get me off this roller coaster!

this is the third time i have attempted this post.  for some reason every time i sit down to get the words out of my head the thoughts become frozen.  of course if i had good news to share they would probably flow much easier. i think part of the problem is before i was just blogging about josh and i on our journey to parenthood.  now, because of the path life has taken, cassidy, jason and their families are part of this roller coaster ride as well.  while they have both given their blessing for me to blog about this entire experience i feel like parts of this story is theirs to share.  i guess that is probably what i have been getting stuck on in my previous attempts to get this information out.  so, minus all the details, we are not able to use cassidy as an egg donor.  i am diagnosed with severe ovarian dysfunction and she with mild to moderate.  i could go into all of the medical terminology and what it means but really don't see where it's necessary.

as for where we go now, who knows?  josh and i have decided to take a vacation from this amusement park.  the only conversation we wish to have about eggs at this point is who is going to make breakfast.  as for how long this break is, could be a week, could be a month, we are not going to try to make that determination.  i would be lying if i said we aren't both feeling a bit defeated at this point.  don't get me wrong, we will both bounce back, but i think this blow might keep us down a little longer.  i understand the universe is trying to tell us something and i still know we will have a baby someday but i think we are both just feeling a bit beat up right now.  i think we both need some time to get our heads in shape.

i think that is all i have right now.  i want to close by stating how incredibly fortunate i am to have cass.  not only for so selflessly attempting to go through this whole process to help josh and i out but for being my rock while doing it.  my gratitude could not be put into words.  she is one of the most strong (and quite stubborn) individuals i have ever known and i am very lucky to be able to draw from her strength.  she is an incredible mom, sister, wife, nurse, and friend.  if i am able to be half the mother she is someday i will have some very lucky children.  also, it is pretty nice to have a brother-in-law who will lay in the pool and drink beer with you all day in a time of need:)

sister sister

it was my hope to be able to leave our consultation with some more definitive answers but it seems nothing on this journey is definitive until there is a crying baby in our arms.  it was a very long day to say the least.  cass, j.d., josh and myself were there for almost five hours.  it is truly one of the most mentally exhausting experiences i can imagine.

they split us up by couples in the beginning to do our psychiatric consultations which must have gone well because the psychiatrist said she would bring us together for a group discussion afterwards if there were any issues that needed to be addressed and she did not do so.  i can't believe we all passed the crazy test, that in itself is a miracle.  while cass and jd were with the psychiatrist we met with marge, our new ivf coordinator, and vice versa.  i had some speculation about marge, as i stated before, but she turned out to be alright.  she is definitely very different than brandi, much more intense, but she obviously knows what she is doing and that is the important thing. of course every time she left the room josh would say "tell them large marge sent ya."  nothing like continuous quotes from pee wee herman to lighten the mood. the psychiatrist and marge both mentioned several times that it is not uncommon for sisters to have the same issues.  while it seems logical that someone who has had no difficulty getting pregnant would be the ideal candidate it is, of course, much more complex than that.  there is no question that cass can create a good quality egg, the question is how many can she create.  if you remember, this was one of the major concerns with my cycle.  i was on the maximum dose of hormones and was only able to create seven eggs, with only four of them being good enough quality to attempt fertilization.  it only took cass one good egg to conceive while the goal here is to create multiple eggs, on average they like to get at least twelve.  they did a full exam and transvaginal ultrasound on cass and she was kind enough to let me in the room with her.  i think we could both sense right away that there was some concern from dr. brabec.  after her exam marge and dr. brabec both met with all four of us together.  they said there is some concern about the way things looked but they won't know how to proceed until they get more blood work.  cass and jd were both tested for infectious diseases and they also drew blood from cass to test her amh.  during our first cycle they tested my amh, which was lower than what they like.  i was told that this was an indication that i would likely not create many eggs which proved true.  they also want to test her fsh but they have to do so on day two, three, or four of her cycle.  she is due to start anytime so it will likely be the beginning of next week.  they will also do another transvagianl ultrasound at that time and then decide how to proceed.

best case scenario is her amh and fsh come back good and we proceed as planned.  the last thing i asked dr. brabec was if we should be super concerned and she said she would not say super concerned but she does have a reasonable amount of concern after the ultrasound. if the tests do not come back as we wish, we will likely follow the advice of dr. brabec, whatever that may be.  if it looks as if cass has similar issues as i do, my guess is they would suggest i use an anonymous egg donor or proceed with adoption, both of which still lead to a baby.  we will just have to cross that bridge when it gets here.  we are hoping for the best but being realistic at the same time.

