get me off this roller coaster!

this is the third time i have attempted this post.  for some reason every time i sit down to get the words out of my head the thoughts become frozen.  of course if i had good news to share they would probably flow much easier. i think part of the problem is before i was just blogging about josh and i on our journey to parenthood.  now, because of the path life has taken, cassidy, jason and their families are part of this roller coaster ride as well.  while they have both given their blessing for me to blog about this entire experience i feel like parts of this story is theirs to share.  i guess that is probably what i have been getting stuck on in my previous attempts to get this information out.  so, minus all the details, we are not able to use cassidy as an egg donor.  i am diagnosed with severe ovarian dysfunction and she with mild to moderate.  i could go into all of the medical terminology and what it means but really don't see where it's necessary.

as for where we go now, who knows?  josh and i have decided to take a vacation from this amusement park.  the only conversation we wish to have about eggs at this point is who is going to make breakfast.  as for how long this break is, could be a week, could be a month, we are not going to try to make that determination.  i would be lying if i said we aren't both feeling a bit defeated at this point.  don't get me wrong, we will both bounce back, but i think this blow might keep us down a little longer.  i understand the universe is trying to tell us something and i still know we will have a baby someday but i think we are both just feeling a bit beat up right now.  i think we both need some time to get our heads in shape.

i think that is all i have right now.  i want to close by stating how incredibly fortunate i am to have cass.  not only for so selflessly attempting to go through this whole process to help josh and i out but for being my rock while doing it.  my gratitude could not be put into words.  she is one of the most strong (and quite stubborn) individuals i have ever known and i am very lucky to be able to draw from her strength.  she is an incredible mom, sister, wife, nurse, and friend.  if i am able to be half the mother she is someday i will have some very lucky children.  also, it is pretty nice to have a brother-in-law who will lay in the pool and drink beer with you all day in a time of need:)

sister sister

it was my hope to be able to leave our consultation with some more definitive answers but it seems nothing on this journey is definitive until there is a crying baby in our arms.  it was a very long day to say the least.  cass, j.d., josh and myself were there for almost five hours.  it is truly one of the most mentally exhausting experiences i can imagine.

they split us up by couples in the beginning to do our psychiatric consultations which must have gone well because the psychiatrist said she would bring us together for a group discussion afterwards if there were any issues that needed to be addressed and she did not do so.  i can't believe we all passed the crazy test, that in itself is a miracle.  while cass and jd were with the psychiatrist we met with marge, our new ivf coordinator, and vice versa.  i had some speculation about marge, as i stated before, but she turned out to be alright.  she is definitely very different than brandi, much more intense, but she obviously knows what she is doing and that is the important thing. of course every time she left the room josh would say "tell them large marge sent ya."  nothing like continuous quotes from pee wee herman to lighten the mood. the psychiatrist and marge both mentioned several times that it is not uncommon for sisters to have the same issues.  while it seems logical that someone who has had no difficulty getting pregnant would be the ideal candidate it is, of course, much more complex than that.  there is no question that cass can create a good quality egg, the question is how many can she create.  if you remember, this was one of the major concerns with my cycle.  i was on the maximum dose of hormones and was only able to create seven eggs, with only four of them being good enough quality to attempt fertilization.  it only took cass one good egg to conceive while the goal here is to create multiple eggs, on average they like to get at least twelve.  they did a full exam and transvaginal ultrasound on cass and she was kind enough to let me in the room with her.  i think we could both sense right away that there was some concern from dr. brabec.  after her exam marge and dr. brabec both met with all four of us together.  they said there is some concern about the way things looked but they won't know how to proceed until they get more blood work.  cass and jd were both tested for infectious diseases and they also drew blood from cass to test her amh.  during our first cycle they tested my amh, which was lower than what they like.  i was told that this was an indication that i would likely not create many eggs which proved true.  they also want to test her fsh but they have to do so on day two, three, or four of her cycle.  she is due to start anytime so it will likely be the beginning of next week.  they will also do another transvagianl ultrasound at that time and then decide how to proceed.

best case scenario is her amh and fsh come back good and we proceed as planned.  the last thing i asked dr. brabec was if we should be super concerned and she said she would not say super concerned but she does have a reasonable amount of concern after the ultrasound. if the tests do not come back as we wish, we will likely follow the advice of dr. brabec, whatever that may be.  if it looks as if cass has similar issues as i do, my guess is they would suggest i use an anonymous egg donor or proceed with adoption, both of which still lead to a baby.  we will just have to cross that bridge when it gets here.  we are hoping for the best but being realistic at the same time.

as for jason, he has to do a phone consultation with the psychiatrist and get some lab work along with a semen analysis done in portland and have the results sent over to rrc.  we will have a better idea of how to proceed with that piece when that is completed.

