insane in the membrane

i normally blog about baby stuff but since we are still waiting to hear results in regards to whether or not we should use jason as a sperm donor i think i will talk about my completely insane week in dc.  i attended a conference in farifax, va, just outside of dc last week and made an impulsive decision to stay and attend jon stewart and stephen colbert’s rally to restore sanity and/or fear.  i had no idea what to expect as i have never been to dc nor attended a rally.  unless you count pep rallies, in which case i have participated in dozens.  let’s hear it for the slater wildcats!  ok, back to the subject at hand.  i arrived in dc on wednesday and promptly checked into my hotel in fairfax and headed back into dc.  my first stop was lunch at oohsandahhs, which is a soul food restaurant that was featured on diners, drive-in's and dives.  it was definitely a dive but the food was delish!  from here i went on my own tour of dc, i saw the white house, capitol, national monument, and much , much more all crammed into one afternoon before i had to head back to virginia to get ready for my conference on thursday and friday.  i left fairfax after my conference on friday and headed towards dc on the metro.  lucky for me, i met a very nice gentleman who was also taking the Metro who helped me find my way otherwise who knows where i would have ended up.  we had a very nice conversation and i learned lots of interesting facts about dc including that i was staying in the same hotel (mayflower renaissance) that eliot spitzer took his hookers and to stand on the right side of the escalator if you do not intend to walk up/down or the locals go bananas.  good to know.   after getting off the metro with help from my first friend in dc I was able to navigate my way to my hotel with only the help of my trusty map.  i checked into my hotel and promptly found the hotel bar.  i never have too much trouble finding that.  one of the best things about visiting the east coast has to be yuengling, a delicious beer brewed at the oldest brewery in america.  i am pretty sure everyone at the bar was attending the rally.  i didn’t come across anyone who wasn’t anyway.  after a few, okay several, yuenglings i headed to find materials for my rally sign.  i came across a cvs and purchased a cardboard packing box and a package of sharpies.  from here i hopped across the street to the liquor store to purchase some liquid inspiration.  i headed back to my room with my screw-top bottle of wine (they discourage traveling with corkscrews these days) and began work on my sign.  i had decided that the front would say “i’m okay with the mosque, it’s walmart that scares me” and the back would say “do what is correct, not what is right or left.”  after spending what felt like an hour on the front I decided it would have to do.  it was no masterpiece but it would serve its purpose.

i knew the rally was supposed to last from 12:00-3:00 with the pre-show beginning at 10:00 but i had no idea what time i should get there.  i set my alarm for 7:00 and decided to figure it out in the morning.  i woke up at 4:30, tossed and turned for an hour and decided to go ahead and get up.  i got ready, packed my bags and headed to the lobby not sure what i was going to do.  when i got downstairs the bellhop asked “going to the rally?” to which i quickly responded “yes” and within minutes was in a cab headed to our nation’s capitol.  i think this was the point that i thought "omg, i have no idea what i am doing."  when the cab driver dropped me off i saw a group of about 10 people walking in direction of the capitol and followed them in.  it was completely pitch black and they could have been hobos for all i knew but i just went with it.  fortunately, they led me to the right place.  there were probably about 500 people there at this time so i made my way to the front and claimed my space.  within minutes i realized that i could have been more prepared.  most people had blankets to sit on, some with chairs.   i would have to improvise.  while waiting in line for a cup of coffee i noticed a women getting ready to throw away a cardboard box.  sweet salvation!  i kindly asked her if i could have it and she obliged.  now i had my own little space three rows back from the front.  by now it was about 6:30 and was still not light outside.  what in the world was i going to do for the next four hours?  i met a very nice couple behind me from ohio, another couple next to me from michigan, and three ladies, (two sisters and a wife of one of the sisters) from southern california that were so nice i decided to unfold my precious cardboard to share with them.  as the day went along some people around us moved or were lost in the crowd but I stuck with these three ladies throughout the day.  after expressing my profound love for wyatt cenac from the daily show, one of them who brought a sharpie wrote “i love you wyatt” on the back of my sign.  finally, i felt complete.  after four hours of sitting in one location we learned a lot about one another.  within the first hour i decided there was no way i was going to make my flight back home to dc and promptly changed my plans so i could leave on sunday.  my new friends were very impressed that I was brave enough to attend such event alone, and if i may brag a bit i was quite impressed with myself as well. 

i could go on and on about the show but that wasn’t really what the day was about for me.  sure that was what drew me there but it was not what i took away from it.  yes, it was great entertainment from the roots, john legend, the ojay’s, ozzy frickin’ ozborne, kid rock, sheryl crow, jeff tweedy, mavis staples cat stevens, jon stewart, stephen colbert, and many more but the coolest thing about it was the people next to me.  of course there were a few nut jobs there but the overwhelming majority were perfectly sane citizens of our wonderful country.  this was not a rally to encourage or persuade people to vote democrat or republican, this was a rally to persuade and encourage people to be kind and respectful.  you cannot turn on the tv anymore without someone screaming and yelling about politics and i personally don’t believe one side is any better than the other.  they are both at fault.  we all, are to some extent, at fault.  we teach our kids from an early age to be kind and have manners and to be respectful even when we don’t get our way and then when we don't get ours we act like children.  i think we could all practice what we preach more often.  i do not agree with a lot of people about a lot of things but that does not make them less than me.  i will not look down on anyone regardless of how crazy i think their views are.  that does not change the fact that i think  some others views are crazy, but it does change the way i react.  i am not a saint, i can judge someone just as easy as the next person but i am going to make a conscious decision to be more accepting of all people.  there have been so many times, often involving politics that i get incensed because i don't understand another's viewpoint.  i don't need to understand their viewpoint, i only need to respect it.  often times the media doesn't even discuss the issues at hand because they are so busy putting one another down.  we should be able to state our varying opinions in a calm, reasonable manner without insulting anyone.  we are adults, and we should act like it.  i get it, I understand that who is in office affects each of us in a certain, most of the time different way.  i have been affected both good and bad over the years but at the end of the day is it really worth raising our blood pressure?  all we can do is inform ourselves the best we can and vote in the manner we see fit.  and if it doesn’t go the way that we wanted than better luck next time.  i do not believe that the people who represent all parties in the media are a good representation of the masses.  i believe most of us are relatively sane.  i am even more sure of this after attending the rally.  anyway, i could go on and on but hopefully you get my point.  if not, that's okay too.  i think jon stewart says it much more eloquently than i ever could so i have attached his closing speech below.  i have also attached some of my favorite rally signs below.  i hope you enjoy them as much as i did!

