good grief

i don't have a lot to report since the last time i checked in but i always feel better after i post so i thought it might do some good to get some of these thoughts out of my head.  i went to acupuncture yesterday for the first time since the results which was nice, but didn't go as well as i had hoped.  i had terrible dreams the night before about everything that has been going on and even though i tried to convince myself the entire drive up that i was going to be okay,  i completely dissolved into tears the second i saw shamayne.  i felt really silly although i know she completely understood.  she did her best to reassure me that i am not "broken" and that we shouldn't lose hope.  i have been so focused on staying on the right track so my body is in good shape when we try again but she thinks that might be causing more stress for my mind.  her advice was to take the next couple of weeks and try my hardest not to think about fertility or babies or anything related.  i have been so consumed with nothing but that my mind needs a rest.  it actually felt very comforting to hear her say that, almost like it gave me permission to breath.  i know it would be impossible to keep all thoughts out but for at least a week i am going to stop reading, googling, and obsessing about fertility, or infertility i guess i should say.  we did get a good laugh when she examined my tongue and stated "i see you have gone back to eating dairy."  busted.  i told her i might have allowed my self to indulge in a few things i have been without for awhile now.  she thought it was good and recommended i try not to be so strict over the next few weeks.  sounds great to me.

josh and i haven't confirmed what our next step will be at this time, i think we are both waiting to speak with the doctors next week to see what they say.  i feel like i am ready to go ahead with another cycle sooner rather than later but know it isn't wise if josh and i aren't both on the same page.  we know we will do it again, deciding when is the best time is the question that needs to be answered.  i think we are both going through the natural stages of grief.  i believe the way we have both reacted, while different, are both very normal reactions.

so, on we go.  continuing on this path of uncertainty and confusion.  i am grateful every day for the life that i have.  it sounds strange to say but i find having gone through this somewhat comforting.  even if i go to bed with tears in my eyes, i go to bed with the man i know i am meant to be with.  the man that loves, supports, and embraces me no matter what it is we are facing.  all while simultaneously driving me nuts of course:)  i know that these challenges only make josh and i stronger as a couple as well as individually.  i can't imagine going through this with anyone else by my side, i don't think it would be possible.

riding the waves...

i thought i better post to at least let people know i haven't driven my car into a tree or anything crazy like that:)  josh and i are doing okay.  it sort of comes in waves.  one minute life feels somewhat normal and the next we are plagued with the reality of trying to figure out where to go from here while simultaneously dealing with the feelings of loss.  the bright side is neither of us are claiming defeat at this point.  we have chosen to keep the white flag tucked away for the time being at least.  i don't think either of us question whether or not to try again.  we have to.  if after another cycle we are left facing these same circumstances then at that point we will have to have a very serious conversation about how to proceed. 

i spoke briefly with brandi, our ivf coordinator, on friday and we have scheduled a follow-up appointment for june 3rd which just so happens to be our 3rd anniversary.  we will at that time discuss what could have gone wrong, where to go from here and so forth.  i asked when we would be able to start again should we choose to do so and she said we could begin with my next cycle which will be a month from now.  that seemed a little soon at first but then josh reminded me that the first month of treatment is primarily oral meds.  we honestly haven't made a definite decision at this point.  i don't think we can until we meet with them on the 3rd and see what they say.

i don't think our protocol should change much but that is pure speculation on my part.  they were able to retrieve eggs and create embryos which is not possible for some couples.  in that regard we were very fortunate.  i think the second time will be more and less stressful than the first.  it will be nice to know what to expect with the various procedures, shots, etc. but it will be very nerve-racking to know this will likely be our last shot at having a biological child.  it will take us a long time to pay back the debt we have already accumulated with this cycle.  with that being said, we have no regrets.  josh or i neither one feel we made a mistake in trying and although this feeling right now is incredibly painful we both still feel positive this process will work for us.

we have decided to take a little mini-vacation to hermann for our anniversary to get away from everything and try to figure out where to go from here.  we found a cute little cottage that allows large dogs so we will be able to take kemper along.  it says they have to be "well-behaved" but i will pretend i didn't see that.  josh says i am going to have to build my tolerance up if we are going to be spending a weekend in wine country:)  i am very much looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend away.  one year ago today we were on a plane to cabo san lucas, i think i could use that vacation ten times more this year.

