fine young canninals

there are not words to describe how much i love this video...

playtime

the first time the babes played on their baby einstein mat that josh is obsessed with:)  he was so happy they enjoy it.

labor of love

i guess it is about time i update this this thing before i forget everything that has happened in the past four weeks!  i can hardly remember what i did fifteen minutes ago, although i am sure it either involved a bottle or a diaper, so bare with me as i try to recall the events post children's mercy.  we ended up having to stay at children's mercy an extra twenty-four hours past the day we were set to be released which almost put me over the edge.  long story short, we ended up with a nurse on his first night on the job who became over-zealous and gave potter oxygen in middle of the night when she did not need it.  it was probably the most frustrating twenty-four hours of the whole stay.  it was so painful because we knew the doctor was making us stay because such event was charted and they didn't want to be liable should something happen when we got home, which they did not at all forsee.  don't get me wrong, if the doctor told us either one of them needed to stay because of genuine concern, i would have stayed the entire year, it was just overwhelming to know that we were there to cover someones tail.  i guess, on the bright side, there was nothing wrong with her but at that point we were so ready to go home it was absolutely heartbreaking to find out we would be there another night.  and everyone kept saying "it's only another twenty-four hours" which made me want to kill people.  another twenty-four hours in the hospital where you have already spent the previous three weeks seems like a lifetime.  nonetheless, the next morning came and we were finally on our way home!  josh drove, and i rode in back with the babes.  it felt so good to be free as cheesy as that sounds.  it made me happy to have sunlight on all of our faces.  they seemed to enjoy it as well and did not make a peep the whole drive home.  the second we got home it finally felt like all was right with the world again.

the first two weeks josh stayed home with us which was nice because it really allowed us to get settled into a routine.  one of the silver linings of staying at children's mercy for so long was we had already figured a lot of stuff out and managed to have the girls on a schedule.  we feel very blessed as they are both really good babies.  they both definitely have their own personality already but are very much alike in their temperament.  all of the things that seemed impossible before...holding them simultaneously, feeding them simultaneously, changing five thousand diapers a day...we could now write a book on.  when josh had to go back to work and i had to figure out how to do all of those things solo was one of the most terrifying experiences ever but we survived.  and quite well i might add.  its always worse than you think it is going to be in your head.  their big brother, kemper, has been absolutely wonderful.  at least one hundred times better than i could have imagined.  i can't wait until they are big enough that the three of them can play together.  actually, i don't want that to come too soon but can imagine it will be a lot of fun.

of course, we have had a few bumps in the road.  potter is really congested all of the time which the doctor said is completely normal.  i just hate feeling like i can't do anything for her.  she sounds absolutely awful sometimes.  i have nursed them both exclusively until this weekend when we had to begin supplementing with formula because i developed infectious mastitis early in the week which caused my supply to drop.  i had heard about mastitis and what it was but could have never imagined it could be so painful.  i had a temp of nearly 102 for three days accompanied by the worst chills and body aches i have ever had.  and i can't even begin to put into words how my boobs feel.  i had to stop nursing them and pump exclusively until i am healed and then hopefully my supply will increase to what is was before and they can go back to getting only breast-milk.  breastfeeding two babies is definitely a labor of love but i truly enjoy it.  it gives me an opportunity to bond with each baby individually which i enjoy.  although, sometimes in middle of the night i am not sure which baby i am bonding with:)  a couple of weeks ago they began sucking on each others heads when they get hungry which is probably the most adorable thing i have ever seen.  finley's hair will literally be matted up in the back where potter sucks on it.  i have lots of video i can use to blackmail them in the future.

i know i say this every time, but i am going to get better about updating this thing.  i know i didn't include a lot of details today but i felt i needed to get everyone caught up and then i can start documenting all of the funny -and not so funny- stuff that they do.  even if it is just to jot down a quick paragraph, i know i need to get these stories out while they are still in my head.  josh and i both feel so incredibly blessed that we finally have our babes.  it truly feels as if everything in life has come full circle.  we are so grateful to everyone who has supported us on this journey.  a very special thanks to everyone who helped while we were in children's mercy and since we have been home.  i honestly don't know how we would have eaten if it weren't for so many wonderful friends and family members.  i am pretty sure you could not find two happier - or more sleep deprived - people on the planet right now.  josh and i are both happier than we could ever be with our new family.  much love to all.

what the beep

it finally looks as if we are nearing the end of our stay here at children's mercy although i don't think either of us will believe it 100% until we are on the road.  there is no way i could put into words how ready josh and i are to take our babes home.  it probably sounds crazy given all we have gone through thus far but in some way it feels as if our new journey into parenthood has yet to begin.  i don't think it will feel entirely real (for me anyway) until we are nestled in at home.  there have been so many ups and downs over the past almost three weeks it is unbelievable.  however, since we moved to a family room it has been much easier on all of us i believe.  sure, we are up every two hours feeding and could not keep up with diaper changes if we tried but it is wonderful.  completely and utterly exhausting but wonderful.  that has honestly not been the stressful part, we knew that was going to be life for sometime to come.  it is being trapped within these four walls waiting for word that has been positively exhausting.  that, and the monitors.  i swear to goodness i will be hearing beeps for the next 6 months.  the nerve-racking part is most of the times the monitors go off it means nothing at all but of course it freaks us out every time!  the babes are fattening up fast which is wonderful. as of last night finley was back to her birth weight of 5 lbs 9 oz and potter had exceeded hers by 6 ounces weighing in at 4 lbs 12 ounces.  i am literally a milk machine which is helping them grow strong.  it is the most unbelievable thing i have ever seen.  as of today we have 62 bottles of frozen breast milk!  that will certainly come in handy when they begin daycare, not to mention if josh and i want to escape the house for a few hours.  i feel like i have a lot more to add and will hopefully have time soon but right now the munchkins are screaming for dinner so i better scoot.  we will let everyone know when we finally get home.  as usual, we appreciate all of the love and support from everyone!