jon stewart's closing remarks

“I can’t control what people think this was.  I can only tell you my intentions.   This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear.  They are and we do.  But we live now in hard times, not end times.  And we can have animus and not be enemies.
But unfortunately one of our main tools in delineating the two broke.  The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder.  The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.
If we amplify everything we hear nothing.  There are terrorists and racists and Stalinists and theocrats but those are titles that must be earned.  You must have the resume.  Not being able to distinguish between real racists and Tea Partiers or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rick Sanchez is an insult, not only to those people but to the racists themselves who have put in the exhausting effort it takes to hate--just as the inability to distinguish terrorists from Muslims makes us less safe not more.  The press is our immune system.  If we overreact to everything we actually get sicker--and perhaps eczema.
And yet, with that being said, I feel good—strangely, calmly good.  Because the image of Americans that is reflected back to us by our political and media process is false.  It is us through a fun house mirror, and not the good kind that makes you look slim in the waist and maybe taller, but the kind where you have a giant forehead and an ass shaped like a month old pumpkin and one eyeball.
So, why would we work together?  Why would you reach across the aisle to a pumpkin assed forehead eyeball monster?  If the picture of us were true, of course, our inability to solve problems would actually be quite sane and reasonable.  Why would you work with Marxists actively subverting our Constitution or racists and homophobes who see no one’s humanity but their own?  We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is—on the brink of catastrophe—torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do.  We work together to get things done every damn day!
The only place we don’t is here or on cable TV.  But Americans don’t live here or on cable TV.  Where we live our values and principles form the foundations that sustains us while we get things done, not the barriers that prevent us from getting things done.  Most Americans don’t live their lives solely as Democrats, Republicans, liberals or conservatives.  Americans live their lives more as people that are just a little bit late for something they have to do—often something that they do not want to do—but they do it--impossible things every day that are only made possible by the little reasonable compromises that we all make.
Look on the screen. This is where we are. This is who we are.  (points to the Jumbotron screen which show traffic merging into a tunnel).  These cars—that’s a schoolteacher who probably thinks his taxes are too high.  He’s going to work.  There’s another car-a woman with two small kids who can’t really think about anything else right now.  There’s another car, swerving, I don’t even know if you can see it—the lady’s in the NRA and she loves Oprah.  There’s another car—an investment banker, gay, also likes Oprah.  Another car’s a Latino carpenter.  Another car a fundamentalist vacuum salesman.  Atheist obstetrician.  Mormon Jay-Z fan.  But this is us.  Every one of the cars that you see is filled with individuals of strong belief and principles they hold dear—often principles and beliefs in direct opposition to their fellow travelers.
And yet these millions of cars must somehow find a way to squeeze one by one into a mile long 30 foot wide tunnel carved underneath a mighty river.  Carved, by the way, by people who I’m sure had their differences.  And they do it.  Concession by conscession.  You go.  Then I’ll go.  You go. Then I’ll go.  You go then I’ll go. Oh my God, is that an NRA sticker on your car?  Is that an Obama sticker on your car? Well, that’s okay—you go and then I’ll go.
And sure, at some point there will be a selfish jerk who zips up the shoulder and cuts in at the last minute, but that individual is rare and he is scorned and not hired as an analyst.
Because we know instinctively as a people that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light we have to work together. And the truth is, there will always be darkness.  And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the promised land. Sometimes it’s just New Jersey.  But we do it anyway, together.
If you want to know why I’m here and want I want from you, I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me.  Your presence was what I wanted.
Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder.  To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine.  Thank you."

rambling woman

i have been trying to carve out a few minutes over the last few weeks to get some of these thoughts out of my head but i just haven't found time!  i honestly have nothing new to report.  i have been so busy with my new position at ucm and helping main street find a new director that i am meeting myself coming and going.  i still love the new position and could not be happier that i took that leap of faith.  i know i have said it before but i truly believe this job was sent to me.  one of our students with down syndrome performed at the ucm freshmen talent show this past week and it honestly moved me to tears.  the courage that it took for him to get up on that stage is so admirable and we could all learn something from it.  i really enjoy working with the students and feel like they are probably going to change me more than i am them.  some days i can't believe i get paid to do this.

for the first time since we left our last doctor's appointment i got online and looked at some of our possible egg donors.  i realized as soon as i opened the page and a wave of emotion came over me that i have probably shoved everything that is going on a little bit too far down.  i still feel that taking my new job was a nice way to force me to think about something else but i think in a way it has given me an excuse not to deal with everything that is going on.  i guess i am struggling with finding a balance.  i went from our infertility consuming every aspect of my life to not even breathing a word about it.  i am just kind of lost as to how to deal with it.  i don't want to talk about it anymore.  i can feel my chest tighten up when i feel like someone is going to ask me how things are going.  this is a very weird feeling for me.  as most of you know, i like to talk quite a lot.  i can see some of you smiling as i typed those words.  when we were going through our previous treatment i could not wait for the next procedure or appointment.  right now i find myself wishing time would stand still for a bit and january wouldn't come so quick.  i am trying my best to listen to my gut and what it says but i am finding even that difficult.  i do know, if i still feel like this come january there is no way i can proceed with treatment.  i keep having this image of josh and i pushing the stroller with our child and running into someone we know who asks us who we think our baby looks like.  typical question that i think most new parents get but it terrifies me.  what am i suppose to say?  that they look like josh or maybe jason and some woman out there whom i will never know?  it creeps me out.  ugh.

on a brighter note, i did like one of the donors quite a lot.  she has dark hair, dark eyes and i felt a strange connection with her as i read over her bio.  there was another gal that i liked as well but she misspelled like three different words and for some reason that really bothered me.  i guess i sort of feel like if she can't put more effort into her bio than that how seriously will she take the treatment?  maybe that is absurd but it really stood out to me. 

we should be getting results back from jason very soon and then i think we can truly decide how to proceed.  after all we have been through i can't help but worry about how that is going to go.  i would have never dreamt that they would not have been able to use cass.  we will know soon enough.  wow, i can't believe i started off by stating i have nothing new to report.  i have been rambling for several paragraphs now.  i will update when i have news from jason and an idea what's next.  until then...

organized chaos

well, i survived my first week at my new gig.  i am not going to lie, it is complete chaos right now but i absolutely love it.  in my previous case management experience i never had the chance to work with people with down syndrome so i was naturally a little nervous about the adjustment.  it sounds crazy (as do most of my thoughts), but these kids have changed my life in the span of one week.  they are the most positively amazing people on the planet.  their outlook on life is incredibly endearing.  i am even more amped up about this program now that i have started.  we are still working out a lot of the kinks but it is coming together quite nice.  we are one of only nine (or something close to that) programs like this in the u.s. and i feel so incredibly honored to be a part of it.  i felt strongly that this change would do me some good and i could not have been more right...which as we all know is usually the case:)  i have felt more like myself in the past 10 days than i have in the past 10 months.  don't get me wrong, i loved my job at main street but it was time for a change.

speaking of main street...we will begin interviews next week so hopefully i will have a replacement soon.  i am happy to help them out in the interim but i am seriously meeting myself coming and going!  the board is having a going-away party for me this thursday which i am very excited about.  it will be  nice to kick back and relax with the people i have worked with over the past four years as well as a few of my bffs who have continually supported me.  because several of my previous board members work at ucm i have the good fortune of continuing to work with them in the future.

