what the beep

it finally looks as if we are nearing the end of our stay here at children's mercy although i don't think either of us will believe it 100% until we are on the road.  there is no way i could put into words how ready josh and i are to take our babes home.  it probably sounds crazy given all we have gone through thus far but in some way it feels as if our new journey into parenthood has yet to begin.  i don't think it will feel entirely real (for me anyway) until we are nestled in at home.  there have been so many ups and downs over the past almost three weeks it is unbelievable.  however, since we moved to a family room it has been much easier on all of us i believe.  sure, we are up every two hours feeding and could not keep up with diaper changes if we tried but it is wonderful.  completely and utterly exhausting but wonderful.  that has honestly not been the stressful part, we knew that was going to be life for sometime to come.  it is being trapped within these four walls waiting for word that has been positively exhausting.  that, and the monitors.  i swear to goodness i will be hearing beeps for the next 6 months.  the nerve-racking part is most of the times the monitors go off it means nothing at all but of course it freaks us out every time!  the babes are fattening up fast which is wonderful. as of last night finley was back to her birth weight of 5 lbs 9 oz and potter had exceeded hers by 6 ounces weighing in at 4 lbs 12 ounces.  i am literally a milk machine which is helping them grow strong.  it is the most unbelievable thing i have ever seen.  as of today we have 62 bottles of frozen breast milk!  that will certainly come in handy when they begin daycare, not to mention if josh and i want to escape the house for a few hours.  i feel like i have a lot more to add and will hopefully have time soon but right now the munchkins are screaming for dinner so i better scoot.  we will let everyone know when we finally get home.  as usual, we appreciate all of the love and support from everyone!

nurses, nursing and the nicu

let's begin with the nursing staff at children's mercy. i should note that with the exception of the two we had yesterday they have all been fabulous. i am not sure if they both woke up on the wrong side of the bed or what the hell was going on with them but they were downright rude. i had to show them the not so nice side of jessica which i try to break out only when completely necessary and justified. let's just say i got my point across.  for those of you that have seen it, i'm sure you can picture how it went down.  i am quite positive that you get extra points when interviewing for a nursing position here if you are under the age of 30 and absolutely adorable. not exactly a self-esteem boost when you are carrying 500 extra pounds, haven't showered in days, and are waddling around because you are still recovering from surgery. not to mention the fact that i burst into uncontrollable tears randomly throughout the day. and, of course, they are all in love with my husband. and who wouldn't be. one of the first days i was here two little blonde nurses came up to josh and was like "hey josh (cutesy baby voice) how are your little girls doing." after he caught them up on progress i said "i see you have been making new friends while i was laid up in the hospital (sarcastic jessica voice)." he then explained to me that he is just trying to be super nice to them since they are taking care of the babes. uh huh. he really is the cutest thing you have ever seen, i must admit. we had planned on doing kangaroo care (skin to skin contact with mom and dad that promotes bonding and nursing) anyway but it became even more important when they were born at 35 weeks. so, every time i nurse josh takes his shirt off and snuggles with the opposite babe. from what i have seen there are not a lot of dads here so i am sure it is nice for all of them to see one that is so involved. he has to go back to work tomorrow which neither one of us is very excited about but he wants to save his 2nd week off for when we are at home which makes a lot of sense.  he definitely helps balance me out so i am a bit nervous about how things will go in his absence.  him being there to cheer me on in particular with keeping up the nursing has been a big support. my mom and barb are going to try to be here to help me as much as possible which is a huge relief. 

if there is any saving grace in this whole mess it is the fortune i have had with nursing both of the babes. it is so important to both josh and i that i do so and i can't even fathom how much stress it would add if it didn't work out. the lactation consultants have been working with us every day and i have no doubt we wouldn't have made such strides without them. it is quite a grueling process though, i won't lie. i literally feed one, feed the other, then pump, feed one, feed the other, then pump.  you get the idea.  although grueling, it is also one of the most rewarding things i have been able to do throughout this process.  i love that it is something that only i can share with them.  and i love that it is helping them get stronger and therefore home faster.

