a flurry of emotions

well, things certainly seem to be going our way this time around.  we ended up with two of josh's embryos on the day of transfer which is terrific news.  i have posted pictures of our precious little ones below.  we also had two left over to freeze, one donor and one josh, for future use.  when we went in for transfer the lab technician came in to greet us and i for the one hundredth time i inquired about the quality:)  her exact response was "girl, they look great...you could have twins!"  omg.  i almost peed my pants.  this was much different from last time as we were promptly notified upon entering the room that neither of the ones they transferred looked very good.

after transfer, i had two excruciating days of bed rest.  i never thought i could be so excited to go back to work!  I was happy to get back into the swing of things and while our pregnancy test is always at the forefront of my mind, i haven't felt all consumed by it as i did last time.  i have tried to keep myself busy without overdoing it and just take it one day at a time.  of course, i am constantly looking for a sign of pregnancy knowing that there will likely not be one this early but i can't imagine anyone in my shoes would not do the same.  i might be one of the only people to wish to wake up with morning sickness!

we go in tomorrow for the much anticipated blood test so the nerves have officially set in.  the predicted 20 inches of snow and ice aren't doing much to alleviate the stress.  why wouldn't our blood test be on the day of the expected "largest snow storm in 20 years?"  it will just make for a better story to tell our kids one day, right?  sheesh.  we are going to go up tonight and stay in a hotel near the clinic just to play it safe.  we were able to find one with covered parking so we won't have to worry about digging our car out in the morning.

i feel very good.  much different than last time, although this whole second round has been much different than last time.  in some ways i feel as if i am acting as if i am already pregnant.  i tried to fight this urge a bit at first but decided just to go with it.  no actions, emotions, thoughts or premonitions could make a negative result any worse tomorrow.  i almost feel as if that isn't even possible.  i felt with every fiber in my body that good news was not coming our way after my blood test last time although i did my best to put on my usual smiley face.  i have always felt that i am very in tune to my body and don't believe that i am just playing tricks on myself.  i feel like tomorrow will begin a glorious new chapter in our life.  i don't feel this way because i think we deserve it (although we do), or because i can't handle it if it isn't (although I am not sure if i can), i just feel this way.  as i laid in the hotel room the night before josh's procedure and the donor's egg retrieval, i felt this overwhelming sense of peace and clarity.  those who know me most know these moments have been few and far between over the last year in particular.  i can't say i knew it was going to work this time, however, i just knew in the pit of my stomach that i was going to be okay either way.  there have been times throughout this whole experience that i have questioned if i would survive it. and many nights i have had to be talked off of the ledge.  i have questioned my strength, my courage, my ability to cope all while dealing with the emotions of being "broken."  i laid there that night thinking about josh and i and how i truly feel we have something that some less fortunate people search their whole life for.  we have each other and if i had to spend the rest of my life with him and only him i could be satisfied. 

we are so fortunate to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends and family.  this would have been unsurvivable without them.  we are off to pack the car with shovels, blankets and all of the necessary items we may need to survive the storm.  i will be in touch soon...

eleven come seven

i am very happy to report that our cycle is off to a very good start.  finally.  josh went in for his procedure this past wednesday where they were able to retrieve sperm again!  the egg donor was there as well for egg retrieval.  it was quite a surreal experience to know that she was in the same building as us.  i am not going to lie, i considered sneaking down to the hospital waiting room to catch a glimpse but was thankfully able to refrain myself.  marge, our ivf nurse, called later that afternoon to report that they had retrieved 11 eggs!  they like to get ten to twelve so this was excellent news.  if you remember, they were only able to retrieve seven from me.  josh and i were thrilled with the news!

they called thursday morning to inform us that seven eggs fertilized!  this in itself is fabulous news, but the icing on the cake is that four of them were fertilized with josh's sperm and three with the donor sperm!  i, of course, was thrilled but josh was over the moon!  things seem to be finally going our way.  they called again this morning with another report and all seven are still kickin'.  out of josh's four, two have divided into four cells, one into 3 cells, and the last into two cells.  with the donor sperm, there are two four cell and one three cell.  they should continue to divide each day so this is great progress.