i allowed myself two days to eat whatever i wanted and am now getting back on track.  i am still juicing everyday and eating healthy.  i haven't had any caffeine since the diet coke on the day we found out the results.  i have, of course, indulged in a few glasses of vino but nothing in excess.  i would like to shed a few pounds before we begin our next cycle or i am going to look preggers by the time it wraps up.  they say you put on approximately ten pounds with every cycle and they aren't kidding!  i was eating healthier than i ever have and still put on ten pounds.  of course, i wasn't allowed to exercise but still!  i also plan to continue with acupuncture as i believe 100% it helped if only mentally.

josh and i both are incredibly grateful for everyone who has reached out to us in the past few days.  i know we haven't been in touch with everyone who has done so but please know how thankful we are.  i know that everyone is incredibly busy with their own lives so the fact that so many of you have taken the time to call or drop by is astonishing.  we feel incredibly lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people.

uncomfortably numb

negative.  i have been thinking for an hour now about the best way to relay the news but the fact is there is absolutely no way to sugar coat it.  negative.  it is still very difficult to wrap our brains around.  negative.  it doesn't even sound right when i say it aloud to myself.  its like such a word should not even exist.

i know this is going to sound very crazy but i knew before the phone even rang.  i was very positive the first several days but the last two i have felt very aware that it was not going to be good news.  i know that everyone has these feelings that creep in during this process but i believe this was different.  i just knew.  something changed in the midst of the longest eight days of my life and i could feel it in my bones that it wasn't going to go our way.  don't get me wrong, i tried to convince myself that what i was feeling wasn't real but somewhere deep down i knew it was.

there would be no way for josh or i either one to express what we feel right now.  i don't think it could be put into words.  it is such a strange feeling to know they were inside of me, even if they only survived one second they were a part of me and now they are gone.  where did they go?  why didn't they make it?  it is so easy to say "it wasn't meant to be right now" or "this just isn't your time" or "god has different plans for you" and i have used some of those phrases myself but it is pretty hard to convince myself that any of them make sense right now.  if there is someone calling the shots and they have decided that this isn't our time than i would like to know why.  we deserved this.  we really, really deserved this.  we worked hard and we did everything they told us to and it should have worked for us.  there are so many babies born each day to parents who will never love them they way josh or i could.

it is hard to know what to do from here.  i know we need to take time to grieve the loss before we make any decisions at all.  over $20,000 down the drain.  absolutely nothing to show for it except ten extra pounds from the hormone injections and a bruised behind from the intramuscular shots.  i was at a wedding shower for a dear friend this past friday and during a speech given by the bride's aunt the statement "if you wait until you can afford a child you will never have one" was made.  this has been on my mind ever since and especially so today.  this whole experience has made me realize what is really important in life and it is not things.  it is family and friends, not the latest shoes, purse or car.  these are not the things we remember when we are 80 years old.  they mean nothing.  but where do we draw the line?  when we are $40,000...$60,000...$80,000 in debt?  how do you put a price on such a gift?  i know neither of us are in the right frame of mind to make that decision right now.  i am definitely not giving up on the powerball.  if anyone we know should win and would like to throw $20,000 at us that would be fantastic.  actually, make that $25,000, i could really use a vacation right now.

i tried to convince myself earlier that at least for now i could relish in some of the things that i have been forbidden from like baths, diet coke, dairy, wine, and so on but it hasn't done much good.  emily brought me a diet coke which i though would be the highlight of my day but it didn't even taste good.  i did take a nice bath but think i will stay away from the vino, i don't think mixing alcohol with this state of mind would be the wisest choice.

so, that is that.  now, we have to figure out where to go from here.  back to square one minus a lot of time and money.  i honestly barely remember the phone call from brandi but i am pretty sure they told us at one point that if it came back negative we would have a follow-up consultation in a couple of weeks.  until then we are going to try to pull ourselves together.  we appreciate all of the people who reached out to us today, we promise to get in touch with all of you when it feels right.

signs, signs, anywhere a sign?

