so close, yet so far away...

another appointment down.  i went in this morning for another blood draw and scan, i think i could drive to overland park with my eyes closed at this point.  my scan was to check and see how many follicles there are resting on my ovaries.  remember, the follicles produce eggs.  i was pleased to learn i have an average amount of follicles at this time.  although i only have 5 on the side with the smaller ovary, i have 11 on the other side.  even though i have a decent number of follicles, they are growing at a fairly slow rate which means my egg retrieval might be next friday or saturday instead of thursday.  if egg retrieval is on friday implantation will be on the following wednesday, if it is on saturday implantation will be the following thursday.  i should know more next tuesday when i go in for another blood draw and scan.  my estradiol was 694 which brandi said is perfect!

i took maddox to mornings with mom today because cassidy had clinicals.  it was a nice reminder of why we are going through all of this.  i look at maddox and zoe and can't possibly imagine how you could love anything more.  i think being a parent, while the most challenging job ever, has to be the most rewarding.  i can't wait until our little ones are here, maddox, zoe and rayna will be fabulous role models.

 overall, i am feeling very good, better than i could have ever imagined.  i have surprised myself with how well i have been able to handle all of this. the hormone shots have been going very well and will soon be over.  i must say this whole process has been going by a lot quicker than i had anticipated but i am so ready to do this!  i was hoping they would be moving my appointment up rather than back...oh well, it will be here in no time at all.  i will be sure to post an update after our appointment on tuesday!

tuesday's gone

i received a call this afternoon from our ivf coordinator notifying us that my estradiol level is good!  they like it to be above 50 and it is an 84.  growing eggs make estrogen and this level is and indicator of such.  this is a huge relief because had my estradiol level been low they could have possibly canceled this ivf cycle and started over with a new protocol.  i am not certain but i think that would have felt similar to getting hit by a train at this point.  so, as for now, we continue on with our original schedule.  although, for the amount of times "tentatively" is used on there i like to think of it as more of a guideline.  with that said, my egg retrieval and josh't biopsy are both scheduled for next thursday, may 6th.  tentatively.  give or take a day.  seriously, this lack of being able to plan is a challenge to my very being.  i am not exactly a go-with-the-flow type of person but i am hanging in there.

other than that, all is well.  had another acupuncture session last night that was wonderful.  for the first time, she had me lay on my stomach and put needles all down my back.  i fell so sound asleep i think i began to drool.  i go back thursday evening for another acupuncture session and then have another blood draw and ultrasound friday morning.  for now i continue the current shots and medications i am taking with no changes.  cassidy had the privilege of giving me my shots last night and this morning because i stayed at my mom's last night which i imagine was a nice vacation for josh.  we are keeping our fingers crossed for friday, hoping this lucky streak continues.

shots on me

i can't say that i haven't had this many shots in one weekend before but I can say the ones i am used to are much more fun:)  josh gave me my lupron shots at 7am and 7 pm on friday and saturday.  lupron is a subcutaneous injection used to aid ovarian suppression and prevent ovulation.  in addition to the lupron, i began hcg and gonal injections this morning so from here on i will have two injections in the morning and one at night.  fortunately, we are allowed to combine the lupron and hcg so i don't have to have three in the morning. the hcg is a hormone that aids in egg development and the gonal is used to stimulate the growth of follicles in the ovary. overall it has gone very well.  josh, as it turns out, is a terrific doctor.  it's not like i don't feel the shots going in but it is more uncomfortable than painful.  i did start feeling some side-effects quite a bit sooner than i anticipated, like about two hours after my first shot on friday.  it is really hard to explain what it feels like, my whole body just feels kind of heavy if that makes any sense.  i wouldn't say they are making me irritable but i definitely feel more emotional, like wanting to cry for no reason.  i have decided it is probably better to succumb to these urges rather than try to hold back the waterworks so that is what i have been doing.  god bless my husband.  i am not feeling any different today after adding the two additional shots this morning but it was just now two hours ago when i got them.

