good grief

i don't have a lot to report since the last time i checked in but i always feel better after i post so i thought it might do some good to get some of these thoughts out of my head.  i went to acupuncture yesterday for the first time since the results which was nice, but didn't go as well as i had hoped.  i had terrible dreams the night before about everything that has been going on and even though i tried to convince myself the entire drive up that i was going to be okay,  i completely dissolved into tears the second i saw shamayne.  i felt really silly although i know she completely understood.  she did her best to reassure me that i am not "broken" and that we shouldn't lose hope.  i have been so focused on staying on the right track so my body is in good shape when we try again but she thinks that might be causing more stress for my mind.  her advice was to take the next couple of weeks and try my hardest not to think about fertility or babies or anything related.  i have been so consumed with nothing but that my mind needs a rest.  it actually felt very comforting to hear her say that, almost like it gave me permission to breath.  i know it would be impossible to keep all thoughts out but for at least a week i am going to stop reading, googling, and obsessing about fertility, or infertility i guess i should say.  we did get a good laugh when she examined my tongue and stated "i see you have gone back to eating dairy."  busted.  i told her i might have allowed my self to indulge in a few things i have been without for awhile now.  she thought it was good and recommended i try not to be so strict over the next few weeks.  sounds great to me.

josh and i haven't confirmed what our next step will be at this time, i think we are both waiting to speak with the doctors next week to see what they say.  i feel like i am ready to go ahead with another cycle sooner rather than later but know it isn't wise if josh and i aren't both on the same page.  we know we will do it again, deciding when is the best time is the question that needs to be answered.  i think we are both going through the natural stages of grief.  i believe the way we have both reacted, while different, are both very normal reactions.

so, on we go.  continuing on this path of uncertainty and confusion.  i am grateful every day for the life that i have.  it sounds strange to say but i find having gone through this somewhat comforting.  even if i go to bed with tears in my eyes, i go to bed with the man i know i am meant to be with.  the man that loves, supports, and embraces me no matter what it is we are facing.  all while simultaneously driving me nuts of course:)  i know that these challenges only make josh and i stronger as a couple as well as individually.  i can't imagine going through this with anyone else by my side, i don't think it would be possible.