i think this has seriously been the longest 6 days of my entire life.  it is almost like time has literally stood still.  i tricked myself into believing that because jason, jodi and rayna are here it would just fly by.  while having them here has been the best distraction imaginable it still feels like i will never make it to our blood test on thursday.  bed rest was okay.  i think i thought it would be more enjoyable but honestly after about 2 hours i was ready to get up and move around.  thank goodness for all of the wonderful friends and family that came to visit or gave me a call.  i seriously think i laughed harder in that two days then i have in a long time.  i will say having josh at my beck and call for the entire two days was nothing short of awesome:)

i believe i am handling this to the best of my ability.  i haven't been incredibly stressed out and am just trying to take it one day at a time.  this has just been such a roller coaster ride, the ups and downs can definitely make you nauseous at times.  i am remaining positive and still believe it is going to work but i have to admit every now and then the worst creeps into my mind.  i can't imagine anyone going through this that could say differently.  i keep imaging the phone call "hello jessica, this is brandi calling with great news...." but for about every 10 times i imagine that phone call i imagine one that will leave josh and i both completely devastated.  at first i tried to push those thoughts out but i decided it was consuming too much energy so i have decided it is much easier to succumb to it and then proceed along with the positive thoughts.

the doctor was clear that i would not feel any pregnancy symptoms and intellectually i know that i won't but emotionally i wish every night i would wake up with morning sickness.  i almost took a home pregnancy test today which the doctor and every book i have read strongly discourages considering i would be less than a week pregnant.  i was able to fight off the urge knowing that even if i am pregnant it would likely come back negative and i would inevitably be disappointed.  i just wish i had some sort of sign that it worked.  something, anything at all.  and maybe they are there but i am just overlooking them.  it is so difficult right now because we question everything.

anywho, we are more than half-way through now.  i know that josh and i will survive whatever the news, we are just so anxious to hear what it is.  i know everyone will be anxious to hear what we find out and i will update as soon as i can.  obviously, in a more traditional situation we would not make the announcement until further than 8 days along in the pregnancy, but we have allowed everyone in so far and feel it wouldn't be right to keep you waiting!

oh baby

sheesh.  what a day.  we got up this morning bright and early to head to our transfer.  it was definitely a jumbled up mix of emotions...excited, scared, emotional...while fixing my hair i was actually crying and smiling at the same time.  everything we have been doing has led up to this day, this was the one that truly counts.  i was able to take my valium at 9:00 so at that point all of my emotions pretty much balanced out.  they took us back to the transfer room about 10:00 and informed us that they were going to transfer two.  i am not sure but i think i let out a loud moan.  only one of them is an actual blastocyst but they thought if they went ahead and inserted the other it might catch up and continue to grow inside of me.  they rated both of them as fair.  they wanted to be upfront about the fact that they are not excellent quality embryos.  dr. brabec estimated our odds of success at about 35-40%.  i am choosing to believe those are good odds.

the whole procedure took less than ten minutes which just seems crazy to me.  for as technical and time consuming this whole process has been it is kind of ironic that the big day takes up the least amount of time.  they inserted the catheter, showed us our embryos on a screen and then proceeded to insert them.  i then asked the doctor my five thousand questions for the day, they made me lay there for 15 minutes and we were on our way.  crazy.

from rrc we headed to my acupuncture appointment which was fabulous as always.  she said my pulse felt really great and my body seemed relaxed which will certainly help.  she also told me she would recommend i stay off dairy for at least two weeks.  apparently dairy products cause your body to be "damp" which causes mucus build-up in the body that can make it difficult for the little nuggets to implant.  at first i thought this would be no big deal until josh reminded me on the way home that sour cream and butter are dairy products.  what can i say, i am not functioning on all cylinders these days:)  honestly, i would hop on one leg and sing show tunes at this point if someone told me it would help.

they allowed us to take pictures of the embryos before transfer which was pretty cool and i have posted them below.  the one on top is the blastocyst.  if you look carefully you can see how it is split into two sections, one is the baby and one is the placenta.  the other one is not that far developed yet.  so fascinating.  they are the size of a spec of dust at this point, it is truly hard to believe.