so, as nervous as i was about putting the kibosh on the the baby makin' process, it was absolutely the best decision we could have made.  i have some time to get settled into my new job and then we can get back on track after the first of the year.  my new gig is not allowing me to think about much else which is just what i needed.

footloose and cancer free

i know i am way behind in my posting but i have honestly been meeting myself coming and going these past few weeks.  i looked for my phone for ten minutes the other day before i realized i was on it!  i did get word from my doctor that my biopsy results are good!  there are some dysplastic cells which apparently indicates change so they want to keep an eye on that area but the margins were free and clear and no sign of melanoma!  i feel like this in addition to getting my new job just might be the start of good things to come!

as far as baby makin' goes i have actually had a much easier time putting it out of my head than i thought i would.  it is probably due, in part, to the fact that i have been trying to wrap things up at main street while simultaneously trying to get prepared for my new gig.  i am so excited for this new adventure and just know it is going to be a great fit.  don't get me wrong, those lingering thoughts are still there but they are not consuming me the way they have over the past six months.  i actually feel somewhat normal...well normal for me anyway.  i did get on the website to look at the anonymous donors just to see what it was all about.  i feel less nervous about using an anonymous donor now that i see how much information they give us.  I haven't been back on the site since then, we don't need to begin choosing until november so i figure i will just drive myself nuts checking it everyday.

all in all, things are starting to look up.  i truly feel like this job was sent to me.  i think it will be just the self-esteem boost i need.  i think even the most confident person would have questions about their self-worth after the year that we have had.  tomorrow is my first day and i need to prepare so i am going to have to cut this short for now.  i will be sure to keep you informed as i go!

ch-ch-ch-changes

i am happy to report that i have some good news to share although not baby related.  several weeks ago i heard about a job opening for a thrive (transformation, health, responsibility, independence, vocation, education) caseworker position at ucm.  while i was not looking for a new job i felt i had to at the very least apply as psychology and social work are my first passion.  to my surprise, i applied, interviewed and was offered the position late last week.  it was definitely a bittersweet decision as i have loved working for main street the past four years but it felt right in my gut so i decided to go for it.  i will be working with twelve students that have some sort of emotional or intellectual disability that are seeking a post-secondary education.  it is a brand new program on campus so i will have the pleasure (and pain) of helping mold its structure.  not only will i have excellent benefits, but i can go back and get my masters degree for free...and the most important thing to note is that it is an august-may position!  that's right, summers off!  its okay to be jealous.  since josh and i have decided to take a vacation from ivf this will be the perfect thing to distract me.

speaking of taking a break from ivf, josh and i went to rrc today to meet with marge for an anonymous donor consultation. i had never followed up with marge since she called to tell me the news about cass so i decided yesterday i better do so.  she at that time informed me that if we want to proceed with an anonymous donor in the future we will have to have another consultation as it is different than using a known donor.  i wanted to get in before i start the new job in a couple of weeks and lucky for us they had an opening today.  basically everything is the same except we would use an anonymous donor instead of my sister.  it is kind of weird really, she gave us a password to get on their website to look at potential donors.  in addition to a photograph, it tells their physical features, interests, psychosocial information, family history, health history and much more.  so, you pick your donor and then rrc tries to coordinate cycles and so forth.  crazy stuff.

although we have decided to proceed with an anonymous donor we are still going to take a break before beginning another cycle.  every bone in my body is telling me to take a break.  i used to get excited about going to rrc because i viewed each visit as being one step closer to a baby, now when i go i get a stomach ache from the anxiety and today dissolved into tears five seconds into the appointment.  seriously, before marge barely uttered two words.  yes, i think a break is much needed.  we plan to start after the first of the year.  i feel like i need at least a couple of months to prepare and i want to avoid the holiday season so january seems like the best bet.  the holidays are stressful enough and with the anniversary of dusty's death I think it will be an extra difficult year.  so new year, new start it is.

josh and i discussed looking into adoption in the mean time which last week seemed like a good idea but after today's visit i think i need to take things one step at a time.  there is so much stress dealing with ivf, i don't think throwing more irons on the fire at this point is a good idea.  before i was on the fence, but after today's appointment i am positive i need to wait.  plus, if i am being honest, i think a part of me feels like proceeding with adoption is claiming defeat.  if we get a great egg donor who produces a lot of eggs it could result in multiple pregnancies as we could freeze additional embryos for future use.  plus, i am still keeping my fingers crossed for those twins:)

we had another little health scare last week but i don't look for it to result in anything negative.  i swear, if i didn't know what i am saying is true i might honestly question its validity.  most of you know that almost three years ago i was diagnosed with malignant melanoma.  i was very fortunate that it was detected early and they were able to remove it with not radiation or chemotherapy.  i was able to walk away with only one heck of a battle wound on my left shoulder and a love-hate relationship with the sun.  since then, i have been very religious about going back in every six months for my recommended check-ups and bathing in sunscreen on a daily basis.  i went in last week for my routine exam and for the first time since my surgery they found a mole that looked suspicious.  did i really just say suspicious mole?  they felt it had changed since my previous visit and they would rather be safe than sorry.  they removed it for biopsy and i should have my results back this week.  i am sure they are just playing it safe and everything will be fine but man am i anxious for those results!

so, other than that, nothing is new really.  i would be lying if i said i haven't been in quite a funk lately but i think this new job is going to be a fresh start.  its like i am in a constant state of sadness with little bursts of joy throughout.  you know those bumper-stickers that say "zero to bitch in 60 seconds," that is pretty much my constant state of mind.  i will be skipping along, going about my day, and bam, even the smallest thing will send me into orbit.  hopefully this new challenge will increase my self-esteem and give me something to focus on other than babies!  while in the waiting room at rrc today i noticed a flyer for a support group that meets regularly and thought about checking it out.  i consider myself very lucky to have the friends and family i do but it would be nice to talk to a group that know exactly what i am experiencing.  i have noticed myself becoming frustrated with people complaining about their trials and tribulations and that is not who i am although it may be what i am feeling currently.  in my mind i know that we all have things going on in our lives that can seem overwhelming at times and my issues are no worse than the next persons.  this is life, it is not easy.  as my good friend kristy would say...put your big girl panties on and deal with it.

get me off this roller coaster!

this is the third time i have attempted this post.  for some reason every time i sit down to get the words out of my head the thoughts become frozen.  of course if i had good news to share they would probably flow much easier. i think part of the problem is before i was just blogging about josh and i on our journey to parenthood.  now, because of the path life has taken, cassidy, jason and their families are part of this roller coaster ride as well.  while they have both given their blessing for me to blog about this entire experience i feel like parts of this story is theirs to share.  i guess that is probably what i have been getting stuck on in my previous attempts to get this information out.  so, minus all the details, we are not able to use cassidy as an egg donor.  i am diagnosed with severe ovarian dysfunction and she with mild to moderate.  i could go into all of the medical terminology and what it means but really don't see where it's necessary.