as for jason, he has to do a phone consultation with the psychiatrist and get some lab work along with a semen analysis done in portland and have the results sent over to rrc.  we will have a better idea of how to proceed with that piece when that is completed.

as crazy as it sounds, we did have an enjoyable time yesterday.  having cass there added a new comfort level and josh and j.d. are nice comic relief.  no matter which way this new road takes us josh and i are eternally grateful that cass and j.d. took the time out of their day to help us out.  i am choosing to believe that cassidy's tests are going to come back fine and we will proceed on our path to parenthood.  i will update next week when i have more news.

boob job

i am mildly irritated by an article i read in self magazine regarding infertility.  not so much at self as i believe they are trying to convey the same thing as i, but at the couple that is discussing their infertility.  the article focuses on the anonymity of couples who experience some sort of infertility and make the decision to use ivf or other treatment options to help achieve pregnancy.  the couple that is sharing their story chose to only be identified by their middle names because their friends, coworkers, nor even their parents know they are using infertility treatments in hopes of conceiving.  when they get the dreaded "when are you going to start  a family" question they respond by stating, even to family members, that they are not going to have any children.  don't get me wrong, there are many responses i would like to give to people who ask me when josh and i  are going to start a family, but i choose to take the high road and politely let them know that josh and i started a family on june 3, 2007 when we married. to me that is a question that should be as forbidden as "are you pregnant."

i am not entirely sure what my irritation is with this couple yet so forgive me if i ramble a bit, of course anyone who actually reads this is used to that.  i try not to be judgmental and understand that just because they handle their infertility different does not make them wrong but if i am being honest i think this is part of the reason infertility is not widely recognized as a problem.  i am not sure if i feel as comfortable as some do calling it a disease but it is certainly no walk in the park.  i can say that viewing it as a "cosmetic procedure" as the insurance industry does is complete b.s.  seriously?  if i finally decided to get those hooters i have been talking about all these years it should be considered cosmetic and no one should be expected to pay for it, but a married couple trying to conceive is "cosmetic?"  i know the line has to be drawn somewhere but that seems absurd to me.  i should also note that should so-called cosmetic procedures someday be covered under insurance plans i will have a new baby and a new set of hooters:)

i don't know the intimate details of this couple's life so it is easy for me to question why they would keep it a secret.  maybe they don't have the fabulous support system that josh and i have and don't feel comfortable enough in their own surroundings to share such sacred details.  obviously right off the bat we know that josh and i are very different as we have chosen to put every sordid detail out on the world wide web for anyone to ridicule.  i guess my main concern with their approach is that to me the secretive nature implies that there is something wrong with what they are doing.  while i would not have chosen this path for josh or i, i am proud to tell anyone who will listen that these are the great lengths that we will go to to have a child.  i am proud to say i have such an incredible sister and brother-in-law who are so willing to help us along our journey.  i also believe that while there will undoubtedly be times in our child's life that they have questions or concerns they will know and understand completely why we chose this path.

i do believe that there needs to be more awareness of the amount of people who suffer from infertility and i think the more people that are scared to share the less we will accomplish.  at the end of the article the couple achieves their lifelong dream of pregnancy and after 14 weeks with no problems they tell their parents but opt to leave out the long road it took to get there.  to each their own, i am happy to see another couple using ivf is having a baby, it reminds me that it is possible.  the last question the soon-to-be mother is asked is if she would consider joining the fight for the cause to which she responds that she recognizes the need for more research and understanding but is afraid to be vocal for fear that it might get her into trouble at her health-policy job.  fear is a real bitch,  ya know?  here is someone who is already in a perfect position to help give infertility a voice but is too afraid.  hey, i know jobs are important, especially in this economy and i am sure she has racked up a healthy bill from all of those "cosmetic" procedures she has been having. alright, i will leave it at that.  but, believe me i could go on.

on a lighter note, actually a heavier note, our egg donor consultation is in two days!  i can't believe it is finally here.  cassidy, j.d., josh and i all sat down and had a very candid conversation this weekend about every question/concern we have going into this.  it was nice for all of us to get it off our chest and address the elephant in the room.  we will likely be there 4-5 hours so i am not sure if i will report back thursday evening or not.  however, it usually feels good to get all the details out while they are still fresh so my guess is i will have some news sooner rather than later.  until then...

pregnant women are smug.

i sincerely hope this video does not offend any of my friends/family that are either pregnant or have kids.  obviously, this entire blog is related to my journey to pregnancy and i hope to be very "smug" one day soon.  i just find it incredibly funny.  i mean like super duper hilarious.  so enjoy, or don't...either way.  oh, and for the record, as my good friend bethenny frankel would say...i don't care what sex my baby is, as long as it has ten fingers, ten toes, and a vagina.  okay, i might have crossed a line with that one:)  

are we there yet?