nurses, nursing and the nicu

let's begin with the nursing staff at children's mercy. i should note that with the exception of the two we had yesterday they have all been fabulous. i am not sure if they both woke up on the wrong side of the bed or what the hell was going on with them but they were downright rude. i had to show them the not so nice side of jessica which i try to break out only when completely necessary and justified. let's just say i got my point across.  for those of you that have seen it, i'm sure you can picture how it went down.  i am quite positive that you get extra points when interviewing for a nursing position here if you are under the age of 30 and absolutely adorable. not exactly a self-esteem boost when you are carrying 500 extra pounds, haven't showered in days, and are waddling around because you are still recovering from surgery. not to mention the fact that i burst into uncontrollable tears randomly throughout the day. and, of course, they are all in love with my husband. and who wouldn't be. one of the first days i was here two little blonde nurses came up to josh and was like "hey josh (cutesy baby voice) how are your little girls doing." after he caught them up on progress i said "i see you have been making new friends while i was laid up in the hospital (sarcastic jessica voice)." he then explained to me that he is just trying to be super nice to them since they are taking care of the babes. uh huh. he really is the cutest thing you have ever seen, i must admit. we had planned on doing kangaroo care (skin to skin contact with mom and dad that promotes bonding and nursing) anyway but it became even more important when they were born at 35 weeks. so, every time i nurse josh takes his shirt off and snuggles with the opposite babe. from what i have seen there are not a lot of dads here so i am sure it is nice for all of them to see one that is so involved. he has to go back to work tomorrow which neither one of us is very excited about but he wants to save his 2nd week off for when we are at home which makes a lot of sense.  he definitely helps balance me out so i am a bit nervous about how things will go in his absence.  him being there to cheer me on in particular with keeping up the nursing has been a big support. my mom and barb are going to try to be here to help me as much as possible which is a huge relief. 

if there is any saving grace in this whole mess it is the fortune i have had with nursing both of the babes. it is so important to both josh and i that i do so and i can't even fathom how much stress it would add if it didn't work out. the lactation consultants have been working with us every day and i have no doubt we wouldn't have made such strides without them. it is quite a grueling process though, i won't lie. i literally feed one, feed the other, then pump, feed one, feed the other, then pump.  you get the idea.  although grueling, it is also one of the most rewarding things i have been able to do throughout this process.  i love that it is something that only i can share with them.  and i love that it is helping them get stronger and therefore home faster.

the doc told us yesterday morning that we are able to move out of the nicu and into a private room as soon as there is one available.  this is major progress and a great sign that the babes are getting stronger.  although i am thrilled to hear the news it is utterly painful to sit and wait for a room to come available.  we all know patience is not a virtue of mine.  nonetheless, this will allow us to move out of the ronald mcdonald house and into a room where we can stay as a family.  it literally breaks my heart that the babes haven't really got to meet one another yet.  to spend 35 weeks in utero together only to be separated must be somewhat confusing.  i just can't hardly wait for them to snuggle up to one another. 

as for josh and i, we are hanging in there.  there are days that i have wondered why i keep ending up in these situations where i have to be stronger than i want to be but such is life.  to be perfectly blunt, i feel like after all that we have gone through to get here we deserved for this to go differently.  i have always been a firm believer in karma but i don't feel like i have done enough bad deeds in my almost 32 years to warrant this.  and i know josh hasn't.  when i start to feel this way i try to take a look around the nicu at all the babies who don't have families there with them and are having far worse problems than our babes.  sometimes it interrupts the pity party, sometimes not. 

as usual, i will do my best to keep everyone up to date and informed.  it is actually very therapeutic for me to get these thoughts out of my head.  i can't wait to get them home where they are able to meet everyone who has been so supportive of us in this process.  our cup runneth over....

side note - i swear to goodness i just heard "paging dr. jack daniels" over the intercom...

twinsanity

i am not quite sure where to begin! i guess i first need to make an amendment to my previous post. you know, the one where i go on and on about how i could stay pregnant forever and i feel fabulous. yea, that all changed in the third trimester. my legs and feet became insanely swollen, i developed pregnancy-related carpal tunnel, severe round ligament pain, along with all the other fun pregnancy side-effects...heartburn, insomnia, the list goes on and on.

