insane in the membrane

i normally blog about baby stuff but since we are still waiting to hear results in regards to whether or not we should use jason as a sperm donor i think i will talk about my completely insane week in dc.  i attended a conference in farifax, va, just outside of dc last week and made an impulsive decision to stay and attend jon stewart and stephen colbert’s rally to restore sanity and/or fear.  i had no idea what to expect as i have never been to dc nor attended a rally.  unless you count pep rallies, in which case i have participated in dozens.  let’s hear it for the slater wildcats!  ok, back to the subject at hand.  i arrived in dc on wednesday and promptly checked into my hotel in fairfax and headed back into dc.  my first stop was lunch at oohsandahhs, which is a soul food restaurant that was featured on diners, drive-in's and dives.  it was definitely a dive but the food was delish!  from here i went on my own tour of dc, i saw the white house, capitol, national monument, and much , much more all crammed into one afternoon before i had to head back to virginia to get ready for my conference on thursday and friday.  i left fairfax after my conference on friday and headed towards dc on the metro.  lucky for me, i met a very nice gentleman who was also taking the Metro who helped me find my way otherwise who knows where i would have ended up.  we had a very nice conversation and i learned lots of interesting facts about dc including that i was staying in the same hotel (mayflower renaissance) that eliot spitzer took his hookers and to stand on the right side of the escalator if you do not intend to walk up/down or the locals go bananas.  good to know.   after getting off the metro with help from my first friend in dc I was able to navigate my way to my hotel with only the help of my trusty map.  i checked into my hotel and promptly found the hotel bar.  i never have too much trouble finding that.  one of the best things about visiting the east coast has to be yuengling, a delicious beer brewed at the oldest brewery in america.  i am pretty sure everyone at the bar was attending the rally.  i didn’t come across anyone who wasn’t anyway.  after a few, okay several, yuenglings i headed to find materials for my rally sign.  i came across a cvs and purchased a cardboard packing box and a package of sharpies.  from here i hopped across the street to the liquor store to purchase some liquid inspiration.  i headed back to my room with my screw-top bottle of wine (they discourage traveling with corkscrews these days) and began work on my sign.  i had decided that the front would say “i’m okay with the mosque, it’s walmart that scares me” and the back would say “do what is correct, not what is right or left.”  after spending what felt like an hour on the front I decided it would have to do.  it was no masterpiece but it would serve its purpose.

i knew the rally was supposed to last from 12:00-3:00 with the pre-show beginning at 10:00 but i had no idea what time i should get there.  i set my alarm for 7:00 and decided to figure it out in the morning.  i woke up at 4:30, tossed and turned for an hour and decided to go ahead and get up.  i got ready, packed my bags and headed to the lobby not sure what i was going to do.  when i got downstairs the bellhop asked “going to the rally?” to which i quickly responded “yes” and within minutes was in a cab headed to our nation’s capitol.  i think this was the point that i thought "omg, i have no idea what i am doing."  when the cab driver dropped me off i saw a group of about 10 people walking in direction of the capitol and followed them in.  it was completely pitch black and they could have been hobos for all i knew but i just went with it.  fortunately, they led me to the right place.  there were probably about 500 people there at this time so i made my way to the front and claimed my space.  within minutes i realized that i could have been more prepared.  most people had blankets to sit on, some with chairs.   i would have to improvise.  while waiting in line for a cup of coffee i noticed a women getting ready to throw away a cardboard box.  sweet salvation!  i kindly asked her if i could have it and she obliged.  now i had my own little space three rows back from the front.  by now it was about 6:30 and was still not light outside.  what in the world was i going to do for the next four hours?  i met a very nice couple behind me from ohio, another couple next to me from michigan, and three ladies, (two sisters and a wife of one of the sisters) from southern california that were so nice i decided to unfold my precious cardboard to share with them.  as the day went along some people around us moved or were lost in the crowd but I stuck with these three ladies throughout the day.  after expressing my profound love for wyatt cenac from the daily show, one of them who brought a sharpie wrote “i love you wyatt” on the back of my sign.  finally, i felt complete.  after four hours of sitting in one location we learned a lot about one another.  within the first hour i decided there was no way i was going to make my flight back home to dc and promptly changed my plans so i could leave on sunday.  my new friends were very impressed that I was brave enough to attend such event alone, and if i may brag a bit i was quite impressed with myself as well. 

