i have been trying to carve out a few minutes over the last few weeks to get some of these thoughts out of my head but i just haven't found time! i honestly have nothing new to report. i have been so busy with my new position at ucm and helping main street find a new director that i am meeting myself coming and going. i still love the new position and could not be happier that i took that leap of faith. i know i have said it before but i truly believe this job was sent to me. one of our students with down syndrome performed at the ucm freshmen talent show this past week and it honestly moved me to tears. the courage that it took for him to get up on that stage is so admirable and we could all learn something from it. i really enjoy working with the students and feel like they are probably going to change me more than i am them. some days i can't believe i get paid to do this.
for the first time since we left our last doctor's appointment i got online and looked at some of our possible egg donors. i realized as soon as i opened the page and a wave of emotion came over me that i have probably shoved everything that is going on a little bit too far down. i still feel that taking my new job was a nice way to force me to think about something else but i think in a way it has given me an excuse not to deal with everything that is going on. i guess i am struggling with finding a balance. i went from our infertility consuming every aspect of my life to not even breathing a word about it. i am just kind of lost as to how to deal with it. i don't want to talk about it anymore. i can feel my chest tighten up when i feel like someone is going to ask me how things are going. this is a very weird feeling for me. as most of you know, i like to talk quite a lot. i can see some of you smiling as i typed those words. when we were going through our previous treatment i could not wait for the next procedure or appointment. right now i find myself wishing time would stand still for a bit and january wouldn't come so quick. i am trying my best to listen to my gut and what it says but i am finding even that difficult. i do know, if i still feel like this come january there is no way i can proceed with treatment. i keep having this image of josh and i pushing the stroller with our child and running into someone we know who asks us who we think our baby looks like. typical question that i think most new parents get but it terrifies me. what am i suppose to say? that they look like josh or maybe jason and some woman out there whom i will never know? it creeps me out. ugh.
on a brighter note, i did like one of the donors quite a lot. she has dark hair, dark eyes and i felt a strange connection with her as i read over her bio. there was another gal that i liked as well but she misspelled like three different words and for some reason that really bothered me. i guess i sort of feel like if she can't put more effort into her bio than that how seriously will she take the treatment? maybe that is absurd but it really stood out to me.
we should be getting results back from jason very soon and then i think we can truly decide how to proceed. after all we have been through i can't help but worry about how that is going to go. i would have never dreamt that they would not have been able to use cass. we will know soon enough. wow, i can't believe i started off by stating i have nothing new to report. i have been rambling for several paragraphs now. i will update when i have news from jason and an idea what's next. until then...