josh and i both feel very good.  we feel extremely positive.  i find myself constantly rubbing my belly sending those babies all the love and energy i have.  hopefully by now they have found their way to my uterine wall and attached themselves nicely.  i feel a lot better now that they are inside of me instead of some incubator.  while we were in the transfer room and they said they were going to go get them out of the incubator, josh said he hopes we don't have a chicken:)    i am on bed rest today and tomorrow which will be some nice down time.  i go in next thursday for my blood test and will have the results on friday so if you don't hear from me by then i will be sure to update with whatever news we get!

ignorance is bliss

i recant my previous statement that "knowing is half the battle."  stupid g.i. joe.  i think knowing might be the entire battle especially when what you know makes you feel as if you have been hit by a train.  our phone call this morning wasn't the news we wanted to hear.  i am sure that is a shock given my previous cheery statements.  the lab technician believes we will only have one blast to transfer tomorrow.  this obviously decreases the chance for success as they like to have two for transfer.  there is one that could possibly catch up in the next 24 but they believe it is unlikely at this point.  so, i had my pity party (thank you emily for being there during my ugly cry) and now it is time to suck it up and get prepared for tomorrow.  i can't let this get me down as the one blast that we have needs all of my attention for tomorrow morning's transfer.

our appointment is scheduled for 9:45 tomorrow morning.  they will take josh and i back and show us our embryo on the monitor before they insert her.  come on, you don't possibly think i am having a boy???  i have to lay there for 15 minutes and then i am allowed to go.  we will then head over to the wellness connection for acupuncture and then home for two days of bed rest.  josh told me this morning that i could make him a honey do list while i am out of commission, i think that could be quite enjoyable:)  jason, jodi and rayna will be here thursday evening from portland and i am just dying to get my hands on that baby!  i am hoping she will send some positive baby vibes.  i will update tomorrow after transfer if josh lets me use my computer.  he is taking this bed rest thing very seriously...

blast off

just when we though we were in the clear.  we did get good news this morning as all four embryos are still kickin', however, the next 24 hours is very important.  they will transfer the embryos to a new medium today to hopefully develop into blastocysts.  let me attempt to explain...up until several years ago this would be the day of transfer.  because on day three it is difficult to predict what embryos would be most likely to result in pregnancy four or more embryos would usually be transfered with hopes that at least one would result in live birth. the downside is that sometimes all the embryos become ongoing pregnancies and the result is high-order multiple gestations (triplets or greater).  In such pregnancies there are considerable medical risks as well as financial and emotional.  So the couple would be faced with the agonizing decision of whether to opt for selective reduction (the removal of one or more embryo) or to continue with a risky pregnancy. 

however, with blastocyst transfer, only two or three embryos are transferred practically eliminating the possibility of triplets or greater.  and the same pregnancy rates are achieved as would be expected when four or more embryos are transferred on day three.  i should probably mention that a blastocyst (referred to as blasts) is a highly developed embryo that has divided many times to a point where it is nearly ready to implant on the walls of the uterus.


during maturation, an embryo rests inside a protective shell called a zona pellucida.  you can think of this protective shell as being much like a chicken egg.  but, unlike chicken eggs, human embryos do not remain inside a shell.  instead, the embryo hatches (breaks out of the shell) on the fifth or sixth day so it can attach to the uterine wall (implantation).  just prior to hatching an embryo becomes a blast.

embryos developing to the critical blastocyst stage have a much greater chance of implanting successfully and resulting in an ongoing pregnancy.  that is because these embryos have passed an important test.  during the first few days, the embryo relies on the mother's eggs for all its  nutrients.  however, in order to survive past day three or four, the embryo must activate its own genes.  not all embryos are successful.  yet, these embryos are more highly-developed, healthier, stronger and have a higher rate of implantation when compared to day three embryos.  due to higher probability of survival, they only have to implant one or two blasts.

clear as mud?  in know, welcome to my world.  i better wrap up for now and try to figure out how in the hell i am going to get through the next 24 hours.  i have an acupuncture appointment this morning so hopefully shamayne can balance me out a bit.  oh yeah, josh gave me my first intramuscular shot last night and it wasn't bad at all.  i am starting to think he should go to medical school:)  maybe that is how we can pay for all of this...