a flurry of emotions

well, things certainly seem to be going our way this time around.  we ended up with two of josh's embryos on the day of transfer which is terrific news.  i have posted pictures of our precious little ones below.  we also had two left over to freeze, one donor and one josh, for future use.  when we went in for transfer the lab technician came in to greet us and i for the one hundredth time i inquired about the quality:)  her exact response was "girl, they look great...you could have twins!"  omg.  i almost peed my pants.  this was much different from last time as we were promptly notified upon entering the room that neither of the ones they transferred looked very good.

after transfer, i had two excruciating days of bed rest.  i never thought i could be so excited to go back to work!  I was happy to get back into the swing of things and while our pregnancy test is always at the forefront of my mind, i haven't felt all consumed by it as i did last time.  i have tried to keep myself busy without overdoing it and just take it one day at a time.  of course, i am constantly looking for a sign of pregnancy knowing that there will likely not be one this early but i can't imagine anyone in my shoes would not do the same.  i might be one of the only people to wish to wake up with morning sickness!

we go in tomorrow for the much anticipated blood test so the nerves have officially set in.  the predicted 20 inches of snow and ice aren't doing much to alleviate the stress.  why wouldn't our blood test be on the day of the expected "largest snow storm in 20 years?"  it will just make for a better story to tell our kids one day, right?  sheesh.  we are going to go up tonight and stay in a hotel near the clinic just to play it safe.  we were able to find one with covered parking so we won't have to worry about digging our car out in the morning.

i feel very good.  much different than last time, although this whole second round has been much different than last time.  in some ways i feel as if i am acting as if i am already pregnant.  i tried to fight this urge a bit at first but decided just to go with it.  no actions, emotions, thoughts or premonitions could make a negative result any worse tomorrow.  i almost feel as if that isn't even possible.  i felt with every fiber in my body that good news was not coming our way after my blood test last time although i did my best to put on my usual smiley face.  i have always felt that i am very in tune to my body and don't believe that i am just playing tricks on myself.  i feel like tomorrow will begin a glorious new chapter in our life.  i don't feel this way because i think we deserve it (although we do), or because i can't handle it if it isn't (although I am not sure if i can), i just feel this way.  as i laid in the hotel room the night before josh's procedure and the donor's egg retrieval, i felt this overwhelming sense of peace and clarity.  those who know me most know these moments have been few and far between over the last year in particular.  i can't say i knew it was going to work this time, however, i just knew in the pit of my stomach that i was going to be okay either way.  there have been times throughout this whole experience that i have questioned if i would survive it. and many nights i have had to be talked off of the ledge.  i have questioned my strength, my courage, my ability to cope all while dealing with the emotions of being "broken."  i laid there that night thinking about josh and i and how i truly feel we have something that some less fortunate people search their whole life for.  we have each other and if i had to spend the rest of my life with him and only him i could be satisfied. 

we are so fortunate to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends and family.  this would have been unsurvivable without them.  we are off to pack the car with shovels, blankets and all of the necessary items we may need to survive the storm.  i will be in touch soon...

eleven come seven

i am very happy to report that our cycle is off to a very good start.  finally.  josh went in for his procedure this past wednesday where they were able to retrieve sperm again!  the egg donor was there as well for egg retrieval.  it was quite a surreal experience to know that she was in the same building as us.  i am not going to lie, i considered sneaking down to the hospital waiting room to catch a glimpse but was thankfully able to refrain myself.  marge, our ivf nurse, called later that afternoon to report that they had retrieved 11 eggs!  they like to get ten to twelve so this was excellent news.  if you remember, they were only able to retrieve seven from me.  josh and i were thrilled with the news!

they called thursday morning to inform us that seven eggs fertilized!  this in itself is fabulous news, but the icing on the cake is that four of them were fertilized with josh's sperm and three with the donor sperm!  i, of course, was thrilled but josh was over the moon!  things seem to be finally going our way.  they called again this morning with another report and all seven are still kickin'.  out of josh's four, two have divided into four cells, one into 3 cells, and the last into two cells.  with the donor sperm, there are two four cell and one three cell.  they should continue to divide each day so this is great progress.

they will call again in the morning with another count.  talk about living life one day at a time.  sheesh.  after our report in the morning they will transfer the embryos to a new medium making tomorrow the most critical day for our little babies.  prayers, good vibes, positive energy, witchcraft, and voo-doo all welcome.  the report on sunday will likely reflect the number we will have to work with on monday morning when we go in for transfer.  last time, we began with four embryos and ended up with two on the day of transfer.  they will transfer two unless come monday there are only two embryos left, one belonging to the donor and one to josh.  if this should be the case, they will only transfer one and freeze the remaining.  i don't anticipate that happening given our good start but you never know.

