hurry up and wait...

"eventually all things fall into place. until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know that everything happens for a reason." -albert schweitzer

i have contacted reproductive resource center in overland park to try to get in to see dr. brabec. i called on tuesday and was informed that i needed to fill out a new patient packet before i could schedule an appointment. i downloaded the packet and had it faxed over to them within 24 hours. i, of course, called to confirm that they had received it and dr. brabec's nurse told me that it usually takes people two weeks to complete all the information and collect necessary documents! i guess that type a personality pays off every now and again! i was informed that they should be able to call me on monday to schedule and appointment! it usually takes 5 weeks so keep your fingers crossed that there is a cancellation and i can get in sooner!

josh and i went to the bookstore today and bought a couple of books on in vitro. both of the books encourage relying on eastern medicine as well as western. in most studies, acupuncture, meditation, yoga, visualization and even diet are believed to play a large role in successful pregnancies. i found a acupuncturist in kansas city that specializes in infertility that we are going to check out. the needles kind of scare me but considering i am going to have hormone injections in my tush for lord knows how long i figure a few more couldn't hurt! bottom line, josh and i both believe being of sound body and mind will only increase our chances. so, the jessica overhaul begins! i am not entirely sure but i think that is going to mean less miller light:) i am willing to make sacrifices but you will have to pry the bottle of vino from my cold dead hands.

i am a firm believer in not discussing politics, religion or money but the green is the obvious stressor in this situation. how are you not suppose to be stressed out about in vitro when aren't quite sure how to pay for in vitro? of course the insurance world doesn't recognize infertility as an issue which means they cover zilch. zero. nada. when i was doing case management, i once had a client convince her insurance company to pay for gastric bypass surgery, maybe we just haven't came up with the right way to spin it yet? i would be lying if i said it wasn't at the forefront of both of our minds but i know somehow we will work it out. if we have to wait until we can save the money than so be it. we have waited 3 years, what is a couple more?? in the meantime i am putting faith in the single powerball ticket i have purchased for tonights drawing.

i have posted a few links below to a couple of articles on the doctor we are trying to get an appointment with. i suggest you read them carefully, there will be a test. i asked josh to read them, which he did so willingly. i asked him afterwards what he thought to which he responded "dr. brabec is hot." see what i am working with here:)

http://www.rrc.com/pdf/RRC_EnhanceMagazine.pdf

http://www.rrc.com/pdf/DrBrabecHerLifeArticle_June09.pdf

i will update as soon as i get my appointment scheduled which should be the first part of this week!

ketchup

good news. finally. josh and i have decided to create a blog to keep everyone involved in what has been and will be going on in our lives. and by "josh and i," i of course mean josh gave me permission to put our lives out there, the good, the bad and the ugly, and i will be the one entering information. that is good news for anyone who is actually interested in keeping up with our lives because if you would be relying on him to get on a computer i am afraid you would be disappointed.

i have several reasons for wanting to do this. the obvious, to keep everyone informed and up to date with our journey to babydom and the other is to utilize it as an avenue to get thoughts/feelings/emotions out of my head. Why let everyone else into my thoughts you might ask? I have seriously questioned it myself. but, it was very helpful for me to read blogs of actual couples struggling with infertility rather than read medical journal after medical journal, which i never did, of course. so, we are putting our story out there. launching every sorted detail into cyberspace.

for those of you less familiar with our situation, let me catch you up. josh and i were married on june 3rd, 2007 and have been actively (sorry mom) trying to have a baby since that very day. as most of you know, it is now 2010 and we are still without child. around thanksgiving of 2009 we decided to have josh tested and found out that he has azoospermia which loosely translated

means there are either no swimmers in the creek or there are swimmers but they can't make it to the creek. we made an appointment with dr. elkins at kansas city urology for a consultation in december of 2009. as soon as we left the appointment we were notified of the untimely death of josh's father, dusty. for anyone who has lost a loved one, especially a parent i don't have to tell you how utterly miserable this was. dusty was a wonderful man for many different reasons that i don't need to state on this blog, and he will be missed every day for the rest of our lives. josh and i feel like he is here with us every day and know he will be there with us when we finally get our first child in whatever form that comes. he would have been a wonderful grandfather and will be greatly missed.

in the middle of december we received notice from our primary care physician. dr. long, that she had referred us to a wonderful doctor at ku med, dr. nangia. josh and i instantly loved him from our first visit. he is a wonderful representation of what a doctor should be...honest, empathetic, compassionate...you get the idea. Dr. Nangia completed the same test that dr. long had completed to verify the azoospermia. the results were the same. we were informed that this could mean two things, either he was not producing or the swimmers couldn't find their way to the creek. dr. nangia scheduled a testicular biopsy for january 25, 2010 which seemed like light years away.

the big day. this one was for all the marbles. josh and i woke up early to go to kc for his appointment at noon so we could have a nice breakfast together, which we did. while our nerves were out of control we did an excellent job of remaining calm for one another. we arrived at ku med at 11:45 and they took him back at noon sharp. i am telling you, this place is fantastic. after an hour and a half and countless trips to the bathroom because i felt like i was going to get sick, dr. nangia finally called my name. although i had been positive all morning, as we walked back to the room the silence told me it was not good news. boy was i wrong! dr. nangia informed me that josh has swimmers, lots of them, they are just lost. as josh would put it, he has spunk in his junk! because josh was still recovering from surgery dr. nangia spoke with me about our options. one, we could do a procedure that consists of them inserting dye to show where the blockage is and then go in and try to fix it or we could begin the process of in vitro fertilization. because josh had double hernia surgery in 2008, if the blockage is behind where the procedure took place they would not be able to fix it and the chances of them fixing it anyway are so slim we have decided to proceed with in vitro.

believe me, we know the many things that come to mind when we say the words in vitro fertilization. but the fact is we have one of the best facilities right here in our back yard, overland park. who knew? they have one of the highest live birth rates with the lowest multiple rates around. there is an increased risk of twins but that is what i have always wanted anyway! is this the way we would have planned on having a baby. absolutely not. but if there is one lesson i have learned through all of this it is you cannot plan everything. this is a chance for josh and i to have a baby of our own and we are taking it. jumping in with both feet. of course there is a chance that this route will not work out either and we will have to explore other options. but, if there is one thing i know with 100% certainty it is that when all of this is over we will have a baby. no doubt.

one more thing, i should probably mention for all of you men out there that are still green from the term "testicular biopsy," that josh is recovering very well. it was incredibly brave for him to do that and i know there are a lot of men that would have said no way in hell. it is because of the strength i find in him that i am able to get through this. baby or no baby, he is the man for me.