they will call again in the morning with another count.  talk about living life one day at a time.  sheesh.  after our report in the morning they will transfer the embryos to a new medium making tomorrow the most critical day for our little babies.  prayers, good vibes, positive energy, witchcraft, and voo-doo all welcome.  the report on sunday will likely reflect the number we will have to work with on monday morning when we go in for transfer.  last time, we began with four embryos and ended up with two on the day of transfer.  they will transfer two unless come monday there are only two embryos left, one belonging to the donor and one to josh.  if this should be the case, they will only transfer one and freeze the remaining.  i don't anticipate that happening given our good start but you never know.

josh and i both feel very positive and much more relaxed this time around.  we had to begin the intramuscular shots again which are no fun but not the worst thing in the world.  i am trying not to get my hopes too high for the obvious fear of being let down again but i have a very good feeling about this.  i will be on bed rest the day of and the day after transfer so i will update again the beginning of the week!

cautiously optimistic

i know, i know, this post is a long time coming. i have sat down several times to write it but i always draw a blank.  i must say, not being able to come up with words is a whole new experience for me. it is not only difficult to explain this extremely scientific, tedious process but to get my thoughts out in a way that seems fit as well.  about a month ago, i sat down to try to write and began reading my blog from the beginning instead.  it was one of the strangest experiences i have ever had.  although, i have only been blogging for a year i felt as if i didn't even recognize the person who had typed out each entry.  they seemed like words of an impostor as opposed to mine.  i don't even feel like i am the same person anymore.  i couldn't even begin to explain the toll this whole process has taken on josh and i.  i don't think i need for people to understand it not that anyone could.  at the end of the day, josh is what keeps me sane.  kind of ironic, he is also what makes me insane:)  i suppose that is probably true for any happy couple.  he surprised me with at trip to hermann for nye and it was honestly the best gift he could have given me.  sometimes just getting out of town, out of our daily routine, even for one evening can be so refreshing.  i think after getting away for a bit i am ready to get some of these thoughts out with the hopes of silencing some of the crazy voices in my head.  i will give it my best shot...

we have a lot of catching up to do. i think the last place i left everyone we were searching for an egg donor and were planning to use jason as a partial sperm donor. long story short, the powers that be determined that we are unable to use jason as well. this, of course, sent us into another tailspin. after lots of discussion, we decided to proceed as planned with an egg donor for me and a partial sperm donor for josh. in a nutshell (pun intended), if my donor gets 10 eggs they will put five eggs with josh's sperm and five eggs with the sperm donor’s sperm. the sperm donor is really our back up plan. because we both have a fair amount of fertility issues they are unable to determine why our last cycle did not work. so, if we got 12 healthy eggs from our donor and put them all with josh’s sperm and none of them worked we would know he was a big factor but at that point it would be too late to do anything about it. we can skip over the part where i explain that i am fully aware of how odd this sounds because I have said it all before. no one knows what path they will take until they are at the intersection.

as i stated in a previous post, i had a difficult time choosing an egg donor. josh and i began seeing an infertility counselor that has helped us tremendously throughout this process. she really eased my mind by validating all of the emotions i was feeling. i think more than anything i just needed a break from all of the madness. taking time off from all of the baby talk helped more than anything. so, i have now chosen a donor who i think is just perfect. she completed her first cycle for another patient in october where they retrieved 13 eggs (they like to get 10-12) which resulted in a pregnancy. our nurse said the second cycle, for whatever reason, usually goes better than the first so i feel optimistic. as far as choosing, i went with physical characteristics above all else. she is the exact same height and weight and has brown hair and brown eyes. i didn’t really see the importance of all the other information like what instruments or sports she plays.

in regards to a sperm donor, josh chose his just last week. it is pretty much the same process as the egg donor, you get full medical, emotional and physical information on each donor. josh narrowed it down to five and then we agreed upon the final donor. we ruled out two donors right away and then wrote down the final three in the order we would pick them. of course, his third choice was my first and vice versa you can pay $5 for a childhood photo so we decided to go that route and to see if it helped us decide. as soon as the 3rd photo downloaded (josh’s 1st choice) we both looked at each other in agreement.

