ch-ch-ch-changes

i am happy to report that i have some good news to share although not baby related.  several weeks ago i heard about a job opening for a thrive (transformation, health, responsibility, independence, vocation, education) caseworker position at ucm.  while i was not looking for a new job i felt i had to at the very least apply as psychology and social work are my first passion.  to my surprise, i applied, interviewed and was offered the position late last week.  it was definitely a bittersweet decision as i have loved working for main street the past four years but it felt right in my gut so i decided to go for it.  i will be working with twelve students that have some sort of emotional or intellectual disability that are seeking a post-secondary education.  it is a brand new program on campus so i will have the pleasure (and pain) of helping mold its structure.  not only will i have excellent benefits, but i can go back and get my masters degree for free...and the most important thing to note is that it is an august-may position!  that's right, summers off!  its okay to be jealous.  since josh and i have decided to take a vacation from ivf this will be the perfect thing to distract me.

speaking of taking a break from ivf, josh and i went to rrc today to meet with marge for an anonymous donor consultation. i had never followed up with marge since she called to tell me the news about cass so i decided yesterday i better do so.  she at that time informed me that if we want to proceed with an anonymous donor in the future we will have to have another consultation as it is different than using a known donor.  i wanted to get in before i start the new job in a couple of weeks and lucky for us they had an opening today.  basically everything is the same except we would use an anonymous donor instead of my sister.  it is kind of weird really, she gave us a password to get on their website to look at potential donors.  in addition to a photograph, it tells their physical features, interests, psychosocial information, family history, health history and much more.  so, you pick your donor and then rrc tries to coordinate cycles and so forth.  crazy stuff.

although we have decided to proceed with an anonymous donor we are still going to take a break before beginning another cycle.  every bone in my body is telling me to take a break.  i used to get excited about going to rrc because i viewed each visit as being one step closer to a baby, now when i go i get a stomach ache from the anxiety and today dissolved into tears five seconds into the appointment.  seriously, before marge barely uttered two words.  yes, i think a break is much needed.  we plan to start after the first of the year.  i feel like i need at least a couple of months to prepare and i want to avoid the holiday season so january seems like the best bet.  the holidays are stressful enough and with the anniversary of dusty's death I think it will be an extra difficult year.  so new year, new start it is.

josh and i discussed looking into adoption in the mean time which last week seemed like a good idea but after today's visit i think i need to take things one step at a time.  there is so much stress dealing with ivf, i don't think throwing more irons on the fire at this point is a good idea.  before i was on the fence, but after today's appointment i am positive i need to wait.  plus, if i am being honest, i think a part of me feels like proceeding with adoption is claiming defeat.  if we get a great egg donor who produces a lot of eggs it could result in multiple pregnancies as we could freeze additional embryos for future use.  plus, i am still keeping my fingers crossed for those twins:)

we had another little health scare last week but i don't look for it to result in anything negative.  i swear, if i didn't know what i am saying is true i might honestly question its validity.  most of you know that almost three years ago i was diagnosed with malignant melanoma.  i was very fortunate that it was detected early and they were able to remove it with not radiation or chemotherapy.  i was able to walk away with only one heck of a battle wound on my left shoulder and a love-hate relationship with the sun.  since then, i have been very religious about going back in every six months for my recommended check-ups and bathing in sunscreen on a daily basis.  i went in last week for my routine exam and for the first time since my surgery they found a mole that looked suspicious.  did i really just say suspicious mole?  they felt it had changed since my previous visit and they would rather be safe than sorry.  they removed it for biopsy and i should have my results back this week.  i am sure they are just playing it safe and everything will be fine but man am i anxious for those results!

so, other than that, nothing is new really.  i would be lying if i said i haven't been in quite a funk lately but i think this new job is going to be a fresh start.  its like i am in a constant state of sadness with little bursts of joy throughout.  you know those bumper-stickers that say "zero to bitch in 60 seconds," that is pretty much my constant state of mind.  i will be skipping along, going about my day, and bam, even the smallest thing will send me into orbit.  hopefully this new challenge will increase my self-esteem and give me something to focus on other than babies!  while in the waiting room at rrc today i noticed a flyer for a support group that meets regularly and thought about checking it out.  i consider myself very lucky to have the friends and family i do but it would be nice to talk to a group that know exactly what i am experiencing.  i have noticed myself becoming frustrated with people complaining about their trials and tribulations and that is not who i am although it may be what i am feeling currently.  in my mind i know that we all have things going on in our lives that can seem overwhelming at times and my issues are no worse than the next persons.  this is life, it is not easy.  as my good friend kristy would say...put your big girl panties on and deal with it.