all of the pregnancy related stuff seems so unimportant now that the babes are here so I will just get to the story everyone wants to hear. i woke up last thursday morning about 7:30 with contractions, they were not incredibly intense and were mostly sporadic. we had a series of contractions that were approximately 7 minutes apart lasting anywhere from 30-60 seconds. we assumed we were in pre-labor but decided to call the doctor's office to let them know as my blood pressure had been really high and that combined with the severe swelling in my legs and feet the doctors were concerned about pre-eclampsia. of course, when i called my doctor's office and said "i am 35 weeks pregnant with twins and having contractions" they wanted me to go to ob to get checked out. so, off we went. little did we know this would be our first of three trips that day. after getting checked out at ob it was determined that i was in labor although i was not dilated or effaced at all. they sent me home and told me it "could be tonight, it could be a month from now." later that evening i was talking on the phone to my friend betsy when i got a really strong contraction. so strong i had no choice but to hang up on her...sorry about that bets:) this was much different than the ones i had earlier in the morning and i had not felt many at all that afternoon so i knew something was different. i had another one about 7 minutes later and had a very short burst of water at the end of it. we were quite certain my water had broken and although i had been told by my doctor that i could labor a good deal at home she wanted me to come in immediately if my water broke...so, back to ob we went. when i arrived they tested for amniotic fluid and it was negative! everything else seemed fine so back home we went. i let everyone know it was a false alarm and we were headed to bed so no one should hear from us again that evening. now, i understand the next part of this story seems almost unimaginable and if someone were to tell it to me i would probably think it was a complete exaggeration but i promise you it is 100% accurate. we pulled into the garage and as i was stepping out of the car josh said "wouldn't it be funny if your water broke" and that instant i felt a large gush that soaked my entire pants. i was literally standing in a puddle in our garage. we both looked at each other and began laughing hysterically. there was absolutely no doubt this time, my water had broken. so, i cleaned up, changed my pants, gave kemper a kiss goodbye and back to ob we went. when we arrived at ob this time they went ahead and tested to make sure it was amniotic fluid and of course it was positive. this was it. omg. my doctor came in and because my water had broken, but i was not progressing in labor and baby b was still breech we decided to proceed with a c-section. everything moved pretty quick from here. they took me back to the operating room to do the spinal block and then brought josh back to be with me at the beginning of surgery. from here there really are no words to describe what happened next. although my stomach seemed to be deadened it was not so after they got in there to remove the babies. apparently i had a few "hot pockets" that had not completely went numb and i could feel a lot more pain than you normally would. i didn't get any additional pain meds until the babies were out so to say the least it was a pretty painful experience. after the babies were removed i was able to see both of them as they laid them on my shoulder. baby a was born at 1:05 weighing 5 lbs 9 oz and baby b was born at 1:06 weighing 4 lbs 6 oz. shortly after as they were removing the placentas i was experiencing quite a lot of pain and long story short i was not numb and it turned into a scene from the exorcist and they had to put me out. next thing i know i am waking up in the recovery room hours later having no idea what happened. i would normally try to make light of the situation but there really is no way. it was awful. completely awful. utterly horrific. you get the idea. the next several hours were honestly quite a blur. because i was still so out of it i didn't get to see the girls again until almost 11:00 on friday. josh stayed with them most of the time checking on me periodically. it finally came time to see them and we went down together. we were not allowed to hold them but were able to touch. it was such a beautiful experience to get to see them. we decided to name baby a finley morel rhodes and baby b potter joon rhodes. it is interesting because josie belle was at the top of our list most of the pregnancy but it just didn't fit either one of them! after hanging with them for awhile we decided to go back to our room and try to get some rest. about 30 minutes later the doctor came in to inform us that they would like to move the girls to children's mercy hospital due to respiratory issues common with babies born at 35 weeks. we made the decision to send josh along with the girls since i was not able to be released from the hospital yet. of course this was a difficult decision but we both knew it was the right decision. the next few days were no doubt the most difficult but with the help of our friends and family we were able to survive. josh kept me updated as i focused on pumping as much as i could as the doctors feel breast milk will help them tremendously. this process really helped as it allowed me to feel like i was able to help from a distance. i was finally released from the hospital late sunday afternoon and off to children's mercy we went. as we pulled up to the front door josh was waiting there for me with a wheel chair. next to the moment i saw the girls for the first time this was probably the most incredible moment of my life. it tops the moment i married him and even the moment we found out we were pregnant. to see his eyes light up and the relief he had on his face was one of the most amazing things ever. i can't imagine how hard it must have been for him to leave me behind. the first day and a half here were pretty rough to say the least but each day seems to be getting a little better. as of today i am breast feeding them both which is nice. i have been able to produce enough milk for the both of them which is wonderful. it has been a struggle as they are preemies to teach them how to latch on but the lactation team here is wonderful and will come down for every feeding if i need help so we have been taking full advantage of that. we were able to get a room at the ronald mcdonald house across the street which is a huge help financially and otherwise. it is not the ritz by any means but we are so exhausted by the time we get there i think we could probably sleep in the parking lot. i am healing pretty well. not getting around real quick but we are making due. i think josh thought it would be easier when i got here but now he has 3 babies to take care of! the girls are getting stronger every day. finley is a few days behind potter but we are hoping she can catch up and they will be released at the same time. in regards to when that will be, we really have no idea. could be a week, could be a month. they have to be able to maintain feedings on the breast, regulate their own temperature and something else that i honestly can't think of right now. it is interesting how they have their own little personalities already. i feel like we are getting to know them more and more everyday. i have been writing this post in 20 minute increments while i pump so i apologize if i have repeated myself or if some of it seems scattered. my thoughts, as you can imagine, are pretty scattered right now. i will do my best to post even the smallest amount of new information i have as time allows. we are so grateful for all of the love and support from everyone. i don't know how we would have survived thus far without our friends and family. much love to you all.  - josh, jess, finley and potter