as for where we go now, who knows?  josh and i have decided to take a vacation from this amusement park.  the only conversation we wish to have about eggs at this point is who is going to make breakfast.  as for how long this break is, could be a week, could be a month, we are not going to try to make that determination.  i would be lying if i said we aren't both feeling a bit defeated at this point.  don't get me wrong, we will both bounce back, but i think this blow might keep us down a little longer.  i understand the universe is trying to tell us something and i still know we will have a baby someday but i think we are both just feeling a bit beat up right now.  i think we both need some time to get our heads in shape.

i think that is all i have right now.  i want to close by stating how incredibly fortunate i am to have cass.  not only for so selflessly attempting to go through this whole process to help josh and i out but for being my rock while doing it.  my gratitude could not be put into words.  she is one of the most strong (and quite stubborn) individuals i have ever known and i am very lucky to be able to draw from her strength.  she is an incredible mom, sister, wife, nurse, and friend.  if i am able to be half the mother she is someday i will have some very lucky children.  also, it is pretty nice to have a brother-in-law who will lay in the pool and drink beer with you all day in a time of need:)

sister sister

it was my hope to be able to leave our consultation with some more definitive answers but it seems nothing on this journey is definitive until there is a crying baby in our arms.  it was a very long day to say the least.  cass, j.d., josh and myself were there for almost five hours.  it is truly one of the most mentally exhausting experiences i can imagine.

they split us up by couples in the beginning to do our psychiatric consultations which must have gone well because the psychiatrist said she would bring us together for a group discussion afterwards if there were any issues that needed to be addressed and she did not do so.  i can't believe we all passed the crazy test, that in itself is a miracle.  while cass and jd were with the psychiatrist we met with marge, our new ivf coordinator, and vice versa.  i had some speculation about marge, as i stated before, but she turned out to be alright.  she is definitely very different than brandi, much more intense, but she obviously knows what she is doing and that is the important thing. of course every time she left the room josh would say "tell them large marge sent ya."  nothing like continuous quotes from pee wee herman to lighten the mood. the psychiatrist and marge both mentioned several times that it is not uncommon for sisters to have the same issues.  while it seems logical that someone who has had no difficulty getting pregnant would be the ideal candidate it is, of course, much more complex than that.  there is no question that cass can create a good quality egg, the question is how many can she create.  if you remember, this was one of the major concerns with my cycle.  i was on the maximum dose of hormones and was only able to create seven eggs, with only four of them being good enough quality to attempt fertilization.  it only took cass one good egg to conceive while the goal here is to create multiple eggs, on average they like to get at least twelve.  they did a full exam and transvaginal ultrasound on cass and she was kind enough to let me in the room with her.  i think we could both sense right away that there was some concern from dr. brabec.  after her exam marge and dr. brabec both met with all four of us together.  they said there is some concern about the way things looked but they won't know how to proceed until they get more blood work.  cass and jd were both tested for infectious diseases and they also drew blood from cass to test her amh.  during our first cycle they tested my amh, which was lower than what they like.  i was told that this was an indication that i would likely not create many eggs which proved true.  they also want to test her fsh but they have to do so on day two, three, or four of her cycle.  she is due to start anytime so it will likely be the beginning of next week.  they will also do another transvagianl ultrasound at that time and then decide how to proceed.

best case scenario is her amh and fsh come back good and we proceed as planned.  the last thing i asked dr. brabec was if we should be super concerned and she said she would not say super concerned but she does have a reasonable amount of concern after the ultrasound. if the tests do not come back as we wish, we will likely follow the advice of dr. brabec, whatever that may be.  if it looks as if cass has similar issues as i do, my guess is they would suggest i use an anonymous egg donor or proceed with adoption, both of which still lead to a baby.  we will just have to cross that bridge when it gets here.  we are hoping for the best but being realistic at the same time.

as for jason, he has to do a phone consultation with the psychiatrist and get some lab work along with a semen analysis done in portland and have the results sent over to rrc.  we will have a better idea of how to proceed with that piece when that is completed.

as crazy as it sounds, we did have an enjoyable time yesterday.  having cass there added a new comfort level and josh and j.d. are nice comic relief.  no matter which way this new road takes us josh and i are eternally grateful that cass and j.d. took the time out of their day to help us out.  i am choosing to believe that cassidy's tests are going to come back fine and we will proceed on our path to parenthood.  i will update next week when i have more news.

boob job

i am mildly irritated by an article i read in self magazine regarding infertility.  not so much at self as i believe they are trying to convey the same thing as i, but at the couple that is discussing their infertility.  the article focuses on the anonymity of couples who experience some sort of infertility and make the decision to use ivf or other treatment options to help achieve pregnancy.  the couple that is sharing their story chose to only be identified by their middle names because their friends, coworkers, nor even their parents know they are using infertility treatments in hopes of conceiving.  when they get the dreaded "when are you going to start  a family" question they respond by stating, even to family members, that they are not going to have any children.  don't get me wrong, there are many responses i would like to give to people who ask me when josh and i  are going to start a family, but i choose to take the high road and politely let them know that josh and i started a family on june 3, 2007 when we married. to me that is a question that should be as forbidden as "are you pregnant."

i am not entirely sure what my irritation is with this couple yet so forgive me if i ramble a bit, of course anyone who actually reads this is used to that.  i try not to be judgmental and understand that just because they handle their infertility different does not make them wrong but if i am being honest i think this is part of the reason infertility is not widely recognized as a problem.  i am not sure if i feel as comfortable as some do calling it a disease but it is certainly no walk in the park.  i can say that viewing it as a "cosmetic procedure" as the insurance industry does is complete b.s.  seriously?  if i finally decided to get those hooters i have been talking about all these years it should be considered cosmetic and no one should be expected to pay for it, but a married couple trying to conceive is "cosmetic?"  i know the line has to be drawn somewhere but that seems absurd to me.  i should also note that should so-called cosmetic procedures someday be covered under insurance plans i will have a new baby and a new set of hooters:)

i don't know the intimate details of this couple's life so it is easy for me to question why they would keep it a secret.  maybe they don't have the fabulous support system that josh and i have and don't feel comfortable enough in their own surroundings to share such sacred details.  obviously right off the bat we know that josh and i are very different as we have chosen to put every sordid detail out on the world wide web for anyone to ridicule.  i guess my main concern with their approach is that to me the secretive nature implies that there is something wrong with what they are doing.  while i would not have chosen this path for josh or i, i am proud to tell anyone who will listen that these are the great lengths that we will go to to have a child.  i am proud to say i have such an incredible sister and brother-in-law who are so willing to help us along our journey.  i also believe that while there will undoubtedly be times in our child's life that they have questions or concerns they will know and understand completely why we chose this path.

i do believe that there needs to be more awareness of the amount of people who suffer from infertility and i think the more people that are scared to share the less we will accomplish.  at the end of the article the couple achieves their lifelong dream of pregnancy and after 14 weeks with no problems they tell their parents but opt to leave out the long road it took to get there.  to each their own, i am happy to see another couple using ivf is having a baby, it reminds me that it is possible.  the last question the soon-to-be mother is asked is if she would consider joining the fight for the cause to which she responds that she recognizes the need for more research and understanding but is afraid to be vocal for fear that it might get her into trouble at her health-policy job.  fear is a real bitch,  ya know?  here is someone who is already in a perfect position to help give infertility a voice but is too afraid.  hey, i know jobs are important, especially in this economy and i am sure she has racked up a healthy bill from all of those "cosmetic" procedures she has been having. alright, i will leave it at that.  but, believe me i could go on.

