well, i survived my first week at my new gig. i am not going to lie, it is complete chaos right now but i absolutely love it. in my previous case management experience i never had the chance to work with people with down syndrome so i was naturally a little nervous about the adjustment. it sounds crazy (as do most of my thoughts), but these kids have changed my life in the span of one week. they are the most positively amazing people on the planet. their outlook on life is incredibly endearing. i am even more amped up about this program now that i have started. we are still working out a lot of the kinks but it is coming together quite nice. we are one of only nine (or something close to that) programs like this in the u.s. and i feel so incredibly honored to be a part of it. i felt strongly that this change would do me some good and i could not have been more right...which as we all know is usually the case:) i have felt more like myself in the past 10 days than i have in the past 10 months. don't get me wrong, i loved my job at main street but it was time for a change.
speaking of main street...we will begin interviews next week so hopefully i will have a replacement soon. i am happy to help them out in the interim but i am seriously meeting myself coming and going! the board is having a going-away party for me this thursday which i am very excited about. it will be nice to kick back and relax with the people i have worked with over the past four years as well as a few of my bffs who have continually supported me. because several of my previous board members work at ucm i have the good fortune of continuing to work with them in the future.
so, as nervous as i was about putting the kibosh on the the baby makin' process, it was absolutely the best decision we could have made. i have some time to get settled into my new job and then we can get back on track after the first of the year. my new gig is not allowing me to think about much else which is just what i needed.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
footloose and cancer free
i know i am way behind in my posting but i have honestly been meeting myself coming and going these past few weeks. i looked for my phone for ten minutes the other day before i realized i was on it! i did get word from my doctor that my biopsy results are good! there are some dysplastic cells which apparently indicates change so they want to keep an eye on that area but the margins were free and clear and no sign of melanoma! i feel like this in addition to getting my new job just might be the start of good things to come!
as far as baby makin' goes i have actually had a much easier time putting it out of my head than i thought i would. it is probably due, in part, to the fact that i have been trying to wrap things up at main street while simultaneously trying to get prepared for my new gig. i am so excited for this new adventure and just know it is going to be a great fit. don't get me wrong, those lingering thoughts are still there but they are not consuming me the way they have over the past six months. i actually feel somewhat normal...well normal for me anyway. i did get on the website to look at the anonymous donors just to see what it was all about. i feel less nervous about using an anonymous donor now that i see how much information they give us. I haven't been back on the site since then, we don't need to begin choosing until november so i figure i will just drive myself nuts checking it everyday.
all in all, things are starting to look up. i truly feel like this job was sent to me. i think it will be just the self-esteem boost i need. i think even the most confident person would have questions about their self-worth after the year that we have had. tomorrow is my first day and i need to prepare so i am going to have to cut this short for now. i will be sure to keep you informed as i go!
as far as baby makin' goes i have actually had a much easier time putting it out of my head than i thought i would. it is probably due, in part, to the fact that i have been trying to wrap things up at main street while simultaneously trying to get prepared for my new gig. i am so excited for this new adventure and just know it is going to be a great fit. don't get me wrong, those lingering thoughts are still there but they are not consuming me the way they have over the past six months. i actually feel somewhat normal...well normal for me anyway. i did get on the website to look at the anonymous donors just to see what it was all about. i feel less nervous about using an anonymous donor now that i see how much information they give us. I haven't been back on the site since then, we don't need to begin choosing until november so i figure i will just drive myself nuts checking it everyday.