i could go on and on about the show but that wasn’t really what the day was about for me.  sure that was what drew me there but it was not what i took away from it.  yes, it was great entertainment from the roots, john legend, the ojay’s, ozzy frickin’ ozborne, kid rock, sheryl crow, jeff tweedy, mavis staples cat stevens, jon stewart, stephen colbert, and many more but the coolest thing about it was the people next to me.  of course there were a few nut jobs there but the overwhelming majority were perfectly sane citizens of our wonderful country.  this was not a rally to encourage or persuade people to vote democrat or republican, this was a rally to persuade and encourage people to be kind and respectful.  you cannot turn on the tv anymore without someone screaming and yelling about politics and i personally don’t believe one side is any better than the other.  they are both at fault.  we all, are to some extent, at fault.  we teach our kids from an early age to be kind and have manners and to be respectful even when we don’t get our way and then when we don't get ours we act like children.  i think we could all practice what we preach more often.  i do not agree with a lot of people about a lot of things but that does not make them less than me.  i will not look down on anyone regardless of how crazy i think their views are.  that does not change the fact that i think  some others views are crazy, but it does change the way i react.  i am not a saint, i can judge someone just as easy as the next person but i am going to make a conscious decision to be more accepting of all people.  there have been so many times, often involving politics that i get incensed because i don't understand another's viewpoint.  i don't need to understand their viewpoint, i only need to respect it.  often times the media doesn't even discuss the issues at hand because they are so busy putting one another down.  we should be able to state our varying opinions in a calm, reasonable manner without insulting anyone.  we are adults, and we should act like it.  i get it, I understand that who is in office affects each of us in a certain, most of the time different way.  i have been affected both good and bad over the years but at the end of the day is it really worth raising our blood pressure?  all we can do is inform ourselves the best we can and vote in the manner we see fit.  and if it doesn’t go the way that we wanted than better luck next time.  i do not believe that the people who represent all parties in the media are a good representation of the masses.  i believe most of us are relatively sane.  i am even more sure of this after attending the rally.  anyway, i could go on and on but hopefully you get my point.  if not, that's okay too.  i think jon stewart says it much more eloquently than i ever could so i have attached his closing speech below.  i have also attached some of my favorite rally signs below.  i hope you enjoy them as much as i did!

jon stewart's closing remarks

“I can’t control what people think this was.  I can only tell you my intentions.   This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear.  They are and we do.  But we live now in hard times, not end times.  And we can have animus and not be enemies.
But unfortunately one of our main tools in delineating the two broke.  The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder.  The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.
If we amplify everything we hear nothing.  There are terrorists and racists and Stalinists and theocrats but those are titles that must be earned.  You must have the resume.  Not being able to distinguish between real racists and Tea Partiers or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rick Sanchez is an insult, not only to those people but to the racists themselves who have put in the exhausting effort it takes to hate--just as the inability to distinguish terrorists from Muslims makes us less safe not more.  The press is our immune system.  If we overreact to everything we actually get sicker--and perhaps eczema.
And yet, with that being said, I feel good—strangely, calmly good.  Because the image of Americans that is reflected back to us by our political and media process is false.  It is us through a fun house mirror, and not the good kind that makes you look slim in the waist and maybe taller, but the kind where you have a giant forehead and an ass shaped like a month old pumpkin and one eyeball.
So, why would we work together?  Why would you reach across the aisle to a pumpkin assed forehead eyeball monster?  If the picture of us were true, of course, our inability to solve problems would actually be quite sane and reasonable.  Why would you work with Marxists actively subverting our Constitution or racists and homophobes who see no one’s humanity but their own?  We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is—on the brink of catastrophe—torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do.  We work together to get things done every damn day!
The only place we don’t is here or on cable TV.  But Americans don’t live here or on cable TV.  Where we live our values and principles form the foundations that sustains us while we get things done, not the barriers that prevent us from getting things done.  Most Americans don’t live their lives solely as Democrats, Republicans, liberals or conservatives.  Americans live their lives more as people that are just a little bit late for something they have to do—often something that they do not want to do—but they do it--impossible things every day that are only made possible by the little reasonable compromises that we all make.
Look on the screen. This is where we are. This is who we are.  (points to the Jumbotron screen which show traffic merging into a tunnel).  These cars—that’s a schoolteacher who probably thinks his taxes are too high.  He’s going to work.  There’s another car-a woman with two small kids who can’t really think about anything else right now.  There’s another car, swerving, I don’t even know if you can see it—the lady’s in the NRA and she loves Oprah.  There’s another car—an investment banker, gay, also likes Oprah.  Another car’s a Latino carpenter.  Another car a fundamentalist vacuum salesman.  Atheist obstetrician.  Mormon Jay-Z fan.  But this is us.  Every one of the cars that you see is filled with individuals of strong belief and principles they hold dear—often principles and beliefs in direct opposition to their fellow travelers.
And yet these millions of cars must somehow find a way to squeeze one by one into a mile long 30 foot wide tunnel carved underneath a mighty river.  Carved, by the way, by people who I’m sure had their differences.  And they do it.  Concession by conscession.  You go.  Then I’ll go.  You go. Then I’ll go.  You go then I’ll go. Oh my God, is that an NRA sticker on your car?  Is that an Obama sticker on your car? Well, that’s okay—you go and then I’ll go.
And sure, at some point there will be a selfish jerk who zips up the shoulder and cuts in at the last minute, but that individual is rare and he is scorned and not hired as an analyst.
Because we know instinctively as a people that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light we have to work together. And the truth is, there will always be darkness.  And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the promised land. Sometimes it’s just New Jersey.  But we do it anyway, together.
If you want to know why I’m here and want I want from you, I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me.  Your presence was what I wanted.
Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder.  To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine.  Thank you."