on a lighter note, actually a heavier note, our egg donor consultation is in two days!  i can't believe it is finally here.  cassidy, j.d., josh and i all sat down and had a very candid conversation this weekend about every question/concern we have going into this.  it was nice for all of us to get it off our chest and address the elephant in the room.  we will likely be there 4-5 hours so i am not sure if i will report back thursday evening or not.  however, it usually feels good to get all the details out while they are still fresh so my guess is i will have some news sooner rather than later.  until then...

pregnant women are smug.

i sincerely hope this video does not offend any of my friends/family that are either pregnant or have kids.  obviously, this entire blog is related to my journey to pregnancy and i hope to be very "smug" one day soon.  i just find it incredibly funny.  i mean like super duper hilarious.  so enjoy, or don't...either way.  oh, and for the record, as my good friend bethenny frankel would say...i don't care what sex my baby is, as long as it has ten fingers, ten toes, and a vagina.  okay, i might have crossed a line with that one:)  

are we there yet?

after almost four weeks we finally have an appointment scheduled for july 22nd.  we have been very pleased with rrc from the beginning but getting this appointment scheduled has been a complete nightmare!  i was so pleased with our previous ivf coordinator brandi and i just pray that our new one, marge, is as warm and sympathetic as her.  so far it is not looking too good.  my interactions with her thus far have been pale in comparison but i am choosing to give her the benefit of the doubt until we meet  for our consultation.  i am not worried at all about her giving us any trouble since i am bringing my muscle (cass) with me:)

as far as how the appointment will go i am not entirely sure.  they require that cass and jd both go along with us which only makes sense.  for our first consultation we were there for 4 1/2 hours and they told us to plan on being there awhile for this one as well.  on top of everyone we had to meet with last time, financial coordinator, ivf coordinator, scientific director, ivf doctor, we also have to undergo a psychiatric consultation.  while i think this is great protocol i find it extremely amusing.  i think anyone who knows cass and i would understand why.

when cass and i went to pick up her medical records to take over to rrc we were of course reading the doctors notes, who could resist?  on one of her charts it said "patient non-compliant."  when cass was pregnant with zoe she was put on bed rest towards the end of the pregnancy and she did what anyone put in that situation would do...she went to wal mart.  hey, she had a one year old and needed diapers, and knowing cass probably some cheetos or something of that sort as well. about halfway through wally world she felt dizzy and had to call mom to meet her at wal mart to take her back to the doctor.  needless to say, the doctor wasn't happy.  i tell this story not because i am worried at all about cass being compliant with all of the protocol throughout this process, i know she wants a niece or nephew as bad as i want a son or daughter, but i find it extremely humorous this team of doctors will be trying to evaluate if she is an appropriate donor and this story is bound to come up.  i can just picture one of the doctors asking why she was non-compliant and cass, instead of just saying she should have went home, trying to explain to them how she needed diapers:)  i truly think we could make a reality t.v. show out of this whole process.

i have said all along that i would feel a sense of relief once i had the appointment scheduled and i, as usual, was right.  i guess it is my ocd, but just seeing it on the calender makes me feel so much more relaxed.  i am starting to feel good about going through this again, i can even feel a little excitement as crazy as that sounds.  there have been a few very rough times over the past month in particular where i have wondered if i would ever come out of this funk but i think i am slowly overcoming it.  i have still been going to acupuncture which seems to help as well.  i am not sure if it is the placebo effect or if it truly works but either way i am positive it makes me feel more sane.

i have done some research on when the best time to tell a child that an egg donor was used and of course everyone says something different ranging from tell them early on to not telling them at all.  one viewpoint in particular i found interesting was that of a l.c.s.w.  she believes that you should tell the child at a very early age.  she feels it is inappropriate to tell a child after they have already begun forming their own identity.  if a child learns this information at say age fourteen they have already formed an image in their mind of who they think they are and that information in a way could challenge that.  this makes a lot of sense to me.  if they grow up knowing then i believe there will be less shock value so to speak.  plus, keeping it a secret implies that there is something wrong with the path we have chosen which i do not believe to be true.

as for where jason falls into all of this we are not sure yet.  we are hoping to get more information on that at our consultation.  it will certainly be a bit of a juggling act with him being in portland but i am confident we can make it work.  this is just one more reason i think they should move closer to home...sorry jas and jodi, i will never let it go:)  more than anything i am just overwhelmed that we have such awesome siblings to help us out with this.  it just feels right.  100%.  it is easy to say it is no big deal but the fact is it is a huge deal.  a life-altering deal.  cass is already juggling being a parent to two wonderfully crazy kids while simultaneously going to nursing school and working full time.  jas and jodi are balancing work with raising a beautiful new baby girl  a million miles away.  to say this will be easy or convenient for either of them would be untrue.

anywho. i am looking forward to jumping back into this process and of course keeping everyone updated along the way.  it is hard to believe we could be starting another cycle so soon.  i am officially ready to get this show on the road.  wow, i wasn't sure if i would ever get there!  thanks again for all of the support over the past few months.  this has easily been one of the most difficult times of our lives and i can't imagine how we would get through it without our wonderful friends and family.  it can't be fun listening to all of the "why me's" and "what ifs" but having those shoulders to lean on is what has saved me.  until we meet again...

swimming lessons

i am now able to post some additional information we learned from dr. brabec at our follow-up appointment.  not only do they suggest that we use an egg donor, but because of the quality of josh's sperm they would like us to use a sperm donor as well to attempt to fertilize some of the eggs retrieved.  this is just one more thing that increases our chances of getting some viable embryos.  this basically means were they to retrieve ten eggs they would attempt to fertilize five of them with josh's sperm and five of them with the sperm donors sperm.  lucky for us, josh and i are both blessed with baby-makin' siblings and our sperm donor has a name...jason!  we know jason too is capable of creating a beautiful, healthy baby.  i didn't want to post this information until we had the chance to speak with him and jodi about it.  i know this additional information raises a lot of new questions and I will do my best to explain.

after egg retrieval they will attempt to fertilize all of the eggs with the same procedure as before except this time they will use part of  josh's sperm and part of  jason's.  they will keep all of the embryos separate so at the time of transfer we will know which ones are transferred.  we won't have to wonder the rest of our lives which ones were used.  so, basically, everything is the same as our last go around except we will use cassidy's eggs, and some sperm from josh and some from jason.  clear as mud?