large and in charge

i seriously believed that having a job that gives me the months of june and july off would allow me to get so much accomplished.  it is july 7th and it seems the most significant thing i have accomplished is making my to-do list.  since updating my blog is on that list and i can do it from my couch while simultaneously watching horrible reality tv it seems like the best thing to check off on this rainy, muggy morning. 

since my last post there has been a lot of exciting things happen.  first and foremost, we found out that we are having two girls which of course makes me smile from ear to ear.  josh, on the other hand, had to be placed on suicide watch for a few days but seems to have finally recovered.  he has now convinced himself that at least one of them will still be an all-state wrestler.  judging by the way they kick and punch me all day long i am starting to think he may be right.  i sure do love them but they are violent little babies!  all of our doctors appointments have gone well except one minor little hiccup that doesn't seem to be of any concern at present time.  we found out at our last ultrasound that baby b has a singular umbilical artery.  apparently this is not uncommon in twin pregnancies and as long as she continues to grow there should not be any problem at all.  judging by the way my clothes fit i am pretty sure they are continuing to grow:)  baby a is head down which is ideal and baby b is transverse which is not ideal for a vaginal delivery but she has plenty of time to spin herself down into the correct position.  i have faith that she will cooperate.  afterall, my kids are always going to do what their mother wants them to:)

we spent 7 nights in siesta key, florida with my mom and bill, cass, jd, maddox and zoe which was a fabulous getaway.  it made me even more excited to add a few more ornery butts to the mix.  i am so grateful i got to be there the first time maddox and zoe saw the ocean, it was truly a priceless vacation.  not to mention, i learned that people in general are extremely nice to you when you're pregnant.  i was even allowed to pick a treat from the first-class basket on our flight home which is a total bonus if you ask me!   Why yes, i will have a candy bar (or 3) over those bags of peanuts you are slinging back in coach.  i am happy that we had one last peaceful getaway before all hell breaks loose this fall.

josh and i attended our final bradlely birth class last night so i guess i am officially prepared to birth these little rascals.  it has been an interesting 12 weeks to say the least.  i probably should have kept some sort of running list of the questions josh asked.  don't get me wrong, i learned a whole lot that i had no idea about, but it was incredibly entertaining to listen to the husbands in our class.  i always knew i was fortunate that cass gave me the privilege to be present at the births of maddox and zoe but i think now more than ever having some idea of how things work will be helpful.  it's honestly not the labor and birth part that i am scared of.  don't get me wrong, i by no means think it is any sort of cake walk.  like i said, i have seen it live twice and have no delusional thoughts that it is anywhere close to easy.  with that said, i feel very confident that i have the mental and physical strength i need to manage.  besides, no amount of physical pain could be worse than the mental anguish we have endured just trying to get to this point.  what terrifies me is when we get home.  i just keep picturing us walking in with both our girls, who will likely still be baby a and baby b at that point because we will never decide on names, and having no clue what to do!  i feel more confident in the first two weeks as josh will be there with me but i am scared to death of what to do when he goes back to work!  i, of course, don't want to give him too much credit but he tends to do better in stressful situations than i do.  i think i tend to feed off of his patience when he is around which will be helpful.  in all seriousness, i know it will be fine, and i don't believe what i am feeling is the least bit abnormal.  i just continue to tell my self to take it one day at a time and it will be all good.

as for the pregnancy part, i couldn't love it more.  i know this will probably be annoying to some but for the most part i feel like i could stay pregnant forever.  maybe it is the reality that this could likely be the only time i get to experience this but i am not anywhere near ready for it to be over.  3 months and 30 more lbs and i may be singing a different tune:)  i feel really, really, really good. 

our next ultrasound is in just a few weeks and i will do my best to update our progress.  we are busy getting the nursery together and i will post some pics when it is complete.  much love until then!

puppy love

holy hell it has been a long time since i updated this thing!  i have always heard that things are never the same after children are introduced but this is a bit dramatic, i have barely completed my first trimester!  i am not sure where we left off so bear with me as i try to get everyone up to speed.  for all of the turmoil it has taken to get here, things sure are going along smooth as can be now.  i made it through my first trimester with very few pregnancy symptoms, so few that there were times that i was concerned they had made a mistake!  I had an ultrasound this past monday (16 1/2 weeks) and hoped we might be able to determine the sex of at least one of the little monsters but no such luck.  it was undoubtedly one of the craziest, coolest, strangest things i have ever seen.  the babies were completely spastic!  kicking each other in the head, flailing their tiny little arms around and practically doing acrobatics.  it is still hard to believe that is going on in my tummy.  i am still trying to figure out how this is all going to work.