rambling woman

i have been trying to carve out a few minutes over the last few weeks to get some of these thoughts out of my head but i just haven't found time!  i honestly have nothing new to report.  i have been so busy with my new position at ucm and helping main street find a new director that i am meeting myself coming and going.  i still love the new position and could not be happier that i took that leap of faith.  i know i have said it before but i truly believe this job was sent to me.  one of our students with down syndrome performed at the ucm freshmen talent show this past week and it honestly moved me to tears.  the courage that it took for him to get up on that stage is so admirable and we could all learn something from it.  i really enjoy working with the students and feel like they are probably going to change me more than i am them.  some days i can't believe i get paid to do this.

for the first time since we left our last doctor's appointment i got online and looked at some of our possible egg donors.  i realized as soon as i opened the page and a wave of emotion came over me that i have probably shoved everything that is going on a little bit too far down.  i still feel that taking my new job was a nice way to force me to think about something else but i think in a way it has given me an excuse not to deal with everything that is going on.  i guess i am struggling with finding a balance.  i went from our infertility consuming every aspect of my life to not even breathing a word about it.  i am just kind of lost as to how to deal with it.  i don't want to talk about it anymore.  i can feel my chest tighten up when i feel like someone is going to ask me how things are going.  this is a very weird feeling for me.  as most of you know, i like to talk quite a lot.  i can see some of you smiling as i typed those words.  when we were going through our previous treatment i could not wait for the next procedure or appointment.  right now i find myself wishing time would stand still for a bit and january wouldn't come so quick.  i am trying my best to listen to my gut and what it says but i am finding even that difficult.  i do know, if i still feel like this come january there is no way i can proceed with treatment.  i keep having this image of josh and i pushing the stroller with our child and running into someone we know who asks us who we think our baby looks like.  typical question that i think most new parents get but it terrifies me.  what am i suppose to say?  that they look like josh or maybe jason and some woman out there whom i will never know?  it creeps me out.  ugh.

on a brighter note, i did like one of the donors quite a lot.  she has dark hair, dark eyes and i felt a strange connection with her as i read over her bio.  there was another gal that i liked as well but she misspelled like three different words and for some reason that really bothered me.  i guess i sort of feel like if she can't put more effort into her bio than that how seriously will she take the treatment?  maybe that is absurd but it really stood out to me. 

we should be getting results back from jason very soon and then i think we can truly decide how to proceed.  after all we have been through i can't help but worry about how that is going to go.  i would have never dreamt that they would not have been able to use cass.  we will know soon enough.  wow, i can't believe i started off by stating i have nothing new to report.  i have been rambling for several paragraphs now.  i will update when i have news from jason and an idea what's next.  until then...