after almost four weeks we finally have an appointment scheduled for july 22nd.  we have been very pleased with rrc from the beginning but getting this appointment scheduled has been a complete nightmare!  i was so pleased with our previous ivf coordinator brandi and i just pray that our new one, marge, is as warm and sympathetic as her.  so far it is not looking too good.  my interactions with her thus far have been pale in comparison but i am choosing to give her the benefit of the doubt until we meet  for our consultation.  i am not worried at all about her giving us any trouble since i am bringing my muscle (cass) with me:)

as far as how the appointment will go i am not entirely sure.  they require that cass and jd both go along with us which only makes sense.  for our first consultation we were there for 4 1/2 hours and they told us to plan on being there awhile for this one as well.  on top of everyone we had to meet with last time, financial coordinator, ivf coordinator, scientific director, ivf doctor, we also have to undergo a psychiatric consultation.  while i think this is great protocol i find it extremely amusing.  i think anyone who knows cass and i would understand why.

when cass and i went to pick up her medical records to take over to rrc we were of course reading the doctors notes, who could resist?  on one of her charts it said "patient non-compliant."  when cass was pregnant with zoe she was put on bed rest towards the end of the pregnancy and she did what anyone put in that situation would do...she went to wal mart.  hey, she had a one year old and needed diapers, and knowing cass probably some cheetos or something of that sort as well. about halfway through wally world she felt dizzy and had to call mom to meet her at wal mart to take her back to the doctor.  needless to say, the doctor wasn't happy.  i tell this story not because i am worried at all about cass being compliant with all of the protocol throughout this process, i know she wants a niece or nephew as bad as i want a son or daughter, but i find it extremely humorous this team of doctors will be trying to evaluate if she is an appropriate donor and this story is bound to come up.  i can just picture one of the doctors asking why she was non-compliant and cass, instead of just saying she should have went home, trying to explain to them how she needed diapers:)  i truly think we could make a reality t.v. show out of this whole process.

i have said all along that i would feel a sense of relief once i had the appointment scheduled and i, as usual, was right.  i guess it is my ocd, but just seeing it on the calender makes me feel so much more relaxed.  i am starting to feel good about going through this again, i can even feel a little excitement as crazy as that sounds.  there have been a few very rough times over the past month in particular where i have wondered if i would ever come out of this funk but i think i am slowly overcoming it.  i have still been going to acupuncture which seems to help as well.  i am not sure if it is the placebo effect or if it truly works but either way i am positive it makes me feel more sane.

i have done some research on when the best time to tell a child that an egg donor was used and of course everyone says something different ranging from tell them early on to not telling them at all.  one viewpoint in particular i found interesting was that of a l.c.s.w.  she believes that you should tell the child at a very early age.  she feels it is inappropriate to tell a child after they have already begun forming their own identity.  if a child learns this information at say age fourteen they have already formed an image in their mind of who they think they are and that information in a way could challenge that.  this makes a lot of sense to me.  if they grow up knowing then i believe there will be less shock value so to speak.  plus, keeping it a secret implies that there is something wrong with the path we have chosen which i do not believe to be true.

as for where jason falls into all of this we are not sure yet.  we are hoping to get more information on that at our consultation.  it will certainly be a bit of a juggling act with him being in portland but i am confident we can make it work.  this is just one more reason i think they should move closer to home...sorry jas and jodi, i will never let it go:)  more than anything i am just overwhelmed that we have such awesome siblings to help us out with this.  it just feels right.  100%.  it is easy to say it is no big deal but the fact is it is a huge deal.  a life-altering deal.  cass is already juggling being a parent to two wonderfully crazy kids while simultaneously going to nursing school and working full time.  jas and jodi are balancing work with raising a beautiful new baby girl  a million miles away.  to say this will be easy or convenient for either of them would be untrue.

anywho. i am looking forward to jumping back into this process and of course keeping everyone updated along the way.  it is hard to believe we could be starting another cycle so soon.  i am officially ready to get this show on the road.  wow, i wasn't sure if i would ever get there!  thanks again for all of the support over the past few months.  this has easily been one of the most difficult times of our lives and i can't imagine how we would get through it without our wonderful friends and family.  it can't be fun listening to all of the "why me's" and "what ifs" but having those shoulders to lean on is what has saved me.  until we meet again...