josh and i have started taking our twelve week bradley birth classes which i am quite sure could be turned into a reality show.  seriously, we could pay off our ivf debt in an instant if someone would come film this stuff.  there are seven couples attending and we lucked out with an awesome instructor.  we have to drive to overland park every wednesday night and the classes last from 7:00-9:30 which i was kind of concerned about at first (considering my bed time is approx 8:00:) but the car time has been a wonderful time for us to discuss...well, all of the things that need to be discussed.  its seems in some ways josh and i have completely switched roles in this pregnancy, him turning into the more neurotic one.  in a completely adorable way of course.  we have assignments each week along with a book to read and he is constantly bugging me about whether or not i have done my homework and i am like, whatever, get me another pudding cup please.  i guess it is probably all of the craziness it took to get here but i feel strangely calm. wonderfully, blissfully calm.  i know this would sound obnoxious to some, but i am head over heels in love with this experience.  as we approach the halfway mark i find myself wishing it would slow down just a tad.  of course, if i were throwing up seven times a day i would probably feel much different!  although calm, i pretty much fall right into the over-the-top first-time mom category.  i have ordered close to ten different books and immerse myself in all of the information i can get my hands on.  i have learned for the most part to stay away from the internet and all of its scariness but can not get enough of learning about this process.  knowledge is power, right?

there is one thing that keeps me up at night.  oddly enough, it is not the labor, delivery or even that first few weeks at home.  i know this will not be a surprise to most...but it is my precious, loving, ornery, chunk of fur known as kemper, aka spongebobby, peanut-head, bebo, tuna-salad...the list goes on and on.  he truly is our first born child.  he has brought a joy into our lives that i did not know existed and i am completely stressed out at the thought of him feeling left out.  i have not been very emotional throughout this pregnancy (i swear my hormones are different than the normal pregnant woman's) but the times i have broke down and cried (not including last week's episode of the office) have been about kemper!  i know all of you moms reading this are thinking "girl is crazy, she isn't going to know who kemper is when those babies get here" but i am going to make a valid effort to make sure he feels every bit of loved as he does now.  there were times over the last few years that i questioned if he would be the closest thing to a child that i got to experience and i have treated him as so.  granted, my behavior has created a spoiled rotten animal who i am pretty sure has never considered he is a dog but nonetheless.  i sure do love that little booger.

we could not have survived these last several years without the overwhelming support of our friends and family and we are so excited to finally enter the celebratory part of the daunting process it took to get here.  i don't want to say that we are a burden because that is what family and friends are for but it is such a relief to call and talk about joyful things like baby room decor, names, etc. instead of when our next ivf cycle begins.  i will stop before this starts to sound anymore like and academy award speech but just let me say to those of you (and you know who you are) that were there for josh and i through all of the anger, sadness, and at times utter hopelessness that we would not be here without each and everyone of you.  we can only hope that our growing family can be the same to you as you have been to us.  much love.

p.s.  i will try to be better about updating this thing:)

twice as nice

after a nasty text from my good buddy, j-dub, i have decided it is probably time to update our blog.  when we left off last time we had received the great news that our blood test was positive and were waiting on our ultrasound.  when we arrived at rrc we were nervous but mostly excited to find out what was going on inside my tummy.  right before we went back josh looked at me and asked "how many?" to which i replied "two."  he smiled really big and responded with his gut feeling..."two."  they took us back so dr. brabec could begin the ultrasound.  as i laid on the table and she got the ultrasound ready she asked me how i was feeling.  i told her i was actually feeling very good, the biggest symptom to speak of was this stretching in my lower abdomen.  i was not paying attention to the screen at this time because i was speaking with her.  she responded to my comment by stating with a big smile, "sweetie, that is because of these two babies right there."  omg.  there are two babies in there.  i immediately looked over at josh and desperately wish i had the skills to describe the look on his face.  as we did when we found out that our blood test was positive, josh and i both started cracking up laughing.  no tears.  only full body laughter.  dr. brabec had to ask me to stop so she could get a clear picture of the babies!  we were able to see both of them and hear both of their little heartbeats.  one was measuring 6 weeks, 5 days and the other 6 weeks, 6 days which is great.  their heart rates were 136 and 140 which is also terrific.  we talked to the doctor for quite awhile and are now permanently released from rrc.  omg.  there are two babies in there.

after leaving the clinic we were both a bit shell-shocked.  i am not sure if that feeling will go away for quite some time.  we called josh's mom and brothers and headed straight to my mom's house to tell her, cass, maddox and zoe.  unfortunately, bill and jd could not be there.  i began by telling the kids that uncle josh and aunt jess are having a baby and laid out the ultrasound pictures for all of them to look at.  i knew cass, being a nurse, would be the first to catch that half of them said baby a and the other half baby b.  i assumed she got it when she began screaming at the top of her lungs!  maddox asked what was going on and i told him that there are two babies in my tummy to which he replied "weird."  i could not have said it better myself.  weird.  zoe, our little caretaker, immediately informed us of her plans to feed the babies, change the babies and let them sleep in her room.  later on that evening after we went home, cass text me to say that zoe asked if she could keep one:)  cass said she told her no...i told her not to rule it out, a couple weeks in that might sound like a hell of an offer.