organized chaos

well, i survived my first week at my new gig.  i am not going to lie, it is complete chaos right now but i absolutely love it.  in my previous case management experience i never had the chance to work with people with down syndrome so i was naturally a little nervous about the adjustment.  it sounds crazy (as do most of my thoughts), but these kids have changed my life in the span of one week.  they are the most positively amazing people on the planet.  their outlook on life is incredibly endearing.  i am even more amped up about this program now that i have started.  we are still working out a lot of the kinks but it is coming together quite nice.  we are one of only nine (or something close to that) programs like this in the u.s. and i feel so incredibly honored to be a part of it.  i felt strongly that this change would do me some good and i could not have been more right...which as we all know is usually the case:)  i have felt more like myself in the past 10 days than i have in the past 10 months.  don't get me wrong, i loved my job at main street but it was time for a change.

speaking of main street...we will begin interviews next week so hopefully i will have a replacement soon.  i am happy to help them out in the interim but i am seriously meeting myself coming and going!  the board is having a going-away party for me this thursday which i am very excited about.  it will be  nice to kick back and relax with the people i have worked with over the past four years as well as a few of my bffs who have continually supported me.  because several of my previous board members work at ucm i have the good fortune of continuing to work with them in the future.

so, as nervous as i was about putting the kibosh on the the baby makin' process, it was absolutely the best decision we could have made.  i have some time to get settled into my new job and then we can get back on track after the first of the year.  my new gig is not allowing me to think about much else which is just what i needed.

footloose and cancer free

i know i am way behind in my posting but i have honestly been meeting myself coming and going these past few weeks.  i looked for my phone for ten minutes the other day before i realized i was on it!  i did get word from my doctor that my biopsy results are good!  there are some dysplastic cells which apparently indicates change so they want to keep an eye on that area but the margins were free and clear and no sign of melanoma!  i feel like this in addition to getting my new job just might be the start of good things to come!

as far as baby makin' goes i have actually had a much easier time putting it out of my head than i thought i would.  it is probably due, in part, to the fact that i have been trying to wrap things up at main street while simultaneously trying to get prepared for my new gig.  i am so excited for this new adventure and just know it is going to be a great fit.  don't get me wrong, those lingering thoughts are still there but they are not consuming me the way they have over the past six months.  i actually feel somewhat normal...well normal for me anyway.  i did get on the website to look at the anonymous donors just to see what it was all about.  i feel less nervous about using an anonymous donor now that i see how much information they give us.  I haven't been back on the site since then, we don't need to begin choosing until november so i figure i will just drive myself nuts checking it everyday.

all in all, things are starting to look up.  i truly feel like this job was sent to me.  i think it will be just the self-esteem boost i need.  i think even the most confident person would have questions about their self-worth after the year that we have had.  tomorrow is my first day and i need to prepare so i am going to have to cut this short for now.  i will be sure to keep you informed as i go!

ch-ch-ch-changes

i am happy to report that i have some good news to share although not baby related.  several weeks ago i heard about a job opening for a thrive (transformation, health, responsibility, independence, vocation, education) caseworker position at ucm.  while i was not looking for a new job i felt i had to at the very least apply as psychology and social work are my first passion.  to my surprise, i applied, interviewed and was offered the position late last week.  it was definitely a bittersweet decision as i have loved working for main street the past four years but it felt right in my gut so i decided to go for it.  i will be working with twelve students that have some sort of emotional or intellectual disability that are seeking a post-secondary education.  it is a brand new program on campus so i will have the pleasure (and pain) of helping mold its structure.  not only will i have excellent benefits, but i can go back and get my masters degree for free...and the most important thing to note is that it is an august-may position!  that's right, summers off!  its okay to be jealous.  since josh and i have decided to take a vacation from ivf this will be the perfect thing to distract me.

