wow, yesterday it was 65 degrees and sunny and today it is snowing on the first day of spring! i know it is easy to complain about the ever-changing weather but when i really think about it, it is one of the things i love most about missouri, otherwise affectionately known as misery. i love having four seasons, one coming just about the time you get sick of another. honestly, if i lived on the coast or in the mountains where would i go for vacation? when i think about the weather here in missouri it is quite comparable to the process of in vitro...always changing, totally unpredictable, and absolutely no way to control it. i think it is the control that is probably the root of all of my fears going through this process. maybe this is the universe's sick way of teaching me that even i cannot plan everything. it is just extremely difficult for someone, who by nature, likes to find solutions to problems to learn you just have to roll with it. so, roll with it i will.
we got our first bit of not so good news (the word "bad" kind of scares me) about a week ago. my blood test for amh, the hormone that produces the little resting follicles found in my ovaries came back at a .7 and they like it to be above a 1 or 2. they assured me that this does not mean that we will not get pregnant but it does indicate that we will not get very many eggs. so, my ivf calender has changed a little bit because they will have to be more aggressive with the hormone treatments. i decided not to post it here because it sounds like it is very fluid and only my medication start dates will change, not the major appointments. plus i thought it would be a fun game for all of my friends and family to try to decide if my attitude is due to treatment or if i am just having a "jessica" moment:)
i have never been one to have a major pity party and can usually, even after a slight break down, find the silver lining, but the past few weeks have been a challenge. the day before i received the hormone news my car was broken into and my purse and ipod were stolen all in a 5 minute span that i entered a store in mid-afternoon in warrensburg. and i swear to goodness if one more person tells me i should not have left my purse in my car i will not even try to contain myself. i mean really, i know that is what people are thinking and if i am being honest that is probably what i would have been thinking had the story been told to me, but to verbalize it is like kicking me when i am down. you would think it ends there but i have developed a rash on my chest, stomach and back within the past few days. i went to the doctor this morning to learn i have pityrasis rosea. i think it is more than just simple irony that the first four letters are p-i-t-y. while the exact cause is unknown, my doctor believes it is stress related. of course it is. the good news is it is not contagious, the bad news is there is no real way to treat it and it typically lasts 6-8 weeks. of course it does. i have been concentrating so hard on keeping a smile on my face and remaining positive that i think it might be causing me more harm than good. maybe i should just give in to it a bit. i am not talking about spending days in bed without bathing but it just as i am writing this occurred to me that maybe i deserve to give in to the self-pity that i have been working so hard to resist if only for a brief moment.
anyway, i know this post is a bit heavy i just needed to clear some thoughts. my cycle is scheduled to begin this week so we are days away from beginning ivf. my uterus evaluation appointment is scheduled for march 29 but could change by a few days if my cycle is off. I will be sure to report what will hopefully be delightful news!
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