we will know more after our consultation which will be sometime in august.  i am still waiting to hear back from them.  cass and i had to take over all of her medical records from the past five years before they would schedule the appointment which we did last thursday.  they should email me today or tomorrow with possible appointment times.  i do know from the research that i have done so far that they have to line up both of our cycles and i am not clear what that entails.  i will have to do some injections but cass will be doing all of the hard work this time.  she has agreed to do anything i ask her to in regards to getting healthy except juicing:)  that is where she draws the line:)  she created two beautiful babies already on a diet of funyuns, mountain dew and menthol cigarettes so i am not too worried;)  kind of makes me wonder why i did so much to get healthy...

while i am anxious to get started, i am glad we have some downtime before we do.  if we thought this was overwhelming before, it is ten fold now.  i am going to try to shed some weight and get my body into shape before the next cycle.  i lasted one day on my juice detox but i think it still helped get some of the residual toxins from all of the meds i was on out of my body.  my mom and bill gave me their treadmill so i am hoping by placing it next to our bed where i have to look at it forces me to use it...we will see how that goes.  so far my ulcer or acid reflux or whatever it was has not reared its ugly head again and hopefully it stays that way.

i will update as soon as i hear news of our appointment....i was really hoping they would have called already.  it sounds crazy but i will feel so much better when the appointment is on my calender and i can begin the countdown.  hopefully i will have something to report soon!

in the meantime, the in-between time

josh and i are back from our trip to hermann and man did we need that!  it was nice to have jason and emily's company and just relax for awhile.  although we had originally planned on just the two of us going it was definitely a blessing we decided to take them along.  it forced us to have a good time and not sit there and talk about babies all weekend.  also, emily is pretty much instant entertainment bottled up into about 99 pounds.  i am thinking about making it a rule to take her along wherever we go:)

because we took kemper along with us we drove separately which allowed us some time to talk on our 2 1/2 hour drive home.  i think i had already came to the conclusion that using an egg donor makes the most sense but i wasn't sure what josh was thinking and wanted him to give me his thoughts first.  to my surprise, he too felt like using an egg donor was the appropriate path to choose.  the obvious decision for us is to use my sister's eggs as they would have my genes.  plus, let's face it, she makes some pretty good looking kids.  lucky for us she is on board.  while we can't make any definite decision until after our consultation it is nice to know she is open to looking into it.

i know a lot of you are thinking, possibly cringing, at how this all sounds and i understand.  i assure you, we have not taken this decision lightly.  we both know there is more involved than just taking some of cassidy's eggs.  cass and i have had several very candid conversations about all of the thoughts and emotions that go into something like this.  josh and i are also planning to sit down with her and jd both to make sure we cover all bases before making the ultimate decision.  as cassidy stated, if i needed a kidney she would give me a kidney, this isn't much different than that.  ok, it kind of is, but you know what i mean.  it would be very different if i were asking her to carry a child for nine months and then hand it over to me.  she will be giving me cells, sure they will contain her dna but i will carry and birth the child.  we have discussed everything from the day the child is born to whether or not we should tell the child at some point.  she has assured me that if she has any hesitation for whatever reason she will let me know.  it would not be worth all the babies in the world if it jeopardized our relationship.

we are waiting to hear back from dr. brabec regarding a consultation date and i will let you know as soon as i do.  they told us at our follow-up that it could be 4-6 weeks.  honestly, it is kind of nice to have some down time from all of the craziness. i am continuing to eat healthy, and trying to get my body as ready as possible to carry a baby.  i am going to do a 3-day juice detox over the weekend to get rid of all the toxins in my body so if you get some cranky posts from me you will know why:) however this works out i am so grateful to have a sister that is willing to help us in such a selfless way.  i have, in the mean time, ordered every book imaginable on using an egg donor and will be posting all of my new knowledge along the way!

scrambled eggs

i know i haven't posted in awhile but i haven't had much to report until now.  josh and i had our follow up with dr. brabec yesterday which just so happened to be our 3rd anniversary.  i can't believe we have been married three years already.  it goes by so fast.  our appointment, unfortunately, was less than spectacular.  much less than spectacular actually.  i think we both thought we were going to come out of there knowing exactly how and when to proceed.  that could not be farther from the truth.  dr. brabec told us the reason she feels the pregnancy didn't take is because of the quality of the embryos which in her opinion is a result of the quality of my eggs.  when we began this process it was because of  josh's blockage but we have found throughout this procedure that i have my own fertility issues which unfortunately are pretty severe.  apparently, i have the eggs of a 40 year old.  great.  after all of my treatment i feel i have the body of one also.  unfortunately, there is no way for them to gage how my body will react until going through treatment.  because my uterus and fallopian tubes are anatomically correct and they found no polyps or anything of that nature they believe by body is able to handle a pregnancy but unfortunately has a hard time creating one.  

so, basically we have three options.  the first is to do the same treatment as last time except she would do an estrogen priming treatment which is done by oral medication prior to beginning a new ivf cycle.  because i was already on the maximum dose of hormones my protocol wouldn't otherwise change.  whether or not the estrogen priming treatment would make a difference is a toss up.  she said there is no way to tell if it would help or not.  considering all factors, she believes we have about a 30% chance if this is the route we take.  not great odds.

the second option would be to use a sperm donor which doesn't really make sense because the quality of my eggs are largely the issue.  she just wanted to make sure we knew all of our options.

our final option would be to use an egg donor.  this is where they would put josh's sperm with another woman's eggs and implant it in my uterus.  the egg donor could be anonymous or we could use someone we know.  before i get into this, i want to state that four months ago using a sperm or egg donor was absolutely 100% not an option for josh or i either one, i think i even stated such in a previous post.  however, until you have stood where we are standing i don't believe anyone can fully understand the thought process so please try to keep an open mind.  we don't ask that you understand or agree with it, just that you kindly respect our exploring all options.

i told dr. brabec that as josh and i walked into her office we were 99% sure that this would be our last attempt and knowing that information asked what her recommendation would be.  she believes that our best odds of pregnancy  would be to use an egg donor.  we would go from a 30% chance to a 65% chance.  quite a jump.  while it is more expensive, around $27,000, it is still cheaper than adoption and i could carry the baby, give birth, breast feed, and so on.  also, we would have the option to choose a possible relative with our genes.  

there is no possible way to say at this point what we are going to do from here.  there is so much more to think about this time around.  and i thought the second time would be easier.  not only do we have to figure out which path to take but we are back to trying to figure out how to pay for it.  i am not sure we are even able to get a loan for that amount.  again, i know it sounds like a ridiculous amount of money but twenty years from now when our child is graduating from high school i guarantee it will be worth twice the price.

josh and i are heading to hermann for the weekend so hopefully we can begin to sort all of this out.  dr. brabec told us that this is not a "scientific decision" but a "heart and soul" decision and i think she nailed it.  josh and i both need to do some soul-searching within ourselves before we can approach the decision together.  fortunately we are great communicators and i have no doubt we will come to the decision that is best for us.  i hope you all are ready for round two....