all in all, things are starting to look up. i truly feel like this job was sent to me. i think it will be just the self-esteem boost i need. i think even the most confident person would have questions about their self-worth after the year that we have had. tomorrow is my first day and i need to prepare so i am going to have to cut this short for now. i will be sure to keep you informed as i go!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
ch-ch-ch-changes
i am happy to report that i have some good news to share although not baby related. several weeks ago i heard about a job opening for a thrive (transformation, health, responsibility, independence, vocation, education) caseworker position at ucm. while i was not looking for a new job i felt i had to at the very least apply as psychology and social work are my first passion. to my surprise, i applied, interviewed and was offered the position late last week. it was definitely a bittersweet decision as i have loved working for main street the past four years but it felt right in my gut so i decided to go for it. i will be working with twelve students that have some sort of emotional or intellectual disability that are seeking a post-secondary education. it is a brand new program on campus so i will have the pleasure (and pain) of helping mold its structure. not only will i have excellent benefits, but i can go back and get my masters degree for free...and the most important thing to note is that it is an august-may position! that's right, summers off! its okay to be jealous. since josh and i have decided to take a vacation from ivf this will be the perfect thing to distract me.
speaking of taking a break from ivf, josh and i went to rrc today to meet with marge for an anonymous donor consultation. i had never followed up with marge since she called to tell me the news about cass so i decided yesterday i better do so. she at that time informed me that if we want to proceed with an anonymous donor in the future we will have to have another consultation as it is different than using a known donor. i wanted to get in before i start the new job in a couple of weeks and lucky for us they had an opening today. basically everything is the same except we would use an anonymous donor instead of my sister. it is kind of weird really, she gave us a password to get on their website to look at potential donors. in addition to a photograph, it tells their physical features, interests, psychosocial information, family history, health history and much more. so, you pick your donor and then rrc tries to coordinate cycles and so forth. crazy stuff.
although we have decided to proceed with an anonymous donor we are still going to take a break before beginning another cycle. every bone in my body is telling me to take a break. i used to get excited about going to rrc because i viewed each visit as being one step closer to a baby, now when i go i get a stomach ache from the anxiety and today dissolved into tears five seconds into the appointment. seriously, before marge barely uttered two words. yes, i think a break is much needed. we plan to start after the first of the year. i feel like i need at least a couple of months to prepare and i want to avoid the holiday season so january seems like the best bet. the holidays are stressful enough and with the anniversary of dusty's death I think it will be an extra difficult year. so new year, new start it is.
josh and i discussed looking into adoption in the mean time which last week seemed like a good idea but after today's visit i think i need to take things one step at a time. there is so much stress dealing with ivf, i don't think throwing more irons on the fire at this point is a good idea. before i was on the fence, but after today's appointment i am positive i need to wait. plus, if i am being honest, i think a part of me feels like proceeding with adoption is claiming defeat. if we get a great egg donor who produces a lot of eggs it could result in multiple pregnancies as we could freeze additional embryos for future use. plus, i am still keeping my fingers crossed for those twins:)
we had another little health scare last week but i don't look for it to result in anything negative. i swear, if i didn't know what i am saying is true i might honestly question its validity. most of you know that almost three years ago i was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. i was very fortunate that it was detected early and they were able to remove it with not radiation or chemotherapy. i was able to walk away with only one heck of a battle wound on my left shoulder and a love-hate relationship with the sun. since then, i have been very religious about going back in every six months for my recommended check-ups and bathing in sunscreen on a daily basis. i went in last week for my routine exam and for the first time since my surgery they found a mole that looked suspicious. did i really just say suspicious mole? they felt it had changed since my previous visit and they would rather be safe than sorry. they removed it for biopsy and i should have my results back this week. i am sure they are just playing it safe and everything will be fine but man am i anxious for those results!
so, other than that, nothing is new really. i would be lying if i said i haven't been in quite a funk lately but i think this new job is going to be a fresh start. its like i am in a constant state of sadness with little bursts of joy throughout. you know those bumper-stickers that say "zero to bitch in 60 seconds," that is pretty much my constant state of mind. i will be skipping along, going about my day, and bam, even the smallest thing will send me into orbit. hopefully this new challenge will increase my self-esteem and give me something to focus on other than babies! while in the waiting room at rrc today i noticed a flyer for a support group that meets regularly and thought about checking it out. i consider myself very lucky to have the friends and family i do but it would be nice to talk to a group that know exactly what i am experiencing. i have noticed myself becoming frustrated with people complaining about their trials and tribulations and that is not who i am although it may be what i am feeling currently. in my mind i know that we all have things going on in our lives that can seem overwhelming at times and my issues are no worse than the next persons. this is life, it is not easy. as my good friend kristy would say...put your big girl panties on and deal with it.