we received a call from rrc on friday requesting that we allow them to do a test thaw on one vile of josh's sperm which we agreed to.  they called us back several hours later to inform us that they would like to use fresh sperm on the day of egg retrieval which means josh will have to undergo another biopsy.  the reason they would like to do so is because of the poor motility of josh's sperm.  because they lose half of the sperm in the thaw and they aren't particularly swimmers it is hard for them to tell if they are dead or just not moving.  i spoke with the scientific director who feels this would greatly increase our chances so we, of course, agreed.  right now, both procedures (egg retrieval and testicular biopsy) are scheduled for may 6th but that could easily change at this point in the game.  we will both arrive at rrc at the same time, they will take me to the hospital because i have to be put under anesthesia for egg retrieval and josh to the clinic (the hospital is connected to the clinic) because he will undergo his biopsy under local anesthesia.  once i am asleep, fluid from the ovarian follicles will be suctioned through a needle using transvaginal ultrasound guidance.  the eggs come out with the fluid.  the follicular fluid will immediately be examined in the ivf lab, and the eggs will be counted and placed in culture dishes.  the physician will tell us the number of eggs retrieved before we leave the hospital.  after they complete josh's biopsy, the embryologists will attempt to fertilize all mature eggs and they will call us that afternoon to let us know how many embryos we have.  unfortunately, not all embryos will survive.  they will call us everyday until our scheduled implantation (about five days later) with an embryo count.

in the meantime, i have been doing everything i know how to prepare my body for everything it is being put through.  we have been eating very healthy, mostly organic, and i have been juicing everyday.  i made an excellent one this morning with cucumber, wheat grass, ginger, apple, banana, beet, and swiss chard that was really good.  believe me, i too was skeptical at first but it really is delicious.  i have read a lot of information that states that maintaining a healthy diet as i am doing can help thicken the uterine lining which increases our chances of a successful implantation.  i am continuing with acupuncture which has also proved to be very relaxing.  at our last session, she put an ultraviolet light over my abdomen that is suppose to help stimulate blood flow which can also help the uterine lining.  it has been almost three weeks without caffeine and no one has lost their life which i think is a huge testament to my strength.  more than anything, it has been nice to have so many wonderful friends and family reach out and offer their support.  especially over this past weekend, to have people who i know are very busy themselves find time in their busy lives to call, email, text, drop by to check in on us has been wonderful.  we truly feel very loved and blessed to be surrounded by so many thoughtful people.

i have another acupuncture appointment monday evening after work and then my blood draw first thing tuesday morning.  although i do feel some anxiety about the results on tuesday because they will determine where we go from here, i am remaining positive.  i will try to post tuesday evening as soon as i get the results. prayers, positive thoughts, voo doo, black magic, hocus pocus, magic spells all welcome.

walking pin cushion, continued

it turns out i spoke a bit too soon this afternoon.  while i don't have bad news necessarily i did take a look at the fine print when i got home and noticed a statement regarding my blood draw next tuesday that reads "today's blood test is to check estradiol, which is produced by the growing follicles (eggs).  if you are not making enough estradiol, that means you are not making enough eggs for ivf and your cycle could be cancelled at this point."  i did not get to meet with my usual ivf coordinator, brandi, this morning so i emailed her to ask her what all of this meant.  she said my estradiol was fine today, they want it low, meaning my ovaries are not making any eggs yet.  by next week they would like it to start going up (the growing eggs make estrogen).  if it is really low on tuesday, it may be best to stop right then and start over with a new protocol.  she says i should "probably be a little concerned but not overly so."  i had my momentary breakdown and now i choose to believe everything will be fine next week.  i will just keep reminding myself of the power in positive thinking i am always preaching to everyone else about.

this is only funny now that it is over and done with, but in the midst of brandi and i emailing back and forth all of the information above the mail-order pharmacy called for our payment.  the two injections this morning that i was able to pick up at the hospital pharmacy were $150, not too shabby.  i knew that the mail-order one was going to be the most expensive so i was preparing myself for the worst thinking $500 tops.  no such luck, they cost $1500...and that only lasts until next tuesday when i have to call in for more when they determine if the dose should go up or down!  i seriously almost threw up.  insanity.