i made an appointment with our family doctor and was thrilled to be able to drive across town for an appointment rather than all the way to overland park!  for my first visit we just talked about pregnancy, what to do and what not to do, and i was able to ask the million questions that we have.  i will see her again on march 24th at eleven weeks and will go in for another ultrasound at twelve weeks.  because all twin pregnancies are considered high-risk i will be spending additional time at the doctor's office which is nothing foreign to me.  if they are both head down i can attempt a vaginal delivery which is my first choice, if one is breech it becomes a little more complicated and my chances for a cesarean section greatly increase.  either way, i will give birth in an operating room with two doctors and possibly a pediatrician.  they would like me to make it to 38 weeks however on average twins come at about 37 weeks.  of course the longer they stay safe and sound in my tummy the less likely they are to have to spend time in nicu.  if i should give birth before 34 weeks i will deliver in overland park.

as far as morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms i have been pretty lucky so far.  i am definitely more tired but haven't felt too sick overall.  some days i am able to eat everything in sight and others i can barely get anything down which is a weird feeling.  i have lost weight but have already gained 5 1/2 inches around my waist! i had one evening that i thought i was having a heart attack but it turned out to be heartburn.  i guess that is what happens when you have a reuben for lunch, a bowling alley burger and fries for dinner and then bowl for three hours.  i won't be making that mistake again:)

josh and i are both thrilled to pieces.  i actually feel very calm and relaxed which can be a chore for me at times.  i am doing my best to enjoy every single day of this wonderful process.  i will try to do a better job of keeping everyone posted and will update after our appointment on the 24th is not before!

one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish...

i apologize for taking so long to check in with everyone.  it has taken some time for us to settle down after receiving our happy news.  as i last reported my hcg level on the day of my first blood test was 180 which is excellent.  they like for it to double every 48 hours which it did, my second was 422 and my third was 2005!  I should note that my third was actually 96 hours after because of the weekend but nonetheless superb news.  we haven't had any contact with rrc since my last blood test.  we go in one week from today for our ultrasound to determine how many implanted, to check for a heartbeat, and confirm that it is not ectopic.  time is standing still to say the least, but it feels like we are on the downhill slide now.

as for symptoms, i have been feeling pretty good so far although i am only 6 weeks today.  i have felt pretty tired and just over the past few days certain smells have been bothering me but nothing major.  the strangest side effect has been that i am freezing all of the time!  for those of you that know josh and i the best, you know that we live like polar bears sleeping with the windows open and fan on year round.  strange, i know.  for the last several weeks, even with our recent heat wave, i have been frigid!  i have been sleeping with four blankets and still shiver half of the night!  apparently, it is fairly common but i had never heard of such a thing!  i truly don't mind any of the symptoms i have been having.  honestly, it is kind of a nice way of assuring me that there is something going on in there.

i feel very good about how things are going.  i think it will officially sink in after our ultrasound next week when we confirm that everything is okay although i am sure it will be.  we are going to stop by casssiy and jd's house afterwards and tell maddox and zoe which i am so excited about!  i am sure they will both be excited but zoe will be over the moon!  everyone keeps asking me if i feel like it is twins and honestly my gut instinct is no.  although, my sister pointed our that when i speak i refer to "them."  could be some crazy subconscious stuff going on .  my mom already refers to them (there i go again) as lily and louie although she has assured me that is just their pre-birth names:)  i just hope there is at least one healthy baby in there and for pete's sake not more than two!

i will check in after our appointment on wednesday to let everyone know how it went.  hopefully i will be able to share our babies first photos!  uh-oh. did i just say babies...plural???

snow angel(s)

i have been sitting here for five minutes with my fingers lingering over the keys wondering how i should begin this post.  the word's "i'm pregnant" still seem like only a version of the truth at this point but the truth is just that.  i'm pregnant.  holy hell, what do i do now?

we embarked on our snow-filled adventure to our hotel last night with the car loaded with blankets, water, warm clothes, enough of my meds to last 4 days in case we were to get stranded, and a shovel.  the drive wasn't bad at all and we arrived to our home for the evening safe and sound.  we went out for a bite to eat, watched three episodes of it's always sunny in philadelphia (always a nice distraction) and called it a night.  of course i did not sleep a wink.  i finally surrendered to the thoughts swirling in my brain at 5:00 and got up.  i turned on the television to find nothing but bad weather reports on every station.  the blizzard was really coming.  we decided around 6:00 to head to the panera bread company right across from our hotel and grab a bite to eat which by this time the snow had started coming down.  we made it to rrc just fine but it was probably the scariest part of the drive as we were immersed in rush hour traffic.  i couldn't help but wonder what kind of jobs all of these people had that could not be put off for a day due to the impending snow storm that was becoming more and more clear was not another mistake by  meteorologists.  upon arriving to the hospital (rrc is attached to overland park regional) i gained a better understanding of where some of them might have been headed.  we got there around 7:00, early as usual, but they went ahead and snuck us in early since we had the long jaunt back to the 'burg ahead of us.  i was in and out in less than three minutes.  i must say, i no longer have any fear whatsoever of needles.

