inconceivable

ok, we just signed about 75 pages of documents we are required to turn in at my suppression appointment next week and now my head is completely spinning.  we actually had to fill out forms stating who shall inherit any leftover embryos we may have if one of us dies or files for divorce.  our options are to either let them thaw out, keep them frozen , donate to an individual/couple or donate to science for embryonic stem cells.  seriously, don't we have enough to think about without having to make these tough decisions??  it was easy to rule out thawing them out because it just seems like such a waste and while we will keep them frozen until we decide we don't want to go through this procedure again or do not want any more children (remember we are having twins:) it doesn't make sense to keep them frozen forever, not to mention it costs about $700 per year.  so donation is the obvious choice, but to what?  after going through this, it is a nice to think of helping another couple that is struggling to create their own embryos and at first blush seemed like the obvious choice.  then i got to thinking about it and it seems kind of weird that someone would be carrying our baby.  it is much different than being a sperm or egg donor, that baby would carry all of our dna.  so, i began doing some research on embryonic stem cells.  listen, the last thing i want to do is engage in any sort of political or religious debate so i am just going to state some of the info i found.  much of it i am sure could be picked apart, debated, argued, and so on but i am dealing with my situation at hand and that is it.  apparently, embryonic stem cells are the most valuable because they are pure.  whereas, if they were to take stem cells from josh or i they would be clouded with years of very fun, fearless, harm inflicted upon ourselves.  a friend of my sister was in an accident and paralyzed from the neck down years ago which left him wheelchair bound.  he has made multiple trips to india where they have injected stem cells around his spine and for the first time in years he is taking steps and has some sensation is his back.  i think it would be very nice to help someone in a similar situation.  of course, there is also the possibility that we will not have to address this situation at all should there be no embryos left over after our procedure.  it is so much to think about...and i have been looking online at all different view points which is quite overwhelming.  the thing is, until you have sat here in the position that josh and i are in you can't really say for sure how you would feel or what you would do.  we just need to make a decision that josh and i can live with and allows us both to sleep at night and know that the people who love us most will respect our decision even if they should disagree with it.

things are going pretty well otherwise.  we found out this week that ku med does not transfer the sperm to rrc for us and we have to go pick it up and take it there ourselves.  josh and i both find this to be quite hilarious and will definitely be posting pics of that road trip:)  josh does not have hiv, hepatitis, or any other infectious diseases which is always reassuring.  i would say for the most part we are in very high spirits.  i began one of my new medications, dexamethasome, that josh and i both will agree has left me a little bit on edge.  i am sure it is a combination of the meds and the nervousness of the more aggressive treatment nearing.  for the record, i find the edginess tolerable but josh might have a different point of view:)

our suppression appointment is next tuesday, april 20th.  again, if my ovaries are adequately suppressed than we will be given our next phase of protocol which will likely include beginning hormone injections.  i will be sure to post as soon as i can following that appointment.

one more thing, some of you know that i have tossed around the idea of writing a book about this whole experience.  sort of a no-nonsense tale of what it is like to face all of these different decisions.  i was so proud of myself when in the middle of one of my sleepless nights i had the brilliant idea to title it inconceivable.  genius, huh?  if i do say so myself.  unfortunately, someone beat me to it.  bummer.  i am pretty sure the author is not any more brilliant than I , she just beat me to the punch:)  anyway, those of you that know me best know it would likely never happen anyway.  just another one of my hair brain ideas.  when exactly would i have time to do so anyway??  i am going to be raising twins...