scrambled eggs

i know i haven't posted in awhile but i haven't had much to report until now.  josh and i had our follow up with dr. brabec yesterday which just so happened to be our 3rd anniversary.  i can't believe we have been married three years already.  it goes by so fast.  our appointment, unfortunately, was less than spectacular.  much less than spectacular actually.  i think we both thought we were going to come out of there knowing exactly how and when to proceed.  that could not be farther from the truth.  dr. brabec told us the reason she feels the pregnancy didn't take is because of the quality of the embryos which in her opinion is a result of the quality of my eggs.  when we began this process it was because of  josh's blockage but we have found throughout this procedure that i have my own fertility issues which unfortunately are pretty severe.  apparently, i have the eggs of a 40 year old.  great.  after all of my treatment i feel i have the body of one also.  unfortunately, there is no way for them to gage how my body will react until going through treatment.  because my uterus and fallopian tubes are anatomically correct and they found no polyps or anything of that nature they believe by body is able to handle a pregnancy but unfortunately has a hard time creating one.  

so, basically we have three options.  the first is to do the same treatment as last time except she would do an estrogen priming treatment which is done by oral medication prior to beginning a new ivf cycle.  because i was already on the maximum dose of hormones my protocol wouldn't otherwise change.  whether or not the estrogen priming treatment would make a difference is a toss up.  she said there is no way to tell if it would help or not.  considering all factors, she believes we have about a 30% chance if this is the route we take.  not great odds.

the second option would be to use a sperm donor which doesn't really make sense because the quality of my eggs are largely the issue.  she just wanted to make sure we knew all of our options.

our final option would be to use an egg donor.  this is where they would put josh's sperm with another woman's eggs and implant it in my uterus.  the egg donor could be anonymous or we could use someone we know.  before i get into this, i want to state that four months ago using a sperm or egg donor was absolutely 100% not an option for josh or i either one, i think i even stated such in a previous post.  however, until you have stood where we are standing i don't believe anyone can fully understand the thought process so please try to keep an open mind.  we don't ask that you understand or agree with it, just that you kindly respect our exploring all options.

i told dr. brabec that as josh and i walked into her office we were 99% sure that this would be our last attempt and knowing that information asked what her recommendation would be.  she believes that our best odds of pregnancy  would be to use an egg donor.  we would go from a 30% chance to a 65% chance.  quite a jump.  while it is more expensive, around $27,000, it is still cheaper than adoption and i could carry the baby, give birth, breast feed, and so on.  also, we would have the option to choose a possible relative with our genes.  

there is no possible way to say at this point what we are going to do from here.  there is so much more to think about this time around.  and i thought the second time would be easier.  not only do we have to figure out which path to take but we are back to trying to figure out how to pay for it.  i am not sure we are even able to get a loan for that amount.  again, i know it sounds like a ridiculous amount of money but twenty years from now when our child is graduating from high school i guarantee it will be worth twice the price.

josh and i are heading to hermann for the weekend so hopefully we can begin to sort all of this out.  dr. brabec told us that this is not a "scientific decision" but a "heart and soul" decision and i think she nailed it.  josh and i both need to do some soul-searching within ourselves before we can approach the decision together.  fortunately we are great communicators and i have no doubt we will come to the decision that is best for us.  i hope you all are ready for round two....