uncomfortably numb

negative.  i have been thinking for an hour now about the best way to relay the news but the fact is there is absolutely no way to sugar coat it.  negative.  it is still very difficult to wrap our brains around.  negative.  it doesn't even sound right when i say it aloud to myself.  its like such a word should not even exist.

i know this is going to sound very crazy but i knew before the phone even rang.  i was very positive the first several days but the last two i have felt very aware that it was not going to be good news.  i know that everyone has these feelings that creep in during this process but i believe this was different.  i just knew.  something changed in the midst of the longest eight days of my life and i could feel it in my bones that it wasn't going to go our way.  don't get me wrong, i tried to convince myself that what i was feeling wasn't real but somewhere deep down i knew it was.

there would be no way for josh or i either one to express what we feel right now.  i don't think it could be put into words.  it is such a strange feeling to know they were inside of me, even if they only survived one second they were a part of me and now they are gone.  where did they go?  why didn't they make it?  it is so easy to say "it wasn't meant to be right now" or "this just isn't your time" or "god has different plans for you" and i have used some of those phrases myself but it is pretty hard to convince myself that any of them make sense right now.  if there is someone calling the shots and they have decided that this isn't our time than i would like to know why.  we deserved this.  we really, really deserved this.  we worked hard and we did everything they told us to and it should have worked for us.  there are so many babies born each day to parents who will never love them they way josh or i could.

it is hard to know what to do from here.  i know we need to take time to grieve the loss before we make any decisions at all.  over $20,000 down the drain.  absolutely nothing to show for it except ten extra pounds from the hormone injections and a bruised behind from the intramuscular shots.  i was at a wedding shower for a dear friend this past friday and during a speech given by the bride's aunt the statement "if you wait until you can afford a child you will never have one" was made.  this has been on my mind ever since and especially so today.  this whole experience has made me realize what is really important in life and it is not things.  it is family and friends, not the latest shoes, purse or car.  these are not the things we remember when we are 80 years old.  they mean nothing.  but where do we draw the line?  when we are $40,000...$60,000...$80,000 in debt?  how do you put a price on such a gift?  i know neither of us are in the right frame of mind to make that decision right now.  i am definitely not giving up on the powerball.  if anyone we know should win and would like to throw $20,000 at us that would be fantastic.  actually, make that $25,000, i could really use a vacation right now.

i tried to convince myself earlier that at least for now i could relish in some of the things that i have been forbidden from like baths, diet coke, dairy, wine, and so on but it hasn't done much good.  emily brought me a diet coke which i though would be the highlight of my day but it didn't even taste good.  i did take a nice bath but think i will stay away from the vino, i don't think mixing alcohol with this state of mind would be the wisest choice.

so, that is that.  now, we have to figure out where to go from here.  back to square one minus a lot of time and money.  i honestly barely remember the phone call from brandi but i am pretty sure they told us at one point that if it came back negative we would have a follow-up consultation in a couple of weeks.  until then we are going to try to pull ourselves together.  we appreciate all of the people who reached out to us today, we promise to get in touch with all of you when it feels right.