walking pin cushion

pretty good news today at the doctor.  my ovaries were suppressed and "quiet" as the doctors like to say.  they actually had trouble finding the one ovary that is quite a bit smaller than the other which of course concerns me but they assured me it is nothing to worry about at this time so i am choosing not to.  i will officially begin hormones this friday, i thought i better give everyone a heads up.  i have three in the morning and one at night.  i am going to be like a walking pin cushion.  scratch that.  i am going to be like a crazy walking pin cushion.  josh and i have to watch a video on how to do it beforehand so hopefully we will get it right.  i asked the nurse if it was pretty hard to screw up and she just laughed.  i am taking that as a good sign.

i continue all of my other oral meds for the time being except the birth control which i take my last dose of this evening.  as far as my calender goes it looks like i am going to be spending even more time in overland park.  some days i have to drive up there just to get my blood drawn.  i am going to try to schedule acupuncture appointments on those days with hopes of killing two birds with one stone.  i was actually surprised to learn they did not have a problem with me going in for acupuncture immediately after implantation.  they said as long as they don't have me doing jumping jacks in the waiting room i will be fine.  we all know i try to stay away from places that encourage jumping jacks.  i haven't decided 100% if i am going to do it or not.  i feel like i really need to think this through.  plus, i would like to go back a couple of times to see if i have the same experience.

anywho, i will be sure to post after my first injections.  i imagine it will be quite a story.  if my posts from here on out get a little crazy, or shall i say crazier, it is out of my hands.

on pins and needles

just got back from my acupuncture appointment and it was amazing!  i really enjoyed shamayne, my acupuncturist, and the procedure was actually quite relaxing.  she began by checking different pulse points and doing an examination of my tongue.  apparently, there is some indication in regards to my spleen, kidneys, and liver that she believes are signs of worry and poor diet.  sounds about right.  although, i have been doing a lot better with my diet as of late.  i even juiced several times over the weekend for extra nutrients.  the needles did not hurt at all, i couldn't feel her put them in or take them out which is beyond my comprehension.  she said she would like me to come in immediately after they implant the embryos but i will have to wait and see what dr. brabec has to say about that...otherwise, she would like to see me at least once a week until then.  that should not be a a problem considering i will be in overland park about 3 times a week anyway. fortunately, the two offices are about 5 minutes apart.

that's all for now.  my suppression appointment is tomorrow morning at 10:00, i will let everyone know how it goes!  until then, lets hope for good news!

precious cargo

i don't know why i find this so humorous but i actually had to go pick up josh's sperm today and deliver it to rrc. it was seriously hysterical.  i, of course, had to get pictures of it and could not wait to post.  hope you enjoy as much as josh and i do.

hellraiser

head full of doubt


there's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
in the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
and it comes in black and it comes in white
and I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

when nothing is owed or deserved or expected
and your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
if you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
decide what to be and go be it

there was a dream and one day I could see it
like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
and there was a kid with a head full of doubt
so I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out


wow, the avett brothers really do say it best.  i have always been someone who feels like music is an escape, a sort of quiet retreat away from all of the craziness of day to day life.  i have created an itunes playlist titled "baby makin' music" with some of my favorite uplifting songs to listen to on my countless drives to overland park.  it is quite a collection, with everything from joe cocker to wilson philllips.  that's right, wilson phillips, i dare you to find me one girl who was anywhere near a radio in the early 90s that did not sing hold on at the top of her lungs. (shout out to my girls betsy and emily)  I would be willing to bet there are many young boys who did so as well although they are probably unlikely to admit it. ( shot out to my boy dan)  i even have a miley cyrus song on there, it's sad to say but the climb brings me to tears every time.  josh giggles like a school boy and says "i can't believe you are listening to hannah montana"  but I swear one day i saw him wipe a tear away:)


i had a change of heart on the idea of acupuncture.  if you remember, the doctor was pretty neutral on the subject.  the only thing she advised against was taking any kind of chinese herbs. so i figure, what the heck?  let's give it a whirl.  if it increases our chances by 1% than we are that much closer.  I have an appointment with shamayne tate in shawnee mission monday evening and will try to post afterwards.  i am sure you will all be waiting on pins and needles to hear from me:)


in my last post i mentioned needing a book title for my book i will likely never get around to writing.  i so far only have one suggestion but i have to say it should be hard to top.  justin ward, or "j dub" as he is so affectionately referred to, came up with eggs.  over easy please.  enough said.