speaking of taking a break from ivf, josh and i went to rrc today to meet with marge for an anonymous donor consultation. i had never followed up with marge since she called to tell me the news about cass so i decided yesterday i better do so. she at that time informed me that if we want to proceed with an anonymous donor in the future we will have to have another consultation as it is different than using a known donor. i wanted to get in before i start the new job in a couple of weeks and lucky for us they had an opening today. basically everything is the same except we would use an anonymous donor instead of my sister. it is kind of weird really, she gave us a password to get on their website to look at potential donors. in addition to a photograph, it tells their physical features, interests, psychosocial information, family history, health history and much more. so, you pick your donor and then rrc tries to coordinate cycles and so forth. crazy stuff.
although we have decided to proceed with an anonymous donor we are still going to take a break before beginning another cycle. every bone in my body is telling me to take a break. i used to get excited about going to rrc because i viewed each visit as being one step closer to a baby, now when i go i get a stomach ache from the anxiety and today dissolved into tears five seconds into the appointment. seriously, before marge barely uttered two words. yes, i think a break is much needed. we plan to start after the first of the year. i feel like i need at least a couple of months to prepare and i want to avoid the holiday season so january seems like the best bet. the holidays are stressful enough and with the anniversary of dusty's death I think it will be an extra difficult year. so new year, new start it is.
josh and i discussed looking into adoption in the mean time which last week seemed like a good idea but after today's visit i think i need to take things one step at a time. there is so much stress dealing with ivf, i don't think throwing more irons on the fire at this point is a good idea. before i was on the fence, but after today's appointment i am positive i need to wait. plus, if i am being honest, i think a part of me feels like proceeding with adoption is claiming defeat. if we get a great egg donor who produces a lot of eggs it could result in multiple pregnancies as we could freeze additional embryos for future use. plus, i am still keeping my fingers crossed for those twins:)
we had another little health scare last week but i don't look for it to result in anything negative. i swear, if i didn't know what i am saying is true i might honestly question its validity. most of you know that almost three years ago i was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. i was very fortunate that it was detected early and they were able to remove it with not radiation or chemotherapy. i was able to walk away with only one heck of a battle wound on my left shoulder and a love-hate relationship with the sun. since then, i have been very religious about going back in every six months for my recommended check-ups and bathing in sunscreen on a daily basis. i went in last week for my routine exam and for the first time since my surgery they found a mole that looked suspicious. did i really just say suspicious mole? they felt it had changed since my previous visit and they would rather be safe than sorry. they removed it for biopsy and i should have my results back this week. i am sure they are just playing it safe and everything will be fine but man am i anxious for those results!
so, other than that, nothing is new really. i would be lying if i said i haven't been in quite a funk lately but i think this new job is going to be a fresh start. its like i am in a constant state of sadness with little bursts of joy throughout. you know those bumper-stickers that say "zero to bitch in 60 seconds," that is pretty much my constant state of mind. i will be skipping along, going about my day, and bam, even the smallest thing will send me into orbit. hopefully this new challenge will increase my self-esteem and give me something to focus on other than babies! while in the waiting room at rrc today i noticed a flyer for a support group that meets regularly and thought about checking it out. i consider myself very lucky to have the friends and family i do but it would be nice to talk to a group that know exactly what i am experiencing. i have noticed myself becoming frustrated with people complaining about their trials and tribulations and that is not who i am although it may be what i am feeling currently. in my mind i know that we all have things going on in our lives that can seem overwhelming at times and my issues are no worse than the next persons. this is life, it is not easy. as my good friend kristy would say...put your big girl panties on and deal with it.
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