swimming lessons

i am now able to post some additional information we learned from dr. brabec at our follow-up appointment.  not only do they suggest that we use an egg donor, but because of the quality of josh's sperm they would like us to use a sperm donor as well to attempt to fertilize some of the eggs retrieved.  this is just one more thing that increases our chances of getting some viable embryos.  this basically means were they to retrieve ten eggs they would attempt to fertilize five of them with josh's sperm and five of them with the sperm donors sperm.  lucky for us, josh and i are both blessed with baby-makin' siblings and our sperm donor has a name...jason!  we know jason too is capable of creating a beautiful, healthy baby.  i didn't want to post this information until we had the chance to speak with him and jodi about it.  i know this additional information raises a lot of new questions and I will do my best to explain.

after egg retrieval they will attempt to fertilize all of the eggs with the same procedure as before except this time they will use part of  josh's sperm and part of  jason's.  they will keep all of the embryos separate so at the time of transfer we will know which ones are transferred.  we won't have to wonder the rest of our lives which ones were used.  so, basically, everything is the same as our last go around except we will use cassidy's eggs, and some sperm from josh and some from jason.  clear as mud?

we will know more after our consultation which will be sometime in august.  i am still waiting to hear back from them.  cass and i had to take over all of her medical records from the past five years before they would schedule the appointment which we did last thursday.  they should email me today or tomorrow with possible appointment times.  i do know from the research that i have done so far that they have to line up both of our cycles and i am not clear what that entails.  i will have to do some injections but cass will be doing all of the hard work this time.  she has agreed to do anything i ask her to in regards to getting healthy except juicing:)  that is where she draws the line:)  she created two beautiful babies already on a diet of funyuns, mountain dew and menthol cigarettes so i am not too worried;)  kind of makes me wonder why i did so much to get healthy...

while i am anxious to get started, i am glad we have some downtime before we do.  if we thought this was overwhelming before, it is ten fold now.  i am going to try to shed some weight and get my body into shape before the next cycle.  i lasted one day on my juice detox but i think it still helped get some of the residual toxins from all of the meds i was on out of my body.  my mom and bill gave me their treadmill so i am hoping by placing it next to our bed where i have to look at it forces me to use it...we will see how that goes.  so far my ulcer or acid reflux or whatever it was has not reared its ugly head again and hopefully it stays that way.

i will update as soon as i hear news of our appointment....i was really hoping they would have called already.  it sounds crazy but i will feel so much better when the appointment is on my calender and i can begin the countdown.  hopefully i will have something to report soon!

in the meantime, the in-between time

josh and i are back from our trip to hermann and man did we need that!  it was nice to have jason and emily's company and just relax for awhile.  although we had originally planned on just the two of us going it was definitely a blessing we decided to take them along.  it forced us to have a good time and not sit there and talk about babies all weekend.  also, emily is pretty much instant entertainment bottled up into about 99 pounds.  i am thinking about making it a rule to take her along wherever we go:)

because we took kemper along with us we drove separately which allowed us some time to talk on our 2 1/2 hour drive home.  i think i had already came to the conclusion that using an egg donor makes the most sense but i wasn't sure what josh was thinking and wanted him to give me his thoughts first.  to my surprise, he too felt like using an egg donor was the appropriate path to choose.  the obvious decision for us is to use my sister's eggs as they would have my genes.  plus, let's face it, she makes some pretty good looking kids.  lucky for us she is on board.  while we can't make any definite decision until after our consultation it is nice to know she is open to looking into it.

i know a lot of you are thinking, possibly cringing, at how this all sounds and i understand.  i assure you, we have not taken this decision lightly.  we both know there is more involved than just taking some of cassidy's eggs.  cass and i have had several very candid conversations about all of the thoughts and emotions that go into something like this.  josh and i are also planning to sit down with her and jd both to make sure we cover all bases before making the ultimate decision.  as cassidy stated, if i needed a kidney she would give me a kidney, this isn't much different than that.  ok, it kind of is, but you know what i mean.  it would be very different if i were asking her to carry a child for nine months and then hand it over to me.  she will be giving me cells, sure they will contain her dna but i will carry and birth the child.  we have discussed everything from the day the child is born to whether or not we should tell the child at some point.  she has assured me that if she has any hesitation for whatever reason she will let me know.  it would not be worth all the babies in the world if it jeopardized our relationship.

we are waiting to hear back from dr. brabec regarding a consultation date and i will let you know as soon as i do.  they told us at our follow-up that it could be 4-6 weeks.  honestly, it is kind of nice to have some down time from all of the craziness. i am continuing to eat healthy, and trying to get my body as ready as possible to carry a baby.  i am going to do a 3-day juice detox over the weekend to get rid of all the toxins in my body so if you get some cranky posts from me you will know why:) however this works out i am so grateful to have a sister that is willing to help us in such a selfless way.  i have, in the mean time, ordered every book imaginable on using an egg donor and will be posting all of my new knowledge along the way!