speaking of taking a break from ivf, josh and i went to rrc today to meet with marge for an anonymous donor consultation. i had never followed up with marge since she called to tell me the news about cass so i decided yesterday i better do so.  she at that time informed me that if we want to proceed with an anonymous donor in the future we will have to have another consultation as it is different than using a known donor.  i wanted to get in before i start the new job in a couple of weeks and lucky for us they had an opening today.  basically everything is the same except we would use an anonymous donor instead of my sister.  it is kind of weird really, she gave us a password to get on their website to look at potential donors.  in addition to a photograph, it tells their physical features, interests, psychosocial information, family history, health history and much more.  so, you pick your donor and then rrc tries to coordinate cycles and so forth.  crazy stuff.

although we have decided to proceed with an anonymous donor we are still going to take a break before beginning another cycle.  every bone in my body is telling me to take a break.  i used to get excited about going to rrc because i viewed each visit as being one step closer to a baby, now when i go i get a stomach ache from the anxiety and today dissolved into tears five seconds into the appointment.  seriously, before marge barely uttered two words.  yes, i think a break is much needed.  we plan to start after the first of the year.  i feel like i need at least a couple of months to prepare and i want to avoid the holiday season so january seems like the best bet.  the holidays are stressful enough and with the anniversary of dusty's death I think it will be an extra difficult year.  so new year, new start it is.

josh and i discussed looking into adoption in the mean time which last week seemed like a good idea but after today's visit i think i need to take things one step at a time.  there is so much stress dealing with ivf, i don't think throwing more irons on the fire at this point is a good idea.  before i was on the fence, but after today's appointment i am positive i need to wait.  plus, if i am being honest, i think a part of me feels like proceeding with adoption is claiming defeat.  if we get a great egg donor who produces a lot of eggs it could result in multiple pregnancies as we could freeze additional embryos for future use.  plus, i am still keeping my fingers crossed for those twins:)

we had another little health scare last week but i don't look for it to result in anything negative.  i swear, if i didn't know what i am saying is true i might honestly question its validity.  most of you know that almost three years ago i was diagnosed with malignant melanoma.  i was very fortunate that it was detected early and they were able to remove it with not radiation or chemotherapy.  i was able to walk away with only one heck of a battle wound on my left shoulder and a love-hate relationship with the sun.  since then, i have been very religious about going back in every six months for my recommended check-ups and bathing in sunscreen on a daily basis.  i went in last week for my routine exam and for the first time since my surgery they found a mole that looked suspicious.  did i really just say suspicious mole?  they felt it had changed since my previous visit and they would rather be safe than sorry.  they removed it for biopsy and i should have my results back this week.  i am sure they are just playing it safe and everything will be fine but man am i anxious for those results!

so, other than that, nothing is new really.  i would be lying if i said i haven't been in quite a funk lately but i think this new job is going to be a fresh start.  its like i am in a constant state of sadness with little bursts of joy throughout.  you know those bumper-stickers that say "zero to bitch in 60 seconds," that is pretty much my constant state of mind.  i will be skipping along, going about my day, and bam, even the smallest thing will send me into orbit.  hopefully this new challenge will increase my self-esteem and give me something to focus on other than babies!  while in the waiting room at rrc today i noticed a flyer for a support group that meets regularly and thought about checking it out.  i consider myself very lucky to have the friends and family i do but it would be nice to talk to a group that know exactly what i am experiencing.  i have noticed myself becoming frustrated with people complaining about their trials and tribulations and that is not who i am although it may be what i am feeling currently.  in my mind i know that we all have things going on in our lives that can seem overwhelming at times and my issues are no worse than the next persons.  this is life, it is not easy.  as my good friend kristy would say...put your big girl panties on and deal with it.

get me off this roller coaster!

this is the third time i have attempted this post.  for some reason every time i sit down to get the words out of my head the thoughts become frozen.  of course if i had good news to share they would probably flow much easier. i think part of the problem is before i was just blogging about josh and i on our journey to parenthood.  now, because of the path life has taken, cassidy, jason and their families are part of this roller coaster ride as well.  while they have both given their blessing for me to blog about this entire experience i feel like parts of this story is theirs to share.  i guess that is probably what i have been getting stuck on in my previous attempts to get this information out.  so, minus all the details, we are not able to use cassidy as an egg donor.  i am diagnosed with severe ovarian dysfunction and she with mild to moderate.  i could go into all of the medical terminology and what it means but really don't see where it's necessary.