so now we have both donors chosen and have begun our second cycle. i began shots the day after christmas and will start estrogen patches tomorrow. i only have one shot this time since we are not using my eggs which is very nice. egg retrieval is scheduled for january 18th, 19th, or 20th with embryo transfer 5 days after that and pregnancy test 8 days after that. so, the latest our pregnancy test should be is february 3. less than a month away!

i will do my best to keep everyone posted on the process from here on out. i feel a lot more calm this time, i think part of me is numb to it and part of me just feels more relaxed. i still feel positive that it is going to work and i think that is most important. we appreciate all of the well wishes and look forward to delivering excellent news in 2011!

insane in the membrane

i normally blog about baby stuff but since we are still waiting to hear results in regards to whether or not we should use jason as a sperm donor i think i will talk about my completely insane week in dc.  i attended a conference in farifax, va, just outside of dc last week and made an impulsive decision to stay and attend jon stewart and stephen colbert’s rally to restore sanity and/or fear.  i had no idea what to expect as i have never been to dc nor attended a rally.  unless you count pep rallies, in which case i have participated in dozens.  let’s hear it for the slater wildcats!  ok, back to the subject at hand.  i arrived in dc on wednesday and promptly checked into my hotel in fairfax and headed back into dc.  my first stop was lunch at oohsandahhs, which is a soul food restaurant that was featured on diners, drive-in's and dives.  it was definitely a dive but the food was delish!  from here i went on my own tour of dc, i saw the white house, capitol, national monument, and much , much more all crammed into one afternoon before i had to head back to virginia to get ready for my conference on thursday and friday.  i left fairfax after my conference on friday and headed towards dc on the metro.  lucky for me, i met a very nice gentleman who was also taking the Metro who helped me find my way otherwise who knows where i would have ended up.  we had a very nice conversation and i learned lots of interesting facts about dc including that i was staying in the same hotel (mayflower renaissance) that eliot spitzer took his hookers and to stand on the right side of the escalator if you do not intend to walk up/down or the locals go bananas.  good to know.   after getting off the metro with help from my first friend in dc I was able to navigate my way to my hotel with only the help of my trusty map.  i checked into my hotel and promptly found the hotel bar.  i never have too much trouble finding that.  one of the best things about visiting the east coast has to be yuengling, a delicious beer brewed at the oldest brewery in america.  i am pretty sure everyone at the bar was attending the rally.  i didn’t come across anyone who wasn’t anyway.  after a few, okay several, yuenglings i headed to find materials for my rally sign.  i came across a cvs and purchased a cardboard packing box and a package of sharpies.  from here i hopped across the street to the liquor store to purchase some liquid inspiration.  i headed back to my room with my screw-top bottle of wine (they discourage traveling with corkscrews these days) and began work on my sign.  i had decided that the front would say “i’m okay with the mosque, it’s walmart that scares me” and the back would say “do what is correct, not what is right or left.”  after spending what felt like an hour on the front I decided it would have to do.  it was no masterpiece but it would serve its purpose.

i knew the rally was supposed to last from 12:00-3:00 with the pre-show beginning at 10:00 but i had no idea what time i should get there.  i set my alarm for 7:00 and decided to figure it out in the morning.  i woke up at 4:30, tossed and turned for an hour and decided to go ahead and get up.  i got ready, packed my bags and headed to the lobby not sure what i was going to do.  when i got downstairs the bellhop asked “going to the rally?” to which i quickly responded “yes” and within minutes was in a cab headed to our nation’s capitol.  i think this was the point that i thought "omg, i have no idea what i am doing."  when the cab driver dropped me off i saw a group of about 10 people walking in direction of the capitol and followed them in.  it was completely pitch black and they could have been hobos for all i knew but i just went with it.  fortunately, they led me to the right place.  there were probably about 500 people there at this time so i made my way to the front and claimed my space.  within minutes i realized that i could have been more prepared.  most people had blankets to sit on, some with chairs.   i would have to improvise.  while waiting in line for a cup of coffee i noticed a women getting ready to throw away a cardboard box.  sweet salvation!  i kindly asked her if i could have it and she obliged.  now i had my own little space three rows back from the front.  by now it was about 6:30 and was still not light outside.  what in the world was i going to do for the next four hours?  i met a very nice couple behind me from ohio, another couple next to me from michigan, and three ladies, (two sisters and a wife of one of the sisters) from southern california that were so nice i decided to unfold my precious cardboard to share with them.  as the day went along some people around us moved or were lost in the crowd but I stuck with these three ladies throughout the day.  after expressing my profound love for wyatt cenac from the daily show, one of them who brought a sharpie wrote “i love you wyatt” on the back of my sign.  finally, i felt complete.  after four hours of sitting in one location we learned a lot about one another.  within the first hour i decided there was no way i was going to make my flight back home to dc and promptly changed my plans so i could leave on sunday.  my new friends were very impressed that I was brave enough to attend such event alone, and if i may brag a bit i was quite impressed with myself as well. 