inconceivable

ok, we just signed about 75 pages of documents we are required to turn in at my suppression appointment next week and now my head is completely spinning.  we actually had to fill out forms stating who shall inherit any leftover embryos we may have if one of us dies or files for divorce.  our options are to either let them thaw out, keep them frozen , donate to an individual/couple or donate to science for embryonic stem cells.  seriously, don't we have enough to think about without having to make these tough decisions??  it was easy to rule out thawing them out because it just seems like such a waste and while we will keep them frozen until we decide we don't want to go through this procedure again or do not want any more children (remember we are having twins:) it doesn't make sense to keep them frozen forever, not to mention it costs about $700 per year.  so donation is the obvious choice, but to what?  after going through this, it is a nice to think of helping another couple that is struggling to create their own embryos and at first blush seemed like the obvious choice.  then i got to thinking about it and it seems kind of weird that someone would be carrying our baby.  it is much different than being a sperm or egg donor, that baby would carry all of our dna.  so, i began doing some research on embryonic stem cells.  listen, the last thing i want to do is engage in any sort of political or religious debate so i am just going to state some of the info i found.  much of it i am sure could be picked apart, debated, argued, and so on but i am dealing with my situation at hand and that is it.  apparently, embryonic stem cells are the most valuable because they are pure.  whereas, if they were to take stem cells from josh or i they would be clouded with years of very fun, fearless, harm inflicted upon ourselves.  a friend of my sister was in an accident and paralyzed from the neck down years ago which left him wheelchair bound.  he has made multiple trips to india where they have injected stem cells around his spine and for the first time in years he is taking steps and has some sensation is his back.  i think it would be very nice to help someone in a similar situation.  of course, there is also the possibility that we will not have to address this situation at all should there be no embryos left over after our procedure.  it is so much to think about...and i have been looking online at all different view points which is quite overwhelming.  the thing is, until you have sat here in the position that josh and i are in you can't really say for sure how you would feel or what you would do.  we just need to make a decision that josh and i can live with and allows us both to sleep at night and know that the people who love us most will respect our decision even if they should disagree with it.

things are going pretty well otherwise.  we found out this week that ku med does not transfer the sperm to rrc for us and we have to go pick it up and take it there ourselves.  josh and i both find this to be quite hilarious and will definitely be posting pics of that road trip:)  josh does not have hiv, hepatitis, or any other infectious diseases which is always reassuring.  i would say for the most part we are in very high spirits.  i began one of my new medications, dexamethasome, that josh and i both will agree has left me a little bit on edge.  i am sure it is a combination of the meds and the nervousness of the more aggressive treatment nearing.  for the record, i find the edginess tolerable but josh might have a different point of view:)

our suppression appointment is next tuesday, april 20th.  again, if my ovaries are adequately suppressed than we will be given our next phase of protocol which will likely include beginning hormone injections.  i will be sure to post as soon as i can following that appointment.

one more thing, some of you know that i have tossed around the idea of writing a book about this whole experience.  sort of a no-nonsense tale of what it is like to face all of these different decisions.  i was so proud of myself when in the middle of one of my sleepless nights i had the brilliant idea to title it inconceivable.  genius, huh?  if i do say so myself.  unfortunately, someone beat me to it.  bummer.  i am pretty sure the author is not any more brilliant than I , she just beat me to the punch:)  anyway, those of you that know me best know it would likely never happen anyway.  just another one of my hair brain ideas.  when exactly would i have time to do so anyway??  i am going to be raising twins...