good grief

i don't have a lot to report since the last time i checked in but i always feel better after i post so i thought it might do some good to get some of these thoughts out of my head.  i went to acupuncture yesterday for the first time since the results which was nice, but didn't go as well as i had hoped.  i had terrible dreams the night before about everything that has been going on and even though i tried to convince myself the entire drive up that i was going to be okay,  i completely dissolved into tears the second i saw shamayne.  i felt really silly although i know she completely understood.  she did her best to reassure me that i am not "broken" and that we shouldn't lose hope.  i have been so focused on staying on the right track so my body is in good shape when we try again but she thinks that might be causing more stress for my mind.  her advice was to take the next couple of weeks and try my hardest not to think about fertility or babies or anything related.  i have been so consumed with nothing but that my mind needs a rest.  it actually felt very comforting to hear her say that, almost like it gave me permission to breath.  i know it would be impossible to keep all thoughts out but for at least a week i am going to stop reading, googling, and obsessing about fertility, or infertility i guess i should say.  we did get a good laugh when she examined my tongue and stated "i see you have gone back to eating dairy."  busted.  i told her i might have allowed my self to indulge in a few things i have been without for awhile now.  she thought it was good and recommended i try not to be so strict over the next few weeks.  sounds great to me.

josh and i haven't confirmed what our next step will be at this time, i think we are both waiting to speak with the doctors next week to see what they say.  i feel like i am ready to go ahead with another cycle sooner rather than later but know it isn't wise if josh and i aren't both on the same page.  we know we will do it again, deciding when is the best time is the question that needs to be answered.  i think we are both going through the natural stages of grief.  i believe the way we have both reacted, while different, are both very normal reactions.

so, on we go.  continuing on this path of uncertainty and confusion.  i am grateful every day for the life that i have.  it sounds strange to say but i find having gone through this somewhat comforting.  even if i go to bed with tears in my eyes, i go to bed with the man i know i am meant to be with.  the man that loves, supports, and embraces me no matter what it is we are facing.  all while simultaneously driving me nuts of course:)  i know that these challenges only make josh and i stronger as a couple as well as individually.  i can't imagine going through this with anyone else by my side, i don't think it would be possible.

riding the waves...

i thought i better post to at least let people know i haven't driven my car into a tree or anything crazy like that:)  josh and i are doing okay.  it sort of comes in waves.  one minute life feels somewhat normal and the next we are plagued with the reality of trying to figure out where to go from here while simultaneously dealing with the feelings of loss.  the bright side is neither of us are claiming defeat at this point.  we have chosen to keep the white flag tucked away for the time being at least.  i don't think either of us question whether or not to try again.  we have to.  if after another cycle we are left facing these same circumstances then at that point we will have to have a very serious conversation about how to proceed. 

i spoke briefly with brandi, our ivf coordinator, on friday and we have scheduled a follow-up appointment for june 3rd which just so happens to be our 3rd anniversary.  we will at that time discuss what could have gone wrong, where to go from here and so forth.  i asked when we would be able to start again should we choose to do so and she said we could begin with my next cycle which will be a month from now.  that seemed a little soon at first but then josh reminded me that the first month of treatment is primarily oral meds.  we honestly haven't made a definite decision at this point.  i don't think we can until we meet with them on the 3rd and see what they say.

i don't think our protocol should change much but that is pure speculation on my part.  they were able to retrieve eggs and create embryos which is not possible for some couples.  in that regard we were very fortunate.  i think the second time will be more and less stressful than the first.  it will be nice to know what to expect with the various procedures, shots, etc. but it will be very nerve-racking to know this will likely be our last shot at having a biological child.  it will take us a long time to pay back the debt we have already accumulated with this cycle.  with that being said, we have no regrets.  josh or i neither one feel we made a mistake in trying and although this feeling right now is incredibly painful we both still feel positive this process will work for us.

we have decided to take a little mini-vacation to hermann for our anniversary to get away from everything and try to figure out where to go from here.  we found a cute little cottage that allows large dogs so we will be able to take kemper along.  it says they have to be "well-behaved" but i will pretend i didn't see that.  josh says i am going to have to build my tolerance up if we are going to be spending a weekend in wine country:)  i am very much looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend away.  one year ago today we were on a plane to cabo san lucas, i think i could use that vacation ten times more this year.

i allowed myself two days to eat whatever i wanted and am now getting back on track.  i am still juicing everyday and eating healthy.  i haven't had any caffeine since the diet coke on the day we found out the results.  i have, of course, indulged in a few glasses of vino but nothing in excess.  i would like to shed a few pounds before we begin our next cycle or i am going to look preggers by the time it wraps up.  they say you put on approximately ten pounds with every cycle and they aren't kidding!  i was eating healthier than i ever have and still put on ten pounds.  of course, i wasn't allowed to exercise but still!  i also plan to continue with acupuncture as i believe 100% it helped if only mentally.

josh and i both are incredibly grateful for everyone who has reached out to us in the past few days.  i know we haven't been in touch with everyone who has done so but please know how thankful we are.  i know that everyone is incredibly busy with their own lives so the fact that so many of you have taken the time to call or drop by is astonishing.  we feel incredibly lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people.

uncomfortably numb

negative.  i have been thinking for an hour now about the best way to relay the news but the fact is there is absolutely no way to sugar coat it.  negative.  it is still very difficult to wrap our brains around.  negative.  it doesn't even sound right when i say it aloud to myself.  its like such a word should not even exist.

i know this is going to sound very crazy but i knew before the phone even rang.  i was very positive the first several days but the last two i have felt very aware that it was not going to be good news.  i know that everyone has these feelings that creep in during this process but i believe this was different.  i just knew.  something changed in the midst of the longest eight days of my life and i could feel it in my bones that it wasn't going to go our way.  don't get me wrong, i tried to convince myself that what i was feeling wasn't real but somewhere deep down i knew it was.

there would be no way for josh or i either one to express what we feel right now.  i don't think it could be put into words.  it is such a strange feeling to know they were inside of me, even if they only survived one second they were a part of me and now they are gone.  where did they go?  why didn't they make it?  it is so easy to say "it wasn't meant to be right now" or "this just isn't your time" or "god has different plans for you" and i have used some of those phrases myself but it is pretty hard to convince myself that any of them make sense right now.  if there is someone calling the shots and they have decided that this isn't our time than i would like to know why.  we deserved this.  we really, really deserved this.  we worked hard and we did everything they told us to and it should have worked for us.  there are so many babies born each day to parents who will never love them they way josh or i could.

it is hard to know what to do from here.  i know we need to take time to grieve the loss before we make any decisions at all.  over $20,000 down the drain.  absolutely nothing to show for it except ten extra pounds from the hormone injections and a bruised behind from the intramuscular shots.  i was at a wedding shower for a dear friend this past friday and during a speech given by the bride's aunt the statement "if you wait until you can afford a child you will never have one" was made.  this has been on my mind ever since and especially so today.  this whole experience has made me realize what is really important in life and it is not things.  it is family and friends, not the latest shoes, purse or car.  these are not the things we remember when we are 80 years old.  they mean nothing.  but where do we draw the line?  when we are $40,000...$60,000...$80,000 in debt?  how do you put a price on such a gift?  i know neither of us are in the right frame of mind to make that decision right now.  i am definitely not giving up on the powerball.  if anyone we know should win and would like to throw $20,000 at us that would be fantastic.  actually, make that $25,000, i could really use a vacation right now.

