riding the waves...

i thought i better post to at least let people know i haven't driven my car into a tree or anything crazy like that:)  josh and i are doing okay.  it sort of comes in waves.  one minute life feels somewhat normal and the next we are plagued with the reality of trying to figure out where to go from here while simultaneously dealing with the feelings of loss.  the bright side is neither of us are claiming defeat at this point.  we have chosen to keep the white flag tucked away for the time being at least.  i don't think either of us question whether or not to try again.  we have to.  if after another cycle we are left facing these same circumstances then at that point we will have to have a very serious conversation about how to proceed. 

i spoke briefly with brandi, our ivf coordinator, on friday and we have scheduled a follow-up appointment for june 3rd which just so happens to be our 3rd anniversary.  we will at that time discuss what could have gone wrong, where to go from here and so forth.  i asked when we would be able to start again should we choose to do so and she said we could begin with my next cycle which will be a month from now.  that seemed a little soon at first but then josh reminded me that the first month of treatment is primarily oral meds.  we honestly haven't made a definite decision at this point.  i don't think we can until we meet with them on the 3rd and see what they say.

i don't think our protocol should change much but that is pure speculation on my part.  they were able to retrieve eggs and create embryos which is not possible for some couples.  in that regard we were very fortunate.  i think the second time will be more and less stressful than the first.  it will be nice to know what to expect with the various procedures, shots, etc. but it will be very nerve-racking to know this will likely be our last shot at having a biological child.  it will take us a long time to pay back the debt we have already accumulated with this cycle.  with that being said, we have no regrets.  josh or i neither one feel we made a mistake in trying and although this feeling right now is incredibly painful we both still feel positive this process will work for us.

we have decided to take a little mini-vacation to hermann for our anniversary to get away from everything and try to figure out where to go from here.  we found a cute little cottage that allows large dogs so we will be able to take kemper along.  it says they have to be "well-behaved" but i will pretend i didn't see that.  josh says i am going to have to build my tolerance up if we are going to be spending a weekend in wine country:)  i am very much looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend away.  one year ago today we were on a plane to cabo san lucas, i think i could use that vacation ten times more this year.

i allowed myself two days to eat whatever i wanted and am now getting back on track.  i am still juicing everyday and eating healthy.  i haven't had any caffeine since the diet coke on the day we found out the results.  i have, of course, indulged in a few glasses of vino but nothing in excess.  i would like to shed a few pounds before we begin our next cycle or i am going to look preggers by the time it wraps up.  they say you put on approximately ten pounds with every cycle and they aren't kidding!  i was eating healthier than i ever have and still put on ten pounds.  of course, i wasn't allowed to exercise but still!  i also plan to continue with acupuncture as i believe 100% it helped if only mentally.

josh and i both are incredibly grateful for everyone who has reached out to us in the past few days.  i know we haven't been in touch with everyone who has done so but please know how thankful we are.  i know that everyone is incredibly busy with their own lives so the fact that so many of you have taken the time to call or drop by is astonishing.  we feel incredibly lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people.