i could go on and on about the show but that wasn’t really what the day was about for me.  sure that was what drew me there but it was not what i took away from it.  yes, it was great entertainment from the roots, john legend, the ojay’s, ozzy frickin’ ozborne, kid rock, sheryl crow, jeff tweedy, mavis staples cat stevens, jon stewart, stephen colbert, and many more but the coolest thing about it was the people next to me.  of course there were a few nut jobs there but the overwhelming majority were perfectly sane citizens of our wonderful country.  this was not a rally to encourage or persuade people to vote democrat or republican, this was a rally to persuade and encourage people to be kind and respectful.  you cannot turn on the tv anymore without someone screaming and yelling about politics and i personally don’t believe one side is any better than the other.  they are both at fault.  we all, are to some extent, at fault.  we teach our kids from an early age to be kind and have manners and to be respectful even when we don’t get our way and then when we don't get ours we act like children.  i think we could all practice what we preach more often.  i do not agree with a lot of people about a lot of things but that does not make them less than me.  i will not look down on anyone regardless of how crazy i think their views are.  that does not change the fact that i think  some others views are crazy, but it does change the way i react.  i am not a saint, i can judge someone just as easy as the next person but i am going to make a conscious decision to be more accepting of all people.  there have been so many times, often involving politics that i get incensed because i don't understand another's viewpoint.  i don't need to understand their viewpoint, i only need to respect it.  often times the media doesn't even discuss the issues at hand because they are so busy putting one another down.  we should be able to state our varying opinions in a calm, reasonable manner without insulting anyone.  we are adults, and we should act like it.  i get it, I understand that who is in office affects each of us in a certain, most of the time different way.  i have been affected both good and bad over the years but at the end of the day is it really worth raising our blood pressure?  all we can do is inform ourselves the best we can and vote in the manner we see fit.  and if it doesn’t go the way that we wanted than better luck next time.  i do not believe that the people who represent all parties in the media are a good representation of the masses.  i believe most of us are relatively sane.  i am even more sure of this after attending the rally.  anyway, i could go on and on but hopefully you get my point.  if not, that's okay too.  i think jon stewart says it much more eloquently than i ever could so i have attached his closing speech below.  i have also attached some of my favorite rally signs below.  i hope you enjoy them as much as i did!