i tried to convince myself earlier that at least for now i could relish in some of the things that i have been forbidden from like baths, diet coke, dairy, wine, and so on but it hasn't done much good.  emily brought me a diet coke which i though would be the highlight of my day but it didn't even taste good.  i did take a nice bath but think i will stay away from the vino, i don't think mixing alcohol with this state of mind would be the wisest choice.

so, that is that.  now, we have to figure out where to go from here.  back to square one minus a lot of time and money.  i honestly barely remember the phone call from brandi but i am pretty sure they told us at one point that if it came back negative we would have a follow-up consultation in a couple of weeks.  until then we are going to try to pull ourselves together.  we appreciate all of the people who reached out to us today, we promise to get in touch with all of you when it feels right.

signs, signs, anywhere a sign?

i think this has seriously been the longest 6 days of my entire life.  it is almost like time has literally stood still.  i tricked myself into believing that because jason, jodi and rayna are here it would just fly by.  while having them here has been the best distraction imaginable it still feels like i will never make it to our blood test on thursday.  bed rest was okay.  i think i thought it would be more enjoyable but honestly after about 2 hours i was ready to get up and move around.  thank goodness for all of the wonderful friends and family that came to visit or gave me a call.  i seriously think i laughed harder in that two days then i have in a long time.  i will say having josh at my beck and call for the entire two days was nothing short of awesome:)

i believe i am handling this to the best of my ability.  i haven't been incredibly stressed out and am just trying to take it one day at a time.  this has just been such a roller coaster ride, the ups and downs can definitely make you nauseous at times.  i am remaining positive and still believe it is going to work but i have to admit every now and then the worst creeps into my mind.  i can't imagine anyone going through this that could say differently.  i keep imaging the phone call "hello jessica, this is brandi calling with great news...." but for about every 10 times i imagine that phone call i imagine one that will leave josh and i both completely devastated.  at first i tried to push those thoughts out but i decided it was consuming too much energy so i have decided it is much easier to succumb to it and then proceed along with the positive thoughts.

the doctor was clear that i would not feel any pregnancy symptoms and intellectually i know that i won't but emotionally i wish every night i would wake up with morning sickness.  i almost took a home pregnancy test today which the doctor and every book i have read strongly discourages considering i would be less than a week pregnant.  i was able to fight off the urge knowing that even if i am pregnant it would likely come back negative and i would inevitably be disappointed.  i just wish i had some sort of sign that it worked.  something, anything at all.  and maybe they are there but i am just overlooking them.  it is so difficult right now because we question everything.

anywho, we are more than half-way through now.  i know that josh and i will survive whatever the news, we are just so anxious to hear what it is.  i know everyone will be anxious to hear what we find out and i will update as soon as i can.  obviously, in a more traditional situation we would not make the announcement until further than 8 days along in the pregnancy, but we have allowed everyone in so far and feel it wouldn't be right to keep you waiting!

oh baby

sheesh.  what a day.  we got up this morning bright and early to head to our transfer.  it was definitely a jumbled up mix of emotions...excited, scared, emotional...while fixing my hair i was actually crying and smiling at the same time.  everything we have been doing has led up to this day, this was the one that truly counts.  i was able to take my valium at 9:00 so at that point all of my emotions pretty much balanced out.  they took us back to the transfer room about 10:00 and informed us that they were going to transfer two.  i am not sure but i think i let out a loud moan.  only one of them is an actual blastocyst but they thought if they went ahead and inserted the other it might catch up and continue to grow inside of me.  they rated both of them as fair.  they wanted to be upfront about the fact that they are not excellent quality embryos.  dr. brabec estimated our odds of success at about 35-40%.  i am choosing to believe those are good odds.

the whole procedure took less than ten minutes which just seems crazy to me.  for as technical and time consuming this whole process has been it is kind of ironic that the big day takes up the least amount of time.  they inserted the catheter, showed us our embryos on a screen and then proceeded to insert them.  i then asked the doctor my five thousand questions for the day, they made me lay there for 15 minutes and we were on our way.  crazy.

from rrc we headed to my acupuncture appointment which was fabulous as always.  she said my pulse felt really great and my body seemed relaxed which will certainly help.  she also told me she would recommend i stay off dairy for at least two weeks.  apparently dairy products cause your body to be "damp" which causes mucus build-up in the body that can make it difficult for the little nuggets to implant.  at first i thought this would be no big deal until josh reminded me on the way home that sour cream and butter are dairy products.  what can i say, i am not functioning on all cylinders these days:)  honestly, i would hop on one leg and sing show tunes at this point if someone told me it would help.

they allowed us to take pictures of the embryos before transfer which was pretty cool and i have posted them below.  the one on top is the blastocyst.  if you look carefully you can see how it is split into two sections, one is the baby and one is the placenta.  the other one is not that far developed yet.  so fascinating.  they are the size of a spec of dust at this point, it is truly hard to believe.

josh and i both feel very good.  we feel extremely positive.  i find myself constantly rubbing my belly sending those babies all the love and energy i have.  hopefully by now they have found their way to my uterine wall and attached themselves nicely.  i feel a lot better now that they are inside of me instead of some incubator.  while we were in the transfer room and they said they were going to go get them out of the incubator, josh said he hopes we don't have a chicken:)    i am on bed rest today and tomorrow which will be some nice down time.  i go in next thursday for my blood test and will have the results on friday so if you don't hear from me by then i will be sure to update with whatever news we get!

ignorance is bliss

i recant my previous statement that "knowing is half the battle."  stupid g.i. joe.  i think knowing might be the entire battle especially when what you know makes you feel as if you have been hit by a train.  our phone call this morning wasn't the news we wanted to hear.  i am sure that is a shock given my previous cheery statements.  the lab technician believes we will only have one blast to transfer tomorrow.  this obviously decreases the chance for success as they like to have two for transfer.  there is one that could possibly catch up in the next 24 but they believe it is unlikely at this point.  so, i had my pity party (thank you emily for being there during my ugly cry) and now it is time to suck it up and get prepared for tomorrow.  i can't let this get me down as the one blast that we have needs all of my attention for tomorrow morning's transfer.

our appointment is scheduled for 9:45 tomorrow morning.  they will take josh and i back and show us our embryo on the monitor before they insert her.  come on, you don't possibly think i am having a boy???  i have to lay there for 15 minutes and then i am allowed to go.  we will then head over to the wellness connection for acupuncture and then home for two days of bed rest.  josh told me this morning that i could make him a honey do list while i am out of commission, i think that could be quite enjoyable:)  jason, jodi and rayna will be here thursday evening from portland and i am just dying to get my hands on that baby!  i am hoping she will send some positive baby vibes.  i will update tomorrow after transfer if josh lets me use my computer.  he is taking this bed rest thing very seriously...