the doc told us yesterday morning that we are able to move out of the nicu and into a private room as soon as there is one available.  this is major progress and a great sign that the babes are getting stronger.  although i am thrilled to hear the news it is utterly painful to sit and wait for a room to come available.  we all know patience is not a virtue of mine.  nonetheless, this will allow us to move out of the ronald mcdonald house and into a room where we can stay as a family.  it literally breaks my heart that the babes haven't really got to meet one another yet.  to spend 35 weeks in utero together only to be separated must be somewhat confusing.  i just can't hardly wait for them to snuggle up to one another. 

as for josh and i, we are hanging in there.  there are days that i have wondered why i keep ending up in these situations where i have to be stronger than i want to be but such is life.  to be perfectly blunt, i feel like after all that we have gone through to get here we deserved for this to go differently.  i have always been a firm believer in karma but i don't feel like i have done enough bad deeds in my almost 32 years to warrant this.  and i know josh hasn't.  when i start to feel this way i try to take a look around the nicu at all the babies who don't have families there with them and are having far worse problems than our babes.  sometimes it interrupts the pity party, sometimes not. 

as usual, i will do my best to keep everyone up to date and informed.  it is actually very therapeutic for me to get these thoughts out of my head.  i can't wait to get them home where they are able to meet everyone who has been so supportive of us in this process.  our cup runneth over....

side note - i swear to goodness i just heard "paging dr. jack daniels" over the intercom...

twinsanity

i am not quite sure where to begin! i guess i first need to make an amendment to my previous post. you know, the one where i go on and on about how i could stay pregnant forever and i feel fabulous. yea, that all changed in the third trimester. my legs and feet became insanely swollen, i developed pregnancy-related carpal tunnel, severe round ligament pain, along with all the other fun pregnancy side-effects...heartburn, insomnia, the list goes on and on.