the snow was really coming down now but fortunately the highways weren't all that bad and we had no trouble at...until we got to the 'burg.  we tried to make it up the first hill towards our house and ended up having to slide back down it!  we finally found a safe route home and were able to get settled in only to sit by the phone and wait for it to ring.  it felt like a lifetime but we finally got a call from marge just after noon.  she started the conversation with "i am calling with good news"  which is oddly enough how i had been rehearsing it in my head for the last several weeks.  everything after that is somewhat of a blur.  she told me that my hcg level is 180 and i asked if that was good and she responded "it's excellent."  she told me i need to go back in thursday for another blood test.  this is standard procedure, they like for the hcg to double every 48 hours.  hopefully by then the roads will be in better condition.

after the call, josh and i hugged each other for about thirty seconds before we both started busting out laughing.  after several minutes of laughing he said "i have no idea why we are laughing."  i didn't either but i can tell you it was one of the best feelings i have had in a very long time.  of course, we are not out of the woods yet.  we have no reason to suspect that things will not continue perfectly but it is still very early on.  i am trying not to shout it from the roof tops just yet.  i realize that may seem a tad bit ridiculous as i have launched every sorted detail out into cyberspace but i imagine everyone can understand where i am coming from.  forgive us if we do not call right away with a big announcement, we just want it to feel right for us when we do.  i plan to ask more questions on thursday and will hopefully have more details at that time.  in the meantime, we are going to take advantage of being snowed in and finally get some much needed r and r.  we appreciate all of the positive energy that everyone has been sending our way and have not doubt it has helped immensely.

a flurry of emotions

well, things certainly seem to be going our way this time around.  we ended up with two of josh's embryos on the day of transfer which is terrific news.  i have posted pictures of our precious little ones below.  we also had two left over to freeze, one donor and one josh, for future use.  when we went in for transfer the lab technician came in to greet us and i for the one hundredth time i inquired about the quality:)  her exact response was "girl, they look great...you could have twins!"  omg.  i almost peed my pants.  this was much different from last time as we were promptly notified upon entering the room that neither of the ones they transferred looked very good.

after transfer, i had two excruciating days of bed rest.  i never thought i could be so excited to go back to work!  I was happy to get back into the swing of things and while our pregnancy test is always at the forefront of my mind, i haven't felt all consumed by it as i did last time.  i have tried to keep myself busy without overdoing it and just take it one day at a time.  of course, i am constantly looking for a sign of pregnancy knowing that there will likely not be one this early but i can't imagine anyone in my shoes would not do the same.  i might be one of the only people to wish to wake up with morning sickness!

we go in tomorrow for the much anticipated blood test so the nerves have officially set in.  the predicted 20 inches of snow and ice aren't doing much to alleviate the stress.  why wouldn't our blood test be on the day of the expected "largest snow storm in 20 years?"  it will just make for a better story to tell our kids one day, right?  sheesh.  we are going to go up tonight and stay in a hotel near the clinic just to play it safe.  we were able to find one with covered parking so we won't have to worry about digging our car out in the morning.

i feel very good.  much different than last time, although this whole second round has been much different than last time.  in some ways i feel as if i am acting as if i am already pregnant.  i tried to fight this urge a bit at first but decided just to go with it.  no actions, emotions, thoughts or premonitions could make a negative result any worse tomorrow.  i almost feel as if that isn't even possible.  i felt with every fiber in my body that good news was not coming our way after my blood test last time although i did my best to put on my usual smiley face.  i have always felt that i am very in tune to my body and don't believe that i am just playing tricks on myself.  i feel like tomorrow will begin a glorious new chapter in our life.  i don't feel this way because i think we deserve it (although we do), or because i can't handle it if it isn't (although I am not sure if i can), i just feel this way.  as i laid in the hotel room the night before josh's procedure and the donor's egg retrieval, i felt this overwhelming sense of peace and clarity.  those who know me most know these moments have been few and far between over the last year in particular.  i can't say i knew it was going to work this time, however, i just knew in the pit of my stomach that i was going to be okay either way.  there have been times throughout this whole experience that i have questioned if i would survive it. and many nights i have had to be talked off of the ledge.  i have questioned my strength, my courage, my ability to cope all while dealing with the emotions of being "broken."  i laid there that night thinking about josh and i and how i truly feel we have something that some less fortunate people search their whole life for.  we have each other and if i had to spend the rest of my life with him and only him i could be satisfied. 

we are so fortunate to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends and family.  this would have been unsurvivable without them.  we are off to pack the car with shovels, blankets and all of the necessary items we may need to survive the storm.  i will be in touch soon...

eleven come seven

i am very happy to report that our cycle is off to a very good start.  finally.  josh went in for his procedure this past wednesday where they were able to retrieve sperm again!  the egg donor was there as well for egg retrieval.  it was quite a surreal experience to know that she was in the same building as us.  i am not going to lie, i considered sneaking down to the hospital waiting room to catch a glimpse but was thankfully able to refrain myself.  marge, our ivf nurse, called later that afternoon to report that they had retrieved 11 eggs!  they like to get ten to twelve so this was excellent news.  if you remember, they were only able to retrieve seven from me.  josh and i were thrilled with the news!