as crazy as it sounds, we did have an enjoyable time yesterday.  having cass there added a new comfort level and josh and j.d. are nice comic relief.  no matter which way this new road takes us josh and i are eternally grateful that cass and j.d. took the time out of their day to help us out.  i am choosing to believe that cassidy's tests are going to come back fine and we will proceed on our path to parenthood.  i will update next week when i have more news.

boob job

i am mildly irritated by an article i read in self magazine regarding infertility.  not so much at self as i believe they are trying to convey the same thing as i, but at the couple that is discussing their infertility.  the article focuses on the anonymity of couples who experience some sort of infertility and make the decision to use ivf or other treatment options to help achieve pregnancy.  the couple that is sharing their story chose to only be identified by their middle names because their friends, coworkers, nor even their parents know they are using infertility treatments in hopes of conceiving.  when they get the dreaded "when are you going to start  a family" question they respond by stating, even to family members, that they are not going to have any children.  don't get me wrong, there are many responses i would like to give to people who ask me when josh and i  are going to start a family, but i choose to take the high road and politely let them know that josh and i started a family on june 3, 2007 when we married. to me that is a question that should be as forbidden as "are you pregnant."

i am not entirely sure what my irritation is with this couple yet so forgive me if i ramble a bit, of course anyone who actually reads this is used to that.  i try not to be judgmental and understand that just because they handle their infertility different does not make them wrong but if i am being honest i think this is part of the reason infertility is not widely recognized as a problem.  i am not sure if i feel as comfortable as some do calling it a disease but it is certainly no walk in the park.  i can say that viewing it as a "cosmetic procedure" as the insurance industry does is complete b.s.  seriously?  if i finally decided to get those hooters i have been talking about all these years it should be considered cosmetic and no one should be expected to pay for it, but a married couple trying to conceive is "cosmetic?"  i know the line has to be drawn somewhere but that seems absurd to me.  i should also note that should so-called cosmetic procedures someday be covered under insurance plans i will have a new baby and a new set of hooters:)

i don't know the intimate details of this couple's life so it is easy for me to question why they would keep it a secret.  maybe they don't have the fabulous support system that josh and i have and don't feel comfortable enough in their own surroundings to share such sacred details.  obviously right off the bat we know that josh and i are very different as we have chosen to put every sordid detail out on the world wide web for anyone to ridicule.  i guess my main concern with their approach is that to me the secretive nature implies that there is something wrong with what they are doing.  while i would not have chosen this path for josh or i, i am proud to tell anyone who will listen that these are the great lengths that we will go to to have a child.  i am proud to say i have such an incredible sister and brother-in-law who are so willing to help us along our journey.  i also believe that while there will undoubtedly be times in our child's life that they have questions or concerns they will know and understand completely why we chose this path.

i do believe that there needs to be more awareness of the amount of people who suffer from infertility and i think the more people that are scared to share the less we will accomplish.  at the end of the article the couple achieves their lifelong dream of pregnancy and after 14 weeks with no problems they tell their parents but opt to leave out the long road it took to get there.  to each their own, i am happy to see another couple using ivf is having a baby, it reminds me that it is possible.  the last question the soon-to-be mother is asked is if she would consider joining the fight for the cause to which she responds that she recognizes the need for more research and understanding but is afraid to be vocal for fear that it might get her into trouble at her health-policy job.  fear is a real bitch,  ya know?  here is someone who is already in a perfect position to help give infertility a voice but is too afraid.  hey, i know jobs are important, especially in this economy and i am sure she has racked up a healthy bill from all of those "cosmetic" procedures she has been having. alright, i will leave it at that.  but, believe me i could go on.

on a lighter note, actually a heavier note, our egg donor consultation is in two days!  i can't believe it is finally here.  cassidy, j.d., josh and i all sat down and had a very candid conversation this weekend about every question/concern we have going into this.  it was nice for all of us to get it off our chest and address the elephant in the room.  we will likely be there 4-5 hours so i am not sure if i will report back thursday evening or not.  however, it usually feels good to get all the details out while they are still fresh so my guess is i will have some news sooner rather than later.  until then...

pregnant women are smug.

i sincerely hope this video does not offend any of my friends/family that are either pregnant or have kids.  obviously, this entire blog is related to my journey to pregnancy and i hope to be very "smug" one day soon.  i just find it incredibly funny.  i mean like super duper hilarious.  so enjoy, or don't...either way.  oh, and for the record, as my good friend bethenny frankel would say...i don't care what sex my baby is, as long as it has ten fingers, ten toes, and a vagina.  okay, i might have crossed a line with that one:)