statement "if you wait until you can afford a child you will never have one" was made.  this has been on my mind ever since and especially so today.  this whole experience has made me realize what is really important in life and it is not things.  it is family and friends, not the latest shoes, purse or car.  these are not the things we remember when we are 80 years old.  they mean nothing.  but where do we draw the line?  when we are $40,000...$60,000...$80,000 in debt?  how do you put a price on such a gift?  i know neither of us are in the right frame of mind to make that decision right now.  i am definitely not giving up on the powerball.  if anyone we know should win and would like to throw $20,000 at us that would be fantastic.  actually, make that $25,000, i could really use a vacation right now.

i tried to convince myself earlier that at least for now i could relish in some of the things that i have been forbidden from like baths, diet coke, dairy, wine, and so on but it hasn't done much good.  emily brought me a diet coke which i though would be the highlight of my day but it didn't even taste good.  i did take a nice bath but think i will stay away from the vino, i don't think mixing alcohol with this state of mind would be the wisest choice.

so, that is that.  now, we have to figure out where to go from here.  back to square one minus a lot of time and money.  i honestly barely remember the phone call from brandi but i am pretty sure they told us at one point that if it came back negative we would have a follow-up consultation in a couple of weeks.  until then we are going to try to pull ourselves together.  we appreciate all of the people who reached out to us today, we promise to get in touch with all of you when it feels right.