they called thursday morning to inform us that seven eggs fertilized!  this in itself is fabulous news, but the icing on the cake is that four of them were fertilized with josh's sperm and three with the donor sperm!  i, of course, was thrilled but josh was over the moon!  things seem to be finally going our way.  they called again this morning with another report and all seven are still kickin'.  out of josh's four, two have divided into four cells, one into 3 cells, and the last into two cells.  with the donor sperm, there are two four cell and one three cell.  they should continue to divide each day so this is great progress.

they will call again in the morning with another count.  talk about living life one day at a time.  sheesh.  after our report in the morning they will transfer the embryos to a new medium making tomorrow the most critical day for our little babies.  prayers, good vibes, positive energy, witchcraft, and voo-doo all welcome.  the report on sunday will likely reflect the number we will have to work with on monday morning when we go in for transfer.  last time, we began with four embryos and ended up with two on the day of transfer.  they will transfer two unless come monday there are only two embryos left, one belonging to the donor and one to josh.  if this should be the case, they will only transfer one and freeze the remaining.  i don't anticipate that happening given our good start but you never know.

josh and i both feel very positive and much more relaxed this time around.  we had to begin the intramuscular shots again which are no fun but not the worst thing in the world.  i am trying not to get my hopes too high for the obvious fear of being let down again but i have a very good feeling about this.  i will be on bed rest the day of and the day after transfer so i will update again the beginning of the week!

cautiously optimistic

i know, i know, this post is a long time coming. i have sat down several times to write it but i always draw a blank.  i must say, not being able to come up with words is a whole new experience for me. it is not only difficult to explain this extremely scientific, tedious process but to get my thoughts out in a way that seems fit as well.  about a month ago, i sat down to try to write and began reading my blog from the beginning instead.  it was one of the strangest experiences i have ever had.  although, i have only been blogging for a year i felt as if i didn't even recognize the person who had typed out each entry.  they seemed like words of an impostor as opposed to mine.  i don't even feel like i am the same person anymore.  i couldn't even begin to explain the toll this whole process has taken on josh and i.  i don't think i need for people to understand it not that anyone could.  at the end of the day, josh is what keeps me sane.  kind of ironic, he is also what makes me insane:)  i suppose that is probably true for any happy couple.  he surprised me with at trip to hermann for nye and it was honestly the best gift he could have given me.  sometimes just getting out of town, out of our daily routine, even for one evening can be so refreshing.  i think after getting away for a bit i am ready to get some of these thoughts out with the hopes of silencing some of the crazy voices in my head.  i will give it my best shot...

we have a lot of catching up to do. i think the last place i left everyone we were searching for an egg donor and were planning to use jason as a partial sperm donor. long story short, the powers that be determined that we are unable to use jason as well. this, of course, sent us into another tailspin. after lots of discussion, we decided to proceed as planned with an egg donor for me and a partial sperm donor for josh. in a nutshell (pun intended), if my donor gets 10 eggs they will put five eggs with josh's sperm and five eggs with the sperm donor’s sperm. the sperm donor is really our back up plan. because we both have a fair amount of fertility issues they are unable to determine why our last cycle did not work. so, if we got 12 healthy eggs from our donor and put them all with josh’s sperm and none of them worked we would know he was a big factor but at that point it would be too late to do anything about it. we can skip over the part where i explain that i am fully aware of how odd this sounds because I have said it all before. no one knows what path they will take until they are at the intersection.

as i stated in a previous post, i had a difficult time choosing an egg donor. josh and i began seeing an infertility counselor that has helped us tremendously throughout this process. she really eased my mind by validating all of the emotions i was feeling. i think more than anything i just needed a break from all of the madness. taking time off from all of the baby talk helped more than anything. so, i have now chosen a donor who i think is just perfect. she completed her first cycle for another patient in october where they retrieved 13 eggs (they like to get 10-12) which resulted in a pregnancy. our nurse said the second cycle, for whatever reason, usually goes better than the first so i feel optimistic. as far as choosing, i went with physical characteristics above all else. she is the exact same height and weight and has brown hair and brown eyes. i didn’t really see the importance of all the other information like what instruments or sports she plays.

in regards to a sperm donor, josh chose his just last week. it is pretty much the same process as the egg donor, you get full medical, emotional and physical information on each donor. josh narrowed it down to five and then we agreed upon the final donor. we ruled out two donors right away and then wrote down the final three in the order we would pick them. of course, his third choice was my first and vice versa you can pay $5 for a childhood photo so we decided to go that route and to see if it helped us decide. as soon as the 3rd photo downloaded (josh’s 1st choice) we both looked at each other in agreement.

so now we have both donors chosen and have begun our second cycle. i began shots the day after christmas and will start estrogen patches tomorrow. i only have one shot this time since we are not using my eggs which is very nice. egg retrieval is scheduled for january 18th, 19th, or 20th with embryo transfer 5 days after that and pregnancy test 8 days after that. so, the latest our pregnancy test should be is february 3. less than a month away!

i will do my best to keep everyone posted on the process from here on out. i feel a lot more calm this time, i think part of me is numb to it and part of me just feels more relaxed. i still feel positive that it is going to work and i think that is most important. we appreciate all of the well wishes and look forward to delivering excellent news in 2011!