josh and i both feel very positive and much more relaxed this time around.  we had to begin the intramuscular shots again which are no fun but not the worst thing in the world.  i am trying not to get my hopes too high for the obvious fear of being let down again but i have a very good feeling about this.  i will be on bed rest the day of and the day after transfer so i will update again the beginning of the week!

cautiously optimistic

i know, i know, this post is a long time coming. i have sat down several times to write it but i always draw a blank.  i must say, not being able to come up with words is a whole new experience for me. it is not only difficult to explain this extremely scientific, tedious process but to get my thoughts out in a way that seems fit as well.  about a month ago, i sat down to try to write and began reading my blog from the beginning instead.  it was one of the strangest experiences i have ever had.  although, i have only been blogging for a year i felt as if i didn't even recognize the person who had typed out each entry.  they seemed like words of an impostor as opposed to mine.  i don't even feel like i am the same person anymore.  i couldn't even begin to explain the toll this whole process has taken on josh and i.  i don't think i need for people to understand it not that anyone could.  at the end of the day, josh is what keeps me sane.  kind of ironic, he is also what makes me insane:)  i suppose that is probably true for any happy couple.  he surprised me with at trip to hermann for nye and it was honestly the best gift he could have given me.  sometimes just getting out of town, out of our daily routine, even for one evening can be so refreshing.  i think after getting away for a bit i am ready to get some of these thoughts out with the hopes of silencing some of the crazy voices in my head.  i will give it my best shot...

we have a lot of catching up to do. i think the last place i left everyone we were searching for an egg donor and were planning to use jason as a partial sperm donor. long story short, the powers that be determined that we are unable to use jason as well. this, of course, sent us into another tailspin. after lots of discussion, we decided to proceed as planned with an egg donor for me and a partial sperm donor for josh. in a nutshell (pun intended), if my donor gets 10 eggs they will put five eggs with josh's sperm and five eggs with the sperm donor’s sperm. the sperm donor is really our back up plan. because we both have a fair amount of fertility issues they are unable to determine why our last cycle did not work. so, if we got 12 healthy eggs from our donor and put them all with josh’s sperm and none of them worked we would know he was a big factor but at that point it would be too late to do anything about it. we can skip over the part where i explain that i am fully aware of how odd this sounds because I have said it all before. no one knows what path they will take until they are at the intersection.

as i stated in a previous post, i had a difficult time choosing an egg donor. josh and i began seeing an infertility counselor that has helped us tremendously throughout this process. she really eased my mind by validating all of the emotions i was feeling. i think more than anything i just needed a break from all of the madness. taking time off from all of the baby talk helped more than anything. so, i have now chosen a donor who i think is just perfect. she completed her first cycle for another patient in october where they retrieved 13 eggs (they like to get 10-12) which resulted in a pregnancy. our nurse said the second cycle, for whatever reason, usually goes better than the first so i feel optimistic. as far as choosing, i went with physical characteristics above all else. she is the exact same height and weight and has brown hair and brown eyes. i didn’t really see the importance of all the other information like what instruments or sports she plays.

in regards to a sperm donor, josh chose his just last week. it is pretty much the same process as the egg donor, you get full medical, emotional and physical information on each donor. josh narrowed it down to five and then we agreed upon the final donor. we ruled out two donors right away and then wrote down the final three in the order we would pick them. of course, his third choice was my first and vice versa you can pay $5 for a childhood photo so we decided to go that route and to see if it helped us decide. as soon as the 3rd photo downloaded (josh’s 1st choice) we both looked at each other in agreement.

so now we have both donors chosen and have begun our second cycle. i began shots the day after christmas and will start estrogen patches tomorrow. i only have one shot this time since we are not using my eggs which is very nice. egg retrieval is scheduled for january 18th, 19th, or 20th with embryo transfer 5 days after that and pregnancy test 8 days after that. so, the latest our pregnancy test should be is february 3. less than a month away!

i will do my best to keep everyone posted on the process from here on out. i feel a lot more calm this time, i think part of me is numb to it and part of me just feels more relaxed. i still feel positive that it is going to work and i think that is most important. we appreciate all of the well wishes and look forward to delivering excellent news in 2011!