all of the pregnancy related stuff seems so unimportant now that the babes are here so I will just get to the story everyone wants to hear. i woke up last thursday morning about 7:30 with contractions, they were not incredibly intense and were mostly sporadic. we had a series of contractions that were approximately 7 minutes apart lasting anywhere from 30-60 seconds. we assumed we were in pre-labor but decided to call the doctor's office to let them know as my blood pressure had been really high and that combined with the severe swelling in my legs and feet the doctors were concerned about pre-eclampsia. of course, when i called my doctor's office and said "i am 35 weeks pregnant with twins and having contractions" they wanted me to go to ob to get checked out. so, off we went. little did we know this would be our first of three trips that day. after getting checked out at ob it was determined that i was in labor although i was not dilated or effaced at all. they sent me home and told me it "could be tonight, it could be a month from now." later that evening i was talking on the phone to my friend betsy when i got a really strong contraction. so strong i had no choice but to hang up on her...sorry about that bets:) this was much different than the ones i had earlier in the morning and i had not felt many at all that afternoon so i knew something was different. i had another one about 7 minutes later and had a very short burst of water at the end of it. we were quite certain my water had broken and although i had been told by my doctor that i could labor a good deal at home she wanted me to come in immediately if my water broke...so, back to ob we went. when i arrived they tested for amniotic fluid and it was negative! everything else seemed fine so back home we went. i let everyone know it was a false alarm and we were headed to bed so no one should hear from us again that evening. now, i understand the next part of this story seems almost unimaginable and if someone were to tell it to me i would probably think it was a complete exaggeration but i promise you it is 100% accurate. we pulled into the garage and as i was stepping out of the car josh said "wouldn't it be funny if your water broke" and that instant i felt a large gush that soaked my entire pants. i was literally standing in a puddle in our garage. we both looked at each other and began laughing hysterically. there was absolutely no doubt this time, my water had broken. so, i cleaned up, changed my pants, gave kemper a kiss goodbye and back to ob we went. when we arrived at ob this time they went ahead and tested to make sure it was amniotic fluid and of course it was positive. this was it. omg. my doctor came in and because my water had broken, but i was not progressing in labor and baby b was still breech we decided to proceed with a c-section. everything moved pretty quick from here. they took me back to the operating room to do the spinal block and then brought josh back to be with me at the beginning of surgery. from here there really are no words to describe what happened next. although my stomach seemed to be deadened it was not so after they got in there to remove the babies. apparently i had a few "hot pockets" that had not completely went numb and i could feel a lot more pain than you normally would. i didn't get any additional pain meds until the babies were out so to say the least it was a pretty painful experience. after the babies were removed i was able to see both of them as they laid them on my shoulder. baby a was born at 1:05 weighing 5 lbs 9 oz and baby b was born at 1:06 weighing 4 lbs 6 oz. shortly after as they were removing the placentas i was experiencing quite a lot of pain and long story short i was not numb and it turned into a scene from the exorcist and they had to put me out. next thing i know i am waking up in the recovery room hours later having no idea what happened. i would normally try to make light of the situation but there really is no way. it was awful. completely awful. utterly horrific. you get the idea. the next several hours were honestly quite a blur. because i was still so out of it i didn't get to see the girls again until almost 11:00 on friday. josh stayed with them most of the time checking on me periodically. it finally came time to see them and we went down together. we were not allowed to hold them but were able to touch. it was such a beautiful experience to get to see them. we decided to name baby a finley morel rhodes and baby b potter joon rhodes. it is interesting because josie belle was at the top of our list most of the pregnancy but it just didn't fit either one of them! after hanging with them for awhile we decided to go back to our room and try to get some rest. about 30 minutes later the doctor came in to inform us that they would like to move the girls to children's mercy hospital due to respiratory issues common with babies born at 35 weeks. we made the decision to send josh along with the girls since i was not able to be released from the hospital yet. of course this was a difficult decision but we both knew it was the right decision. the next few days were no doubt the most difficult but with the help of our friends and family we were able to survive. josh kept me updated as i focused on pumping as much as i could as the doctors feel breast milk will help them tremendously. this process really helped as it allowed me to feel like i was able to help from a distance. i was finally released from the hospital late sunday afternoon and off to children's mercy we went. as we pulled up to the front door josh was waiting there for me with a wheel chair. next to the moment i saw the girls for the first time this was probably the most incredible moment of my life. it tops the moment i married him and even the moment we found out we were pregnant. to see his eyes light up and the relief he had on his face was one of the most amazing things ever. i can't imagine how hard it must have been for him to leave me behind. the first day and a half here were pretty rough to say the least but each day seems to be getting a little better. as of today i am breast feeding them both which is nice. i have been able to produce enough milk for the both of them which is wonderful. it has been a struggle as they are preemies to teach them how to latch on but the lactation team here is wonderful and will come down for every feeding if i need help so we have been taking full advantage of that. we were able to get a room at the ronald mcdonald house across the street which is a huge help financially and otherwise. it is not the ritz by any means but we are so exhausted by the time we get there i think we could probably sleep in the parking lot. i am healing pretty well. not getting around real quick but we are making due. i think josh thought it would be easier when i got here but now he has 3 babies to take care of! the girls are getting stronger every day. finley is a few days behind potter but we are hoping she can catch up and they will be released at the same time. in regards to when that will be, we really have no idea. could be a week, could be a month. they have to be able to maintain feedings on the breast, regulate their own temperature and something else that i honestly can't think of right now. it is interesting how they have their own little personalities already. i feel like we are getting to know them more and more everyday. i have been writing this post in 20 minute increments while i pump so i apologize if i have repeated myself or if some of it seems scattered. my thoughts, as you can imagine, are pretty scattered right now. i will do my best to post even the smallest amount of new information i have as time allows. we are so grateful for all of the love and support from everyone. i don't know how we would have survived thus far without our friends and family. much love to you all.  - josh, jess, finley and potter