as for where we go now, who knows?  josh and i have decided to take a vacation from this amusement park.  the only conversation we wish to have about eggs at this point is who is going to make breakfast.  as for how long this break is, could be a week, could be a month, we are not going to try to make that determination.  i would be lying if i said we aren't both feeling a bit defeated at this point.  don't get me wrong, we will both bounce back, but i think this blow might keep us down a little longer.  i understand the universe is trying to tell us something and i still know we will have a baby someday but i think we are both just feeling a bit beat up right now.  i think we both need some time to get our heads in shape.

i think that is all i have right now.  i want to close by stating how incredibly fortunate i am to have cass.  not only for so selflessly attempting to go through this whole process to help josh and i out but for being my rock while doing it.  my gratitude could not be put into words.  she is one of the most strong (and quite stubborn) individuals i have ever known and i am very lucky to be able to draw from her strength.  she is an incredible mom, sister, wife, nurse, and friend.  if i am able to be half the mother she is someday i will have some very lucky children.  also, it is pretty nice to have a brother-in-law who will lay in the pool and drink beer with you all day in a time of need:)

sister sister

it was my hope to be able to leave our consultation with some more definitive answers but it seems nothing on this journey is definitive until there is a crying baby in our arms.  it was a very long day to say the least.  cass, j.d., josh and myself were there for almost five hours.  it is truly one of the most mentally exhausting experiences i can imagine.

they split us up by couples in the beginning to do our psychiatric consultations which must have gone well because the psychiatrist said she would bring us together for a group discussion afterwards if there were any issues that needed to be addressed and she did not do so.  i can't believe we all passed the crazy test, that in itself is a miracle.  while cass and jd were with the psychiatrist we met with marge, our new ivf coordinator, and vice versa.  i had some speculation about marge, as i stated before, but she turned out to be alright.  she is definitely very different than brandi, much more intense, but she obviously knows what she is doing and that is the important thing. of course every time she left the room josh would say "tell them large marge sent ya."  nothing like continuous quotes from pee wee herman to lighten the mood. the psychiatrist and marge both mentioned several times that it is not uncommon for sisters to have the same issues.  while it seems logical that someone who has had no difficulty getting pregnant would be the ideal candidate it is, of course, much more complex than that.  there is no question that cass can create a good quality egg, the question is how many can she create.  if you remember, this was one of the major concerns with my cycle.  i was on the maximum dose of hormones and was only able to create seven eggs, with only four of them being good enough quality to attempt fertilization.  it only took cass one good egg to conceive while the goal here is to create multiple eggs, on average they like to get at least twelve.  they did a full exam and transvaginal ultrasound on cass and she was kind enough to let me in the room with her.  i think we could both sense right away that there was some concern from dr. brabec.  after her exam marge and dr. brabec both met with all four of us together.  they said there is some concern about the way things looked but they won't know how to proceed until they get more blood work.  cass and jd were both tested for infectious diseases and they also drew blood from cass to test her amh.  during our first cycle they tested my amh, which was lower than what they like.  i was told that this was an indication that i would likely not create many eggs which proved true.  they also want to test her fsh but they have to do so on day two, three, or four of her cycle.  she is due to start anytime so it will likely be the beginning of next week.  they will also do another transvagianl ultrasound at that time and then decide how to proceed.

best case scenario is her amh and fsh come back good and we proceed as planned.  the last thing i asked dr. brabec was if we should be super concerned and she said she would not say super concerned but she does have a reasonable amount of concern after the ultrasound. if the tests do not come back as we wish, we will likely follow the advice of dr. brabec, whatever that may be.  if it looks as if cass has similar issues as i do, my guess is they would suggest i use an anonymous egg donor or proceed with adoption, both of which still lead to a baby.  we will just have to cross that bridge when it gets here.  we are hoping for the best but being realistic at the same time.

as for jason, he has to do a phone consultation with the psychiatrist and get some lab work along with a semen analysis done in portland and have the results sent over to rrc.  we will have a better idea of how to proceed with that piece when that is completed.

as crazy as it sounds, we did have an enjoyable time yesterday.  having cass there added a new comfort level and josh and j.d. are nice comic relief.  no matter which way this new road takes us josh and i are eternally grateful that cass and j.d. took the time out of their day to help us out.  i am choosing to believe that cassidy's tests are going to come back fine and we will proceed on our path to parenthood.  i will update next week when i have more news.