a flurry of emotions

well, things certainly seem to be going our way this time around.  we ended up with two of josh's embryos on the day of transfer which is terrific news.  i have posted pictures of our precious little ones below.  we also had two left over to freeze, one donor and one josh, for future use.  when we went in for transfer the lab technician came in to greet us and i for the one hundredth time i inquired about the quality:)  her exact response was "girl, they look great...you could have twins!"  omg.  i almost peed my pants.  this was much different from last time as we were promptly notified upon entering the room that neither of the ones they transferred looked very good.

after transfer, i had two excruciating days of bed rest.  i never thought i could be so excited to go back to work!  I was happy to get back into the swing of things and while our pregnancy test is always at the forefront of my mind, i haven't felt all consumed by it as i did last time.  i have tried to keep myself busy without overdoing it and just take it one day at a time.  of course, i am constantly looking for a sign of pregnancy knowing that there will likely not be one this early but i can't imagine anyone in my shoes would not do the same.  i might be one of the only people to wish to wake up with morning sickness!

we go in tomorrow for the much anticipated blood test so the nerves have officially set in.  the predicted 20 inches of snow and ice aren't doing much to alleviate the stress.  why wouldn't our blood test be on the day of the expected "largest snow storm in 20 years?"  it will just make for a better story to tell our kids one day, right?  sheesh.  we are going to go up tonight and stay in a hotel near the clinic just to play it safe.  we were able to find one with covered parking so we won't have to worry about digging our car out in the morning.

i feel very good.  much different than last time, although this whole second round has been much different than last time.  in some ways i feel as if i am acting as if i am already pregnant.  i tried to fight this urge a bit at first but decided just to go with it.  no actions, emotions, thoughts or premonitions could make a negative result any worse tomorrow.  i almost feel as if that isn't even possible.  i felt with every fiber in my body that good news was not coming our way after my blood test last time although i did my best to put on my usual smiley face.  i have always felt that i am very in tune to my body and don't believe that i am just playing tricks on myself.  i feel like tomorrow will begin a glorious new chapter in our life.  i don't feel this way because i think we deserve it (although we do), or because i can't handle it if it isn't (although I am not sure if i can), i just feel this way.  as i laid in the hotel room the night before josh's procedure and the donor's egg retrieval, i felt this overwhelming sense of peace and clarity.  those who know me most know these moments have been few and far between over the last year in particular.  i can't say i knew it was going to work this time, however, i just knew in the pit of my stomach that i was going to be okay either way.  there have been times throughout this whole experience that i have questioned if i would survive it. and many nights i have had to be talked off of the ledge.  i have questioned my strength, my courage, my ability to cope all while dealing with the emotions of being "broken."  i laid there that night thinking about josh and i and how i truly feel we have something that some less fortunate people search their whole life for.  we have each other and if i had to spend the rest of my life with him and only him i could be satisfied. 

we are so fortunate to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends and family.  this would have been unsurvivable without them.  we are off to pack the car with shovels, blankets and all of the necessary items we may need to survive the storm.  i will be in touch soon...