jon stewart's closing remarks

“I can’t control what people think this was.  I can only tell you my intentions.   This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear.  They are and we do.  But we live now in hard times, not end times.  And we can have animus and not be enemies.
But unfortunately one of our main tools in delineating the two broke.  The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder.  The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.
If we amplify everything we hear nothing.  There are terrorists and racists and Stalinists and theocrats but those are titles that must be earned.  You must have the resume.  Not being able to distinguish between real racists and Tea Partiers or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rick Sanchez is an insult, not only to those people but to the racists themselves who have put in the exhausting effort it takes to hate--just as the inability to distinguish terrorists from Muslims makes us less safe not more.  The press is our immune system.  If we overreact to everything we actually get sicker--and perhaps eczema.
And yet, with that being said, I feel good—strangely, calmly good.  Because the image of Americans that is reflected back to us by our political and media process is false.  It is us through a fun house mirror, and not the good kind that makes you look slim in the waist and maybe taller, but the kind where you have a giant forehead and an ass shaped like a month old pumpkin and one eyeball.
So, why would we work together?  Why would you reach across the aisle to a pumpkin assed forehead eyeball monster?  If the picture of us were true, of course, our inability to solve problems would actually be quite sane and reasonable.  Why would you work with Marxists actively subverting our Constitution or racists and homophobes who see no one’s humanity but their own?  We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is—on the brink of catastrophe—torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do.  We work together to get things done every damn day!
The only place we don’t is here or on cable TV.  But Americans don’t live here or on cable TV.  Where we live our values and principles form the foundations that sustains us while we get things done, not the barriers that prevent us from getting things done.  Most Americans don’t live their lives solely as Democrats, Republicans, liberals or conservatives.  Americans live their lives more as people that are just a little bit late for something they have to do—often something that they do not want to do—but they do it--impossible things every day that are only made possible by the little reasonable compromises that we all make.
Look on the screen. This is where we are. This is who we are.  (points to the Jumbotron screen which show traffic merging into a tunnel).  These cars—that’s a schoolteacher who probably thinks his taxes are too high.  He’s going to work.  There’s another car-a woman with two small kids who can’t really think about anything else right now.  There’s another car, swerving, I don’t even know if you can see it—the lady’s in the NRA and she loves Oprah.  There’s another car—an investment banker, gay, also likes Oprah.  Another car’s a Latino carpenter.  Another car a fundamentalist vacuum salesman.  Atheist obstetrician.  Mormon Jay-Z fan.  But this is us.  Every one of the cars that you see is filled with individuals of strong belief and principles they hold dear—often principles and beliefs in direct opposition to their fellow travelers.
And yet these millions of cars must somehow find a way to squeeze one by one into a mile long 30 foot wide tunnel carved underneath a mighty river.  Carved, by the way, by people who I’m sure had their differences.  And they do it.  Concession by conscession.  You go.  Then I’ll go.  You go. Then I’ll go.  You go then I’ll go. Oh my God, is that an NRA sticker on your car?  Is that an Obama sticker on your car? Well, that’s okay—you go and then I’ll go.
And sure, at some point there will be a selfish jerk who zips up the shoulder and cuts in at the last minute, but that individual is rare and he is scorned and not hired as an analyst.
Because we know instinctively as a people that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light we have to work together. And the truth is, there will always be darkness.  And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the promised land. Sometimes it’s just New Jersey.  But we do it anyway, together.
If you want to know why I’m here and want I want from you, I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me.  Your presence was what I wanted.
Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder.  To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine.  Thank you."

rambling woman

i have been trying to carve out a few minutes over the last few weeks to get some of these thoughts out of my head but i just haven't found time!  i honestly have nothing new to report.  i have been so busy with my new position at ucm and helping main street find a new director that i am meeting myself coming and going.  i still love the new position and could not be happier that i took that leap of faith.  i know i have said it before but i truly believe this job was sent to me.  one of our students with down syndrome performed at the ucm freshmen talent show this past week and it honestly moved me to tears.  the courage that it took for him to get up on that stage is so admirable and we could all learn something from it.  i really enjoy working with the students and feel like they are probably going to change me more than i am them.  some days i can't believe i get paid to do this.

for the first time since we left our last doctor's appointment i got online and looked at some of our possible egg donors.  i realized as soon as i opened the page and a wave of emotion came over me that i have probably shoved everything that is going on a little bit too far down.  i still feel that taking my new job was a nice way to force me to think about something else but i think in a way it has given me an excuse not to deal with everything that is going on.  i guess i am struggling with finding a balance.  i went from our infertility consuming every aspect of my life to not even breathing a word about it.  i am just kind of lost as to how to deal with it.  i don't want to talk about it anymore.  i can feel my chest tighten up when i feel like someone is going to ask me how things are going.  this is a very weird feeling for me.  as most of you know, i like to talk quite a lot.  i can see some of you smiling as i typed those words.  when we were going through our previous treatment i could not wait for the next procedure or appointment.  right now i find myself wishing time would stand still for a bit and january wouldn't come so quick.  i am trying my best to listen to my gut and what it says but i am finding even that difficult.  i do know, if i still feel like this come january there is no way i can proceed with treatment.  i keep having this image of josh and i pushing the stroller with our child and running into someone we know who asks us who we think our baby looks like.  typical question that i think most new parents get but it terrifies me.  what am i suppose to say?  that they look like josh or maybe jason and some woman out there whom i will never know?  it creeps me out.  ugh.

on a brighter note, i did like one of the donors quite a lot.  she has dark hair, dark eyes and i felt a strange connection with her as i read over her bio.  there was another gal that i liked as well but she misspelled like three different words and for some reason that really bothered me.  i guess i sort of feel like if she can't put more effort into her bio than that how seriously will she take the treatment?  maybe that is absurd but it really stood out to me. 

we should be getting results back from jason very soon and then i think we can truly decide how to proceed.  after all we have been through i can't help but worry about how that is going to go.  i would have never dreamt that they would not have been able to use cass.  we will know soon enough.  wow, i can't believe i started off by stating i have nothing new to report.  i have been rambling for several paragraphs now.  i will update when i have news from jason and an idea what's next.  until then...

organized chaos

well, i survived my first week at my new gig.  i am not going to lie, it is complete chaos right now but i absolutely love it.  in my previous case management experience i never had the chance to work with people with down syndrome so i was naturally a little nervous about the adjustment.  it sounds crazy (as do most of my thoughts), but these kids have changed my life in the span of one week.  they are the most positively amazing people on the planet.  their outlook on life is incredibly endearing.  i am even more amped up about this program now that i have started.  we are still working out a lot of the kinks but it is coming together quite nice.  we are one of only nine (or something close to that) programs like this in the u.s. and i feel so incredibly honored to be a part of it.  i felt strongly that this change would do me some good and i could not have been more right...which as we all know is usually the case:)  i have felt more like myself in the past 10 days than i have in the past 10 months.  don't get me wrong, i loved my job at main street but it was time for a change.

speaking of main street...we will begin interviews next week so hopefully i will have a replacement soon.  i am happy to help them out in the interim but i am seriously meeting myself coming and going!  the board is having a going-away party for me this thursday which i am very excited about.  it will be  nice to kick back and relax with the people i have worked with over the past four years as well as a few of my bffs who have continually supported me.  because several of my previous board members work at ucm i have the good fortune of continuing to work with them in the future.

so, as nervous as i was about putting the kibosh on the the baby makin' process, it was absolutely the best decision we could have made.  i have some time to get settled into my new job and then we can get back on track after the first of the year.  my new gig is not allowing me to think about much else which is just what i needed.

footloose and cancer free

i know i am way behind in my posting but i have honestly been meeting myself coming and going these past few weeks.  i looked for my phone for ten minutes the other day before i realized i was on it!  i did get word from my doctor that my biopsy results are good!  there are some dysplastic cells which apparently indicates change so they want to keep an eye on that area but the margins were free and clear and no sign of melanoma!  i feel like this in addition to getting my new job just might be the start of good things to come!

as far as baby makin' goes i have actually had a much easier time putting it out of my head than i thought i would.  it is probably due, in part, to the fact that i have been trying to wrap things up at main street while simultaneously trying to get prepared for my new gig.  i am so excited for this new adventure and just know it is going to be a great fit.  don't get me wrong, those lingering thoughts are still there but they are not consuming me the way they have over the past six months.  i actually feel somewhat normal...well normal for me anyway.  i did get on the website to look at the anonymous donors just to see what it was all about.  i feel less nervous about using an anonymous donor now that i see how much information they give us.  I haven't been back on the site since then, we don't need to begin choosing until november so i figure i will just drive myself nuts checking it everyday.

all in all, things are starting to look up.  i truly feel like this job was sent to me.  i think it will be just the self-esteem boost i need.  i think even the most confident person would have questions about their self-worth after the year that we have had.  tomorrow is my first day and i need to prepare so i am going to have to cut this short for now.  i will be sure to keep you informed as i go!