signs, signs, anywhere a sign?

i think this has seriously been the longest 6 days of my entire life.  it is almost like time has literally stood still.  i tricked myself into believing that because jason, jodi and rayna are here it would just fly by.  while having them here has been the best distraction imaginable it still feels like i will never make it to our blood test on thursday.  bed rest was okay.  i think i thought it would be more enjoyable but honestly after about 2 hours i was ready to get up and move around.  thank goodness for all of the wonderful friends and family that came to visit or gave me a call.  i seriously think i laughed harder in that two days then i have in a long time.  i will say having josh at my beck and call for the entire two days was nothing short of awesome:)

i believe i am handling this to the best of my ability.  i haven't been incredibly stressed out and am just trying to take it one day at a time.  this has just been such a roller coaster ride, the ups and downs can definitely make you nauseous at times.  i am remaining positive and still believe it is going to work but i have to admit every now and then the worst creeps into my mind.  i can't imagine anyone going through this that could say differently.  i keep imaging the phone call "hello jessica, this is brandi calling with great news...." but for about every 10 times i imagine that phone call i imagine one that will leave josh and i both completely devastated.  at first i tried to push those thoughts out but i decided it was consuming too much energy so i have decided it is much easier to succumb to it and then proceed along with the positive thoughts.

the doctor was clear that i would not feel any pregnancy symptoms and intellectually i know that i won't but emotionally i wish every night i would wake up with morning sickness.  i almost took a home pregnancy test today which the doctor and every book i have read strongly discourages considering i would be less than a week pregnant.  i was able to fight off the urge knowing that even if i am pregnant it would likely come back negative and i would inevitably be disappointed.  i just wish i had some sort of sign that it worked.  something, anything at all.  and maybe they are there but i am just overlooking them.  it is so difficult right now because we question everything.

anywho, we are more than half-way through now.  i know that josh and i will survive whatever the news, we are just so anxious to hear what it is.  i know everyone will be anxious to hear what we find out and i will update as soon as i can.  obviously, in a more traditional situation we would not make the announcement until further than 8 days along in the pregnancy, but we have allowed everyone in so far and feel it